Obama Disses The Packers!

Get your sound bites ready, right-wing pundits and Tea Party/Grizzly Mamas dolts: Obama has now taken his efforts to destroy America to new lows, this time by turning kids against everything that's good and decent in America.

And by "good and decent" I mean "the Green Bay Packers," that blue-collar, community owned, small-town, historic, Vince Lombardi-related symbol of a more innocent, more hard-working, less universal-health-care-having America.

In his recent visit to Madison, Obama spoke about having great memories of the city, and urged people to vote Democrat. That was the public part of the speech. But privately, at a stop at LaFollete High School, Obama ripped into the Packers. Says Channel 3000:

President Barack Obama made time for unscheduled campaign-style stops in a day already packed with events in two states.Obama surprised the football, volleyball and girls' tennis teams at LaFollette High School in Madison by visiting their practice fields Tuesday.

Sound innocent? Wait until you read the chilling indoctrination Obama laid on those poor kids. Said student/brainwashed sycophant Ben Mogilevsky:

"We talked about the Packer game yesterday and how they had 18 penalties and how you can't mess up that many times in life."



Sure, the Packers under Coach Mike "Mike" McCarthy have been an undisciplined mess that can't win in big games, fail to stop even mediocre quarterbacks and generally underachieved while trying to execute mystifying game plans that seem to change midway through each quarter. But holding them up as an example of mistakes to avoid? You've gone too far this time, Obama. You've gone too far!

Sarah Palin would never make such a mistake. In fact, when asked to comment on whether she thinks the Packers serve as a warning to youngsters on how not to live a life, Palin responded, quote: "Grizzly Mamas! Government waste! What's a Packer?"

An Eyeglass Conspiracy!

ZenniOptical believes that eyewear is a right, not a style choice. They're the number one online eyeglasses store and take seriously their mission to keep glasses affordable for people; they believe (and I'm with them) that eyewear is a medical or health item, and they offer glasses are prices as low as eight bucks a pair.

Not everyone's okay with that, though. Opticians take offense at people horning in on their racket, and they're coming up with ways to make sure that you can't get affordable glasses.

Here's how they do it: ZenniOptical requires that you measure your "PD," or "pupillary distance." It's a pretty simple measurement that tells Zenni how big to make your glasses so that they're centered and sit right.

But opticians won't provide that simple service for you. There's a site (http://www.optiboard.com/forums/showthread.php/40851-Got-Asked-for-a-PD-Today-(First-Time)?highlight=zenni) where opticians talk about getting asked for the PD and what they'd do. One optician's response?

Charge 35.00 to 49.00 for it and give it to them in an encrypted format so that it is only decipherable to you but looks realistic to them. For instance, their pd is 62 ou . so you record it as a derivative of your unique base number . If you base is 100 then their pd is - 38 or give it as a monocular number. If your base is 60 then their pd is + 1 ou . If you used 120 as your base standard then pd becomes 58 binocularly. Your scope measures PD as a base of 0 .

In other words, charge you money and then provide you no service, by giving you a number that's useless to you. That's almost fraud, let alone a dereliction of duty by health "professionals."

If opticians truly cared about you, they'd sell glasses for less, or provide the numbers you need to let you buy Zenni's glasses. But posts like that one make it clear that they care about money, not eyesight.

Live deliberately, NFL coaches and GMs!

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them.
-- Henry David Thoreau.

NFL coaches and GMs are among those who make up the 'mass of men,' right? I'm pretty sure they are, or most of them are. Packers GM Ted Thompson I'm pretty sure is a cyborg. And Al Davis is a superhero.

But the rest are no better or worse than you and I when it comes to making panic moves to keep the bosses (or fans, or newspaper writers) happy. With Week 3 of the NFL's Second Preseason (see what that's about here) in the bag, it's time to take the speculation and over-reaction into high gear as coaches and GMs and even teammates try desperately to place the blame for losing on anyone but them. Here's three teams that haven't gotten their song out yet.

The Saints are auditioning kickers: Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yarder against the Saints, and the Saints lost 27-24 in overtime against the Falcons. Is it the defense's fault for giving up 27 to the Falcons? The offense's fault for turning the ball over 3 times? No! It's the kicker! Hartley hit 100% of his field goals -- that's every one of them -- in 2008. He hit 81% of them in 2009. So of course it makes sense to blame him, because if they didn't blame him, then people might start looking at Brees and Payton and Gregg Williams and wondering whether they needed a job. And the person they're bringing in? John Carney -- the kicker who lost his job to Hartley.

So, was Payton wrong when he fired Carney before? No time to think about that, we've got more panic buttons to hit!

The 49ers fired their offensive coordinator! Two weeks ago, Steve Young raved about a scoring drive that Alex Smith led, calling it "transformative." But the big word for today in SF is desperation, as Mike Singletary fired his offensive coordinator after watching game film of the Niners' loss to KC. (What, he wasn't watching the actual game?) The new offensive coordinator, Mike Johnson, was described as "a visionary" in a quote I'm absolutely not making up. Singletary said of Johnson:

"I think Mike will do a good job of bringing the staff together. I think Mike is a great communicator. I think Mike is a great teacher. I think he's a visionary. I think he understands what we're trying to accomplish and I think the players will embrace him."

