Saturday, October 16, 2010

In times of trouble, our nation turns its lonely eyes to Vigilante Cheerleader.

Sometimes sports writers get it wrong, and sometimes they get it really wrong. Which is why this blog exists -- to get you the information about sports that sportswriters (and sportstalkers on the radio, and sportssitters on TV) don't get you.

So this week, while the rest of the "sports" "world" was focused on that huge Brett Favre story -- no, not that one, but this one:




Where was I? I'm sorry. I lost my train of thought. There is nothing funnier that "Football To The Groin." Right, Homer?




From which you can see that the big story the "sports" "media" was following this week was the Vikings have decided to plagiarize The Simpsons. Which is dumb of the "media," because plagiarism isn't a story; it's common in the sports world. ( As I learned.) It's a little-known fact that J."K" Rowling got her start in sports writing, which may explain why this keeps happening. (J."K." also recently said she may write another Harry Potter book, which I can only hope is called "Harry Potter And The Golden Snitch To The Groin.")

BUT, while "sports" "people" were talking about J.K. Rowling throwing footballs at Brett Favre's groin, I was noticing other stories that not only went more or less under the radar, but also in which the basic point was missed... and I'm talking, of course, about Mackenzie Putnam, Vigilante Cheerleader.

From NPR.org comes a story that also appeared as a blurb in Sports Illustrated about two weeks ago -- a story that deserves far more attention than NPR. I'll give you their take on it with the two lead paragraphs

Jacksonville receiver Kassim Osgood leapt out a second-floor window to escape a gun-wielding man who attacked him and a 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader, according to police.

The armed intruder exchanged gunfire with his ex-girlfriend, Mackenzie Rae Putnal, after putting a gun to her head Monday night, according to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office.

That's under a headline about a Jaguar's receiver being attacked in a cheerleader's home. You have to read five paragraphs later to get to this:

Putnal and Osgood were watching television around 11 p.m. in an upstairs game room when a man walked in with his face covered with a plastic bag and pointed a gun at them. Saying "I can't believe you're with that guy," the man pulled Putnal around the room by her hair and hit her with the gun and his fists before hitting Osgood in the head with the gun, according to the report. The gunman took Putnal's cell phone and tackled her as she tried to flee. When he ordered the couple to sit on the floor, she escaped downstairs in her parents' home and grabbed a gun, police said. They shot at each other and both missed.

So the Cheerleader saved the football player? Forget Save The Cheerleader -- Vigilante Cheerleader doesn't need your help, man.

Even that version, from NPR, seems a little weak compared to the SI blurb, which says that as they were attacked

Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder.

And here you thought dental hygiene majors-- Mackenzie Putnal's major -- were meek and retiring. I bet you'll floss now, won't you, scumbag?

And yet, all the stories focus on whether the receiver is okay. One even provided his stats (meager and unimpressive, like his behavior in this incident) while ignoring the fact that this cheerleader should be held up as a hero to everyone.

Seriously: I'm not in favor of people owning guns, mostly because have you seen people? We, as a general rule, cannot be trusted to carry around lethal weapons. But I'll make an exception for any cheerleader who's essentially Batman (only a Batman with an in-depth knowledge of gingivitis and a great repertoire of dance routines -- a SuperBatman -- if you will.) So as you go about your business today (your business being to giggle everytime you remember Brett Favre's football-to-the-groin), take a moment to thank your lucky stars that we're all a little safer, thanks to Vigilante Cheerleader:




22 comments:

Rogue Mutt said...

Yeah, what a wuss to jump out a window and leave your girlfriend to face some dude. She should have put a bullet in HIM. Though I'd do the same thing of course.

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