Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The (Mostly Hypothetical) NFL Preview: The Seattle Seahawks.


The Team: Seattle Seahawks.

Quick Recap: Here is what you need to know about the Seahawks: Their owner, Paul Allen, has a $160,000,000 yacht, a boat he spends $384,000 per week keeping running.

Down the road a bit from Allen lives a man named Brian Donaldson. Donaldson is disabled and had been unemployed for 2 years when he was profiled on NPR's "Hunger In America." To get food he could eat -- because of his illness- Donaldson (who's $1,650 per month income made him ineligible for food stamps) couldn't go to soup kitchens, so he volunteered at a community food bank, working a few hours a week in exchange for the right to pick out foods he can eat.

The cost of living a modest lifestyle in Oakland, where Donaldson lives, is $70,000 per year. Donaldson's disability income gives him $19,800 per year. His wife was taking courses to work as a nurse at the time of the article.

That was in 2005. I wasn't able to find an update on Donaldson, so I don't know what happened to him.

But if Paul Allen had used one week's worth of his yacht money, he could have made up the difference between what Donaldson earned, and what he need to earn to live a modest lifestyle.

That's why I will never, ever, ever, root for the Seattle Seahawks again, or say anything nice about them.

Ever.

Paul Allen is a horrible human being.
If you're not careful, you might accidentally confuse them with:
I See Hawks in L.A.

Google the phrase "see hawks" and you'll find this band's page, which says that the band began in 1999 "during a philosophical discussion and rock throwing session," which is exactly how John Marshall came up with the idea that the judiciary could invalidate laws as unconstitutional; you'd know more about that, but John Marshall didn't have the foresight to create a band called "Emphatically the province and duty..."

Here's their song "California Country,"



And here's "Raised by Hippies:"



They're amiable enough. I'd rather hang out with them than spit on Paul Allen, for what that's worth. (Actually, I'd rather hang out with them and spit on Paul Allen.)

Which Romantic Comedy Character Are The Seahawks Going To Be Like This Year?

Steff, from Pretty In Pink:



Sleazy, annoying, vaguely creepy, totally unlikeable, and ultimately a forgotten loser. (We can hope.)





Other teams previewed:

Tennessee Titans


Washington Redskins


Tampa Bay Buccaneers

1 comment:

Rogue Mutt said...

It's sad the owner of the Seahawks is such a douche and the former owner of the Sonics (the Starbucks guy) was such a douche he sold the team to two guys who blatantly wanted to move them to Oklahoma City. So they got rotten luck with owners there. Except maybe for the Mariners. Doesn't Nintendo own them? Or someone who works for Nintendo? I don't remember.

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