Singletary did not say why this visionary communicator languished on his staff for two years under the presumably-visionary-impaired prior coordinator. As for the Visionary Johnson, he wasted no time in throwing his for-now-boss under the bus, blaming the loss on the players and Singletary:

"We're here to score points and win games. That's the offense's job, and we haven't been doing that. We got outplayed just as much as we might have got out-coached on Sunday."

The Bills Let Trent Edwards Go! Can a team that week after week meekly goes to its fate be described as "desperate?" Maybe -- in a meek, quiet sort of way. Buffalo's Coach-By-Default Chan Gailey replaced Edwards with Ryan Fitzpatrick this week, then loved it so much when Fitzy led the bills to 30 points against the New England Patriots* that he let Edwards go entirely. I'm not sure why they felt the need to do this -- unless it was to avoid paying Edwards the remainder of the $1.65 million he'll earn this season -- but I do know that it looks like nobody, not even the Coach-by-Default, understands the move. Said Gailey:

"I can see where people would look at that and wonder what's going on... I felt that as we looked and evaluated everything that we had seen up to this point that this was the direction for the future of our football team."

The Bills are 0-3 -- and that's being charitable. They should be 0-6 by now, despite there having been only 3 games played, because there's simply no chance the Bills are going to win any significant amount of games. As much as I love the Bills and will root for them, they're flat-out the worst team in the NFL right now.

But even with that, it was a little early for Gailey to pull the plug on the Edwardian era; he can't possibly be on the hot seat just 3 games into his tenure... and can't possibly be on the hot seat considering that nobody else wants the job. Gailey, though, looked uninterested as the Bills only briefly challenged the Packers two weeks ago, and although I didn't watch the Bills-Patriots sure-loss this week, I'm pretty sure Gailey phoned it in there, too -- so I'm sure he just wanted to reassure the owners that he's doing something to merit that office and parking space.

The Weekend Happened

My take on all the stuff I barely followed this weekend.

Bai Ling in Madison happened: Pictured at right -- me with a goofy grin standing next to Bai Ling, who was in Madison to film her part in a movie being made by one of my old friends, Ross Bigley. The film is called "Petty Cash" and it sounds incredible. I was at the shoot for about 5 hours, and got to say a line ("Hey, Baby") as well as be the stand-in for another person and say their line. ("Tong!") As you'd expect, I nailed it.

"Petty Cash" premiers October 30 at the Milwaukee Art Museum as part of the Milwaukee Short Film Festival. I've been assured by Ross that my name will appear in the credits, so the line for autographs starts right over there. No, not there, there!

A new Texting Champion Happened: What's the season, exactly, on texting? Back in January, 16-year-old Kate Moore brought her total winnings to $60,000 (or 1/3 of her monthly cell bill) by texting "Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy...My oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin' my way...ZippittyDooDahZippityAay! Wonderful feeling, Wonderful day!" in less than 60 seconds. But the new US National Champion is reported to be 13-year-old Brianna Hendrickson, who just won $50,000 along with that title.

That all has something to do with the "LG Mobile World Cup 2010" which kicked off in July and which culminates in a world championship to be held in January, 2011.

And, in case you're wondering, the World Record for Texting is supposed to be held by Melissa Thompson, who typed "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human." in just 25.94 seconds.

I just tried to type that same thing, and in 30 seconds, I got as far as "THE RAZOR-TOOTHED PIRABSHA" before quitting.

Blowouts Happened: The average margin of victory for top-25 ranked teams over the weekend was 21.36 by my count -- with Wisconsin topping them all on a 70-3 blowout of Austin Peay. Even homer sportswriters for the comically tiny Wisconsin State Journal bemoaned the quality of that game. Fans, why do you like watching your team cream another team? What's the fun there?

Would Star Wars have been enjoyable for you if in the first ten minutes of the film, Vader had sent wave after wave of stormtroopers crashing down on Tatooine, burning everyone to a crisp and ending the tension even before Luke complained about going to Toshi Station?

It's close games and even matches that make sports exciting. Foregone conclusions are not exciting and don't particularly help your team tune up, either. If you're really a sports fan, you want your team to play quality opponents and win. Beating up on Cub Scouts Troop 247 isn't sporting.

For/Against/Don't Care: The Chicago Bears 2010 (P)review:

Team: The Chicago Bears.

For/Against/Don't Care? What, you thought just because the regular season started I would no longer do (p)reviews of NFL teams? Why should the start of games that count only to fans mean that I can't continue previewing what'll happen when teams actually start caring?

As I've said before, the NFL doesn't care about the first three or four weeks of the season, caring even less than the NCAA really cares about the first three or four weeks of its season. In college, the one-loss de facto rule makes the first couple of nonconference, Wisconsin -vs- Austin Peay games count a little, although most of those games are foregone conclusions.

In the NFL, it's worse. We're told by players and coaches that it takes 3-4 games to get up to speed, hence the 4-game preseason. But then we're told by players and coaches not to take the preseason seriously because the starters don't really play and teams don't really run their plays and defensive schemes...

... so what are they practicing, exactly?

And when, exactly, will they begin working on the actual stuff they want to use in the regular season?

The answer to the latter question is: With week one of the regular season. NFL teams begin really practicing the stuff they really want to run in week one -- and it'll take them 3 or 4 weeks to get it down. But NFL teams don't care because, unlike college, where one loss can wreck your season, in the NFL you can lose up to seven games and still make the playoffs, depending on your division. 2 or 3 losses doesn't mean anything in the NFL.

Teams do this, they say, because they don't want opponents to get film on them before the season starts. But that's a stupid reason. First of all, many teams don't watch all the films -- the Vikings didn't watch more than 8 games of the Saints before the NFC championship last year; that's how the Vikings missed that the Saints sometimes blitz the A-Gap.

Secondly, unless you're a new team, you're using the same stuff as last year. The Packers got all kinds of acclaim last year for a package they called "Psycho," one down lineman, five linebackers, five defensive backs. They used it periodically in 2009, and then hid it away for the preseason and then... unveiled it against the Bills again last week. Were the Bills fooled by the fact that the Packers hadn't used "Psycho" in the preseason? Well, probably, given that they're the Buffalo Bills, but other teams presumably had seen Psycho and expect to see it again.

Which brings up thirdly: Once you're in the regular season, using the regular packages, teams can get all the film they want of your schemes. So it's really just the first 3-4 weeks that other teams are caught by surprise (assuming they don't go look at last year's films). After that, opponents have plenty of film. Teams that the Bears will be playing in week 13 aren't going to worry that they don't have good preseason film; they have 12 weeks of this year's film.

A smart coach out there is one day going to use 1 or 2 of those preseason games to actually install all his packages and that coach is going to win his first couple of games and march to the Super Bowl. (That coach is not Chan Gailey.)

And if you look at the season so far, you know I'm right. Every NFL season starts with an inordinate amount of penalties and quarterback switches and injuries and major adjustments from week 1 to week 4. Already, entering week 3, about six teams have changed quarterbacks and there are the usual "surprise" teams that are anything but -- they're just teams taking advantage of the fact that their opponents haven't really come together yet. Is Miami any good? Are the Vikings bad? No, and no. They're just still practicing.

Which brings up, finally, the Bears, who are generating a lot of buzz for being 2-0, having beaten the Detroit (Polar Boy) Lions and the Dallas (Gorilla Grodd) Cowboys. This is deemed progress by pundits, who think this week's Monday Night Football matchup could "help determine who wins the NFC North."

Well, der. Any interdivision game helps determine who wins the division. Nice punditry, ESPN. Maybe you should just stick to plagiarizing me.

The Monday night game could be fun, because Bears-Packers games that matter and are close are fun games -- but it's not going to matter in the long run, because, first, the Vikings are going to win the division again (and then lose the Super Bowl to the Titans), and second, because the Bears aren't that good.

I know, Mike Martz. I know, beat the Cowboys. I know, Julius Peppers. But I also know: Chicago isn't very good. They're not very bad, either. They're just not very... anything. They're there. That's all.

It makes me miss Rex Grossman, to tell you the truth -- at least he was entertaining. Jay Cutler is predictably mediocre, the defense is predictably not as good as it's hyped to be, and Lovie Smith seems to be more spectator than coach these days. The Monsters of the Midway plus Mike Martz's mad genius plus Julius Peppers in the same defense as Brian Urlacher should have all added up to an awesome show of force, but it didn't. The Bears should have been exciting, but I just... can't... care. The Bears are a Don't Care, at least until they fire Lovie an promote Martz.

The Opposite View: They are 2-0. That's something that only 7 other teams can say at this point. Then again, how many of those teams nearly lost to both their opponents in the final minute of the game, being saved by deus ex machina each time?

Seriously, how many? I don't watch all the games.

Superhero The 2010 Bears Most Resemble: In case you don't recall, or in case I never clearly explained, the point of the superhero comparison is to give you an idea of how exciting (or not) the team is likely to be -- and whether you should root for them (hero) or against 'em (villain.) That makes it tough to pick out someone for the Bears, a team I like personally -- I root for them to beat the Packers, and will for so long as Mike "Mike" McCarthy and Ted Thompson run the team -- but which I can't get excited about. Since I root for them, I guess they're good guys, but I have to then pick out a hero who, while technically a good guy, is also not a very exciting good guy, the kind of hero who, when he turns up in a comic, you shrug and say "Oh, well, I suppose."

A hero like Hawkman, who is probably a perfect metaphor for the 2010 Bears. Hawkman's peaceful alter ego is an archaeologist named Carter Hall who, while not a cool archaeologist like Indiana Jones, at least had the comfort of being the reincarnation of an ancient Egyptian prince; later versions of Hawkman would instead try to up the voltage by claiming Hawkman was actually a cop from another planet. Then, ultimately, DC just decided to let all the origins be Hawkman's, so he's a reincarnated Egyptian prince/cop from another planet (which also, coincidentally, is the first storyline on Law & Order: LA this year).

Hawkman uses gadgets and ancient weapons to fly and attack people. And at the sound of "gadgets and ancient weapons," Mike Martz and Lovie Smith demanded to know who stole their playbook, while Julius Peppers said "Who are you calling ancient?" (I was actually referring to Urlacher, Julius.)

Your 2010 Chicago Bears:




Other previews:

Explanation & my Super Bowl prediction for this year.

Arizona Cardinals

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens.

Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings

Buffalo Bills.

Carolina Panthers.

Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns.

Dallas Cowboys

Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh Steelers.


______________________________________________________________

Vote for Me For Judge:

Briane Pagel
for
Dane County
Branch 9 Circuit Court Judge,
Spring, 2011.

Protection.
Equality.
Fairness.



Click here for more information about me and my views.

Paid for by Pagel For Judge, Lisa Stewart-Boettcher, Treasurer.

Bills: A little less rapping, a little more "actually playing quality football." (So They Made A Song About Sports)

I've only just gotten through about half of my Sports Illustrated NFL preview -- because I don't care about previews when nobody really knows what's going to happen and because, in the NFL, the first four games don't really count or matter -- so I didn't find out until yesterday that there was a song about someone who, apparently, is a Buffalo Bill.

Times have changed from when I knew most of the Bills' roster and should have been named their number one fan in Wisconsin -- nowadays, I didn't even know enough to know that Trent3 was called "Captain Checkdown" by the fans -- and I don't know who Jairus Byrd is on the Bills. Sports Illustrated said he's part of a Buffalo team "unit that boasts something approaching star quality," but, more importantly, Jairus Byrd is the subject of a song produced by another apparent Bill, Steve Johnson. Johnson is a WR on the Bills when not making songs like this:



Rap's not really my thing -- unless it's cool old-school Ice T, or cool new school stuff like the Gilbert & Sullivan version of Baby Got Back,



So I'm not judging the song. I am judging Jairus Byrd, who helped hold the Packers to just 34 points last week. Talk about near star quality. Without Byrd, that game might've been a blowout.

Hooray For Colin Cowherd! (And BOO! for Michael Vick.)

It's not often that I say nice things about Colin Cowherd -- at least since the ESPN host made it his full time job to suck up to Bill Belicheat -- but after listening to him yesterday, I have to give him kudos because he's the only person at ESPN, so far as I can tell, who cares enough to continue mentioning that Michael Vick killed a bunch of dogs and isn't worthy of respect or admiration.

I know that people can change. I know that some people, at least, deserve a second chance. And I know that Tony Dungy for some reason backs Michael Vick, which makes me think there's some reason to not despise Vick. But I can't get past that he killed a bunch of dogs. (And I can't get past this.) It's the kind of image that's hard to shake.

So when I see him out there running around, and see Philly fans cheering for him, it makes me mad. And then when I see ESPN repeatedly play up his so-called heroics, it makes me madder. Michael Vick, to me, is beyond the pale. He shouldn't have been allowed back in the NFL, and he shouldn't be making millions and he shouldn't be getting talked up on national TV and radio in a positive way. It's a disgrace that the NFL lets him do that and that ESPN plays into it.

And yesterday, Colin Cowherd mentioned the dog killing about four or five times in a span of maybe 10 minutes, repeatedly throwing it out there. So good for you, Colin. You won me back with that. And the rest of you, get some souls, for Pete's sake. He's a dog killer. Don't cheer for him.

The Weekend Happened:

The Weekend Happened tells you what you likely saw and I didn't, because I was doing other stuff.

The Chazen Museum Of Art Happened: On Saturday morning, I took Mr F and Mr Bunches downtown to see people getting ready for the Badger game, and also some art. They're pictured at right trying to knock down a giant picture, and being bored, respectively. We were somewhat disappointed to learn that the 2:30 kickoff meant that almost nobody was drunk at 11 a.m., when we were there, so the opportunity to see people dressed up in silly outfits and nearly vomiting was squandered. On the other hand, we picked up some cashew butter, so there's that.

Mike Golick's attempt to influence his kid's college career happened: If you listened to Mike & Mike this morning, then you know the basics of the story are this: Golic attended his kid's Notre Dame game on Saturday and watched as Michigan State played with guts and beat the Fighting Irish on a last-second fake field goal. Golic then mentioned that to the referees, who he happened to be sharing an airplane flight with on the way back.

Those are the basic facts. Mike & Mike, though, in setting up the story, interspersed the account with the word accidentally roughly 100,000 times in a short report. It went (parphrasically) like this:

Greenberg: So you accidentally were accidentally at your kid's game and accidentally on the sidelines you accidentally happened to have your eye accidentally on the playclock and accidentally happened to realize accidentally that Michigan State didn't snap the ball accidentally before accidentally beating your kid's team and then you accidentally mentioned that in passing to the refs in the accidental airport for no reason whatsover because you certainly weren't using your position as father of a Notre Dame player/national radio host to try to intimidate the refs who accidentally had just blown a call against your team.

Golic: Yeah, and I then accidentally kind of accidentally said something to the refs about it accidentally but I made sure that I mentioned that I was going to talk about it on my radio show only I made sure of that accidentally. (Actual quote Golic claims he said to the refs when he confronted them in the airport: "You know I'm going to talk about it Monday, so let's get it out: what happened on the last play, what happened to the play clock.")

So did Golic try to use his status as an ESPN radio host to berate the refs for blowing a call against his son's team, combining that with a threat to expose it on national radio in hopes that future calls would go in favor of Notre Dame? Nobody can say for sure... but the answer is yes.

The Brewers Beginning To Plan For Next Year Happened: The Milwaukee Brewers were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, surprising those of us who weren't aware that baseball was still being played, and further surprising those of us who thought that had happened two years ago when they got rid of C.C. Sabathia.
The Buffalo Bills' Quarter Of Dominance Happened: I opted to watch the Bills-Packers game on Sunday afternoon, because I needed something to do while I ate my healthy nacho platter and because I wanted to see just how badly Mike McCarthy could screw up as a coach against a team that doesn't care and doesn't matter, and I wasn't disappointed in that respect: McCarthy continues to show that what he lacks in game planning abilities he more than makes up for in inability to react to events. (Throwing the red flag to challenge a catch that clearly was out-of-bounds? And doing so against Buffalo? And on a play that didn't lead to a score? Excellent move.) But the real story of the afternoon was how masterful the Bills' play was in the second quarter; it's a shame nobody bothered to point aging Coach Chan Gailey towards the field so he could enjoy the Bills holding the Packers to virtually nothing for a quarter and scoring a whole touchdown. I've long said that the problem isn't that the Bills are bad, it's that the games are too long. You cut the games down to 15 minutes, and Buffalo will give anyone a run for their money.

Christine O'Donnell continued to happen: If you want to get elected right now, here's what you do: Say big government bad, health care bad, take back the country. Absolutely nobody will look into your background and/or decision-making ability and you'll rack up votes from Tea Partiers who have devoted most of their energy into making bad hats and poorly-thought-out protest signs. Exhibit 1: Christine O'Donnell. While her views on masturbation and premarital sex aren't all that out-of-touch with most Americans' own stances, O'Donnell's dabbling in witchcraft (including picnics on bloody altars) is more than many people are willing to consider upright behavior. But what REALLY should upset people (if they bothered paying attention) is her inability to balance her prior campaign's checkbook and manage the funds of a small Senate campaign, and her apparent paranoia. Reports that she suspected her phone lines were tapped, unpaid bills, and a claim that she was only running for office to become famous and get a job on TV all raise serious questions about her qualifications and desire for the job she's seeking.

But serious questions about a politician's ability, desire, intelligence, or character have yet to stop a Tea Partier from voting for someone who says you betcha.

Aussie Footy Teams: They don't have copyright laws down under? (So They Made A Song About Sports)

As you sit in the comfort of your home watching NFL teams work out the kinks they should have (but didn't) work out in preseason, take solace in the fact that Aussies are reeling, and not just because they only just now realized that Paul Hogan isn't popular anymore.

No, on top of that bad news comes the Catholic Church's latest attempt to rewind to the 16th century when everything was great: The Archbishop of Melbourne announced the other day that Australian Catholics should not play pop music at funerals.

More music of the devil, as a stereotypical 1950s father might have grimaced while sternly holding his pipe and pointing his copy of the SuburviaVille News-Advocate Nigthly Edition at you? Not this time, Pops: The Church is opposed to fun. The new guidelines tell Catholics that

"Secular items are never to be sung or played at a Catholic funeral, such as romantic ballads, pop or rock music, political songs, football club songs."

And THAT is how sports sneak into this -- as the top song played at funerals in Australia is "The Collingwood Theme Song." Give it a listen while you pretend that Diet Mountain Dew you're drinking is a Foster's:



Collingwood is, according to Google: 1. the last name of a British philosopher and I couldn't read any farther because I fell asleep, and 2. an English place name and 3. A Museum of Americanism, which sounds like it was started by noodle-brained Tea Partiers but surprisingly is real thing, with real education and an actual understanding of history (unlike the Tea "Party.")

Oh, and fourthly, "Collingwood" is an Australian Rules Football Team that apparently has failed a lot, resulting in some very poetic writing about them that made me despise ESPN's plagiaristas even more: get to a creative writing class, Simmons & Ilk, so you can write like this:


Usually, it is the beguiling prospect of ultimate success that energises the grand final week buzz. What makes this AFL grand final so compelling in prospect is that both combatants have, in different ways, been synonymous with failure.

Collingwood's reputation is tainted by an abject grand final record - a lone victory in 1990 to show for 11 appearances since 1958. That miserable statistic will weigh heavily on the Magpies' fans this week, if not the unusually assured team that seized premiership favouritism by belting Geelong on Friday.

St Kilda have not often even afforded their supporters much false hope. The Saints have just one premiership to show for 113 seasons of toil and, pertinently, 26 wooden spoons to symbolise their historic role as perennial battlers.

I don't know what any of that meant, but it sure was purty to read.

I'm going to just note for the record a few things:

First, CNN is the one that said the Collingwood Theme Song was the number one Aussie choice. This article says otherwise. And by "otherwise" I mean "this article says that some funerals have people playing "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. So I'm kind of on the Bishop's side here.

Here's some other AFL fight songs:

The Sydney Swans:



And here's the Brisbane Lions, which rips off "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles... unless that intro is from some other song? I'm not a historian. Look it up yourself.



Here's the Essendon Bombers. Is it really the same guys singing all these?



Here's the Melbourne Demons:



And that one TOTALLY DOES rip off a song -- two songs, in fact: It swipes from "Auld Lang Syne" AND "You're A Grand Old Flag" by Cohan:



And let's finish up with the Melbourne Kangaroos, since GOD KNOWS Australia would have a heart attack if you say something about them without fitting in the word "kangaroo" somewhere:

Obtenez l'aide avec des coûts d'hôpital.

Les coûts d'hôpital peuvent fonctionner vers le haut vraiment rapidement -- prenez-le de moi, je savent -- et si you' ; re recherchant une certaine remboursement hospitalisation que vous devez appeler 0 810 816 253 et leur parler. They' ; aide de ll avec les coûts de votre pièce, accompagnement parental pour des enfants au-dessous de 10, même prenant soin de votre chat ou de votre chien. Des coûts bien plus extraordinaires peuvent être couverts comprenant l'enseignement de rattrapage et autre l'aide, ainsi don' ; t obtiennent cogné avec les factures énormes d'hôpital. Appelez-les maintenant.

If you want to get rich, play golf.

It's not every kid, I suppose, who dreams of growing up to become a world famous golfer; that'd be the equivalent of the musically-talented kids picking up a violin instead of a guitar and hoping to make it big. (In other words, nerdy.)

But if you are sportsy, at all, then golf is your key to riches, and not by becoming a professional golfer, either. An article on Slate links to a study that showed that the better your golf game, the more money you'll make... as a businessman. The study used science-y language to investigate, but summed up its findings thusly:
"we do find a relation between handicap and CEO compensation. In short, golfers earn more than non-golfers and pay increases with golfing ability."

The odds are, kids, you're never going to be a professional athlete. You're going to end up an office drone (hopefully more like Jim than Dwight.) And since that's the case, I'd get practicing on the short game now. Forget putting -- notwithstanding Tiger's constantly blaming his putter for his troubles, putting has no real impact on the game.

The Weekend Happened:

The Weekend Happened is my round-up of those sports-y things that I barely took notice of over the weekend while I went out and had a life. Assuming that "shopping at Wal-Mart" and "making halfhearted plans to someday mow the lawn" is equivalent to "a life."

Dylan's Run Happened: Dylan's Run is an annual 2-mile run/walk at the lakefront in Milwaukee; it raises money for autism research and treatment. You can find out more about it here. The whole family attended this year -- even The Boy, who tore himself away from NFL pregame to do some good. Our family did the walk, and finished not quite last.

Shown at right: Me and Mr Bunches, turning our back on lakefront art to continue walking.

Michael Vick's return happened: My prediction to The Boy for the Packers game was Packers 17, Eagles, 10, and I at least got the point-spread right. I listened to the game on the radio and tried to keep track of Green Bay's 73 different wide receivers. It was nice to see that Green Bay's defense picked up exactly where they left off.

Question of the day: If you're Ben Roethlisberger, do you see Vick play and go to Roger Goodell and say "Isn't not being charged with murder worse than not being charged with rape?" and ask for your suspension to be cancelled?

Peyton Manning Losing Streak Happened: It seems Indy wanted to either completely devalue Jim Caldwell's coaching resume, or decided to just get the Will-They-Or-Won't-They-Go-Undefeated question off the table, as they spotted Houston a season's worth of points before beginning to call plays. On the plus side, my laziness in not altering my fantasy football roster meant that I started Peyton, and nothing racks up fantasy points like a desperate Manning -- being on a two-game losing streak will do that to a guy.

The NFL's Crazy Rules Happened: The "Tuck Rule," the "Bert Emmanuel Rule," the facemask on Aaron Rogers that didn't invalidate a touchdown, and now... it's too early for me to come up with a catchy name for what happened in yesterday's Bears-Lions "game." Sitting at Dad's house and waiting to sing happy birthday to Mr F and Mr Bunches, I saw the live airing of the Nontouchdown, and for the umpteenth season in a row, the NFL has to assure us that, yes, that really is a rule, while we say "But why is it a rule?" That was only not a catch in the NFL. I know the rule is there, but I'm not sure why two feet, one hip, one knee, and then one hand down, while obviously maintaining possession of the ball, isn't a catch. Look for the NFL to change that rule, too, as soon as they get done (in order) paying Peyton Manning $20,000,001 and then locking the players out for the 2011 season while lighting their comically large cigars using flaming $1,000-bills they'll have minted for just that purpose.


Worried you won't have time to read these posts as I put them up? You can always look for my thoughts two days later when Bill Simmons "reprints" them.

Hey, Bill Simmons! At Least Give Me A Footnote. (And by "Footnote" I mean "Six-figure settlement.")

I have nothing but respect for ESPN's Bill Simmons, or I would have nothing but respect for him if I ever read anything he wrote. So let me put it more this way: I have nothing but respect for the way Bill Simmons recognizes creative clever thinking and good writing... and then uses it for himself without attribution.

This was pointed out to me by Rogue Mutt -- not just a great writer, but a great reader -- so it's not my usual paranoia/delusions of grandeur at work here.

Bill Simmons stole my idea.

Back on Tuesday, I posted my Preview of the 2010 Dallas Cowboys, in which I said that Dallas is all glitz... and added this:

It's no wonder the team is now linked to the Kardashians: Both symbolize the way an image no longer has to represent a reality, or even hide reality. No, for the Kardashians and the Dallas Cowboys and America today, the image is enough. If people think you're glitzy, you're glitzy.

Bill Simmons, two days later, posted his week 1 picks, and said, among other things, this:

Much like the Kardashians successfully created the illusion that they should be famous, the Cowboys successfully created the illusion that they should be a Super Bowl contender....As with the Kardashians, it's all about the packaging.

I wonder where Simmons got that idea? He should at least have the decency to give me credit. And, remember, Bill, I like my credit in $10s and $20s.

For/Against/Don't Care: The Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings' 2010 Preview.

Team: Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings.

For/Against/Don't Care? Everyone who knows me will be thinking Of course, he's going to be for the Vikings because this guy loves Brett Favre and thinks he's great and can do no wrong.

And they're mostly right. I'm FOR the Brett Favre's Vikings. And I'm FOR the Brett Favre's Vikings solely because of Brett Favre, because why else would anyone root for Minnesota? What else is there to like about the team that represents Wisconsin's poor cousin? (Or, North Dakota's high-falutin' neighbor?) Brad Childress' main attraction, as a coach, is that his beard last year reminded me of Tom Hanks' beard in Cast Away. Adrian Peterson is very, very overrated as a running back: fumbling three times in the NFC Championship is inexcusable, and that game transformed him into Ahman Green with better press agents. The Vikings' defensive line is playing only because of legal maneuvering (not that I'm opposed to full employment for lawyers), and to top it all off, they're starting the season not by boldly declaring this year they're definitely going to win it all, but by meekly whining about the Saints' dirty plays last year.

So, if not for Brett Favre, the Vikings would be a don't care. That's why they gave him all that money and flew a jet to bring him and his Crocs back to the Land Of At Most Maybe 150 Lakes, So Let's Quit Exaggerating.

And what's not to root for about Brett Favre: twenty years in the league. 285 consecutive starts. Last year was his best year ever, and this year, if he plays it right, he could be the first grandfather to win a Super Bowl. When I get out of bed in the morning, I ache and I'm tired and I don't want to get up and I barely make it downstairs for coffee. And I have a desk job. When Favre gets out of bed in the morning, he's looking at getting hit by guys who weigh, on average, more than 230 pounds (sometimes a lot more.) And since the conventional wisdom is that hitting Favre hard caused him to throw that interception at the end of the Saints-Vikings NFC Championship, teams are going to be trying extra hard to knock him down. And he still came back. Yeah, he had to think about it, but do you think that decision was easy?

The Opposite View: If Favre is the only reason to root for the Vikes, then what's the effect of this? I'm trying to tell myself that the story was false.

Superhero The 2010 Vikings Are Most Like: Golden-Age Superman: Both he and Brett Favre are once-iconic heroes who now are mostly misremembered and somehow were replaced by identical-seeming younger, cooler versions of themself. That's got to be tough -- to see the multiverses merge and realize not only is there another you, but it's that other you that people prefer? A lot tougher, say, than going back to Lambeau and outplaying The Anointed One handily.

Both Golden Age Superman and Brett Favre relied on a supporting cast in the biggest adventures of their lives --

Golden Age Superman doesn't inspire a lot of excitement -- but does inspire some fond remembrances, a few confused looks, and a nostalgic desire for one more go-round. And, Golden Age Superman had some things going for him. He was the original superhero, remember, and the strongest of them all. And he looked good with gray hair. And, he never got ripped on by a bitter, sullen Fran Tarkenton. So far as we know. Your 2010 Brett Favre's Minnesota Vikings:




Other previews:

Explanation & my Super Bowl prediction for this year.

Arizona Cardinals

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens.

Buffalo Bills.

Carolina Panthers.

Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns.

Dallas Cowboys

Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Scariest Things, You Can't Imagine

A shape-shifting demon torments children while their parents stand by. A widower haunted by the ghost of his wife tries to understand her requests. A baby stolen from his mother by gargoyles returns, full of hatred for the life he's led. A family of children raised by grave-robbing corpse stealers tries to discover a way out. An elderly man possesses the power of life and death in his retirement. These stories present images and people who will haunt your thoughts for a long time after you read them, proving that The Scariest Things, You CAN'T Imagine.

Buy the book on Lulu.com,

or get it on your Kindle for $0.99!

For/Against/Don't Care: The Dallas Cowboys 2010 Preview.

Team: Dallas Cowboys.

For/Against/Don't Care? This is an easy call. When was the last time the Dallas Cowboys were even remotely likeable? I can't remember, and you probably can't. Even in their Super Bowl heydays back in the 1990s, there were two players on the entire roster who maybe were kind of likeable: Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman. And I'm not so sure about Emmitt; he might not have become likeable until that Dancing With The Stars season.

And I'm not just telling people outside of Dallas that they shouldn't like the Cowboys. People in Dallas, people who should be Cowboys fans, you should hate your team, too -- if only because they have the gall to charge you $39 to stand in a hallway and watch TV (and you have the stupidity to pay it, you dummies.)

The Cowboys used to be America's team, but that was an America symbolized by Roger Staubach and Tom Landry's hat. After that, they weren't so much America's Team as they were Jerry Jones' team, and since making the shift, they've won three Super Bowls and become make-believe versions of America's Team. They're all flash and glitz... but with nothing behind the flash and glitz. We hear about them endlessly and we wonder, why? What have they done since 1994? Not very much. It's no wonder the team is now linked to the Kardashians: Both symbolize the way an image no longer has to represent a reality, or even hide reality. No, for the Kardashians and the Dallas Cowboys and America today, the image is enough. If people think you're glitzy, you're glitzy.

Beyond that, though -- beyond serving as proof that the American Dream is a will o' the wisp -- the Cowboys also have the single most annoying person in the world at QB, a broken-down coach who drove two franchises into the ground before stopping in Texas, and overblown controversies over hazing rituals, and isn't that enough? Root Against The Cowboys this year, and help stop the madness.

The Opposite View: I think I can see the TV in Cowboys Stadium from my house. Which means I owe Jerry Jones $39. (Also: how long before Jones gives in to temptation and just renames that stadium "Jerry Jones Field?" I say two years.)

I'm not giving an opposite view. There's no reason and no sufficient basis for ever rooting for the Dallas Cowboys.

Supervillain The 2010 Cowboys Are Most Like: As an Against team, the level of excitement the Cowboys generate this year -- and thus the reason for watching them, if any - -has to be measured against a supervillain. But which supervillain most resembles how exciting (if villainous) the Cowboys will be this year? It can't be a top-tier villain -- no Jokers or Lex Luthers for the Cowboys, because they're not top-tier, either. It can't be someone really interesting, either, because the Cowboys never manage to sustain a full season's interest. There's always a three-game lull, or they lose all their games after Thanksgiving, or make it into the playoffs only to be hopelessly behind by the second quarter.

And let's not forget that the Cowboys' chief rival is the Washington Redskins -- a team that hardly deserves the appellation rival.

So is there a villain out there who holds some superficial interest, but whose evil never really rises to the occasion? One who might occasionally show up in a team-up or something, but who otherwise is generally relegated to the second story in Detective Comics?

One who, perhaps, aspires to greater things and thinks he's really smart and great, but who's not all that, let alone a bag of chips?

Sure: Gorilla Grodd. This telepathic ape was named the 35th best villain of all time -- quick, try to name 34 supervillains. I bet you can't, which means that Grodd ranked behind about twenty villains so unmemorable that you can't think of them. He mainly fought The Flash, which is a who cares kind of hero, and once teamed up with "Rex The Wonder Dog."

Like Grodd, the Cowboys are always aspiring to a higher status and think they're better than they really are but end up primarily affecting us by throwing their own poop. We'll root against both but not be terribly worried about (or excited by) either.

As for us football fans, we can only hope that at one point, Tony Romo will throw a pass to Rex The Wonder Dog. Here's your 2010 Dallas Cowboys:

Other previews:


Explanation & my Super Bowl prediction for this year.

Arizona Cardinals

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens.

Buffalo Bills.

Carolina Panthers.

Chicago Bears

Cleveland Browns.

Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh Steelers.

Sports Things To Stop Doing Now, 1

Stop calling things Nation.

Please?

I'm tired of hearing about Raider Nation and Red Sox Nation and, probably, Mickelson Nation. They're fans. Just fans.

Remember, it's possible to talk about sports without sounding like an idiot. Not only possible, but preferable.

For/Against/Don't Care: The Cleveland Browns 2010 Preview.

Team: Cleveland Browns.

For/Against/Don't Care? Everytime you think to yourself "Boy, I wish there were more regular season games," or "Boy, I wish we could expand the league and have teams in Los Angeles, and Las Vegas, and maybe Tokyo," remember this: You already have to sit through 16 Cleveland Browns games per year. Do you really want to water down the talent pool that much more, so that we get teams that are worse than the Browns playing other teams that are worse than the Browns?

There are 16 NFL games every week, and on average, 12-13 of them aren't worth caring about. On average, the Browns are playing in one of those games. Don't care about them this year, and do something productive on Sunday afternoons, or watch a better game.

The Opposite View: If you don't want to Don't care about the Browns, you could always root against them to show Clevelandians how dumb they are to act like such children about LeBron deciding to play second (or third?) fiddle on a team that won't win a championship. But no matter what you choose, the Browns are going to be godawful this year, so, seriously, don't watch.

Superhero The 2010 Browns Are Most Like: You'd think it'd be tough coming up with a superhero who's boring enough to match the Browns' lack of excitement while also being nondescript enough to incite no passion or excitement whatsoever. And you'd be right.. .unless you were dealing with me, since I have a categorical knowledge of superheroes (albeit a categorical knowledge of superheroes that stops around 1988, when I stopped reading comics.)

The superhero the Browns are most like is the original, Golden-Age, "The Atom." It's too easy: From the name ("The Atom." That's what what he was called. So you'd have to say "Help! Help! Somebody help me! Oh, thank God, Mr. The Atom, that you've arrived.") to his lack of powers (he was just a short guy who liked to punch people) to his mask -- which was just part of his cape pulled over his face with eyeholes punched in it, Al Pratt inspired in people no fear, a little pity, some humor, and mostly a desire to turn the pages quickly enough to get past whatever misadventure he was embarking on.

Your 2010 Cleveland Browns:






Other previews:


Explanation & my Super Bowl prediction for this year.

Arizona Cardinals

Atlanta Falcons

Baltimore Ravens.

Buffalo Bills.

Carolina Panthers.

Chicago Bears

Detroit Lions.

Pittsburgh Steelers.

I'm running for Judge

I live in Middleton, Wisconsin, and I'm running for Judge in Dane County, Wisconsin, in the Spring 2011 Elections.

For more information, visit Pagel For Judge:

www.pagelforjudge.com