Sunday, August 28, 2011

Update On God: He likes Larry Fitzgerald, still hates Buffalo (but watches Keeping up with the Kardashians.)


Larry Fitzgerald, whose total NFL career, as far as I'm concerned, can be encapsulated in the phrase "not living up to potential that may not exist" got paid this week -- $50,000,000. And you may think that Larry Fitzgerald got paid because of his talent, but that talent appears dubious, at best, given that when you think NFL wide receivers over the last few years, where does Larry Fitzgerald appear on that list? I'll give you the list of NFL Wide Receivers over the last three years, off the top of my head:

1. Ochocinco.
2. Terrell Owens
3. Sidney Rice
4. Donald Driver
5. Greg Jennings.
6. Hines Ward.

Now, granted, that list is Packer-heavy because I live in Wisconsin, and it includes Hines Ward mostly because he managed to fend of crowd favorite Kirstie Alley on Dancing with the Stars, but still: Nobody knows Larry Fitzgerald.

Except God, and He's really the only person who counts, right? After Fitzgerald parlayed being "the most attractive woman in the royal family"*

*this is a saying that I use when the competition is not really all that strong. Fitzgerald may be the best receiver on the Cardinals, but saying that is like saying "she's the most attractive woman in the royal family," or "he's the smartest Palin." There's not really any yardstick to measure by, is there?

into $50,000,000 -- or one thousand times the annual median income in Arizona, although to be fair all those illegal aliens are keeping wages down for people, right? -- people like me were left wondering who was responsible for this. It can't be Fitzgerald, right? For obvious reasons (he's not that good, is my point.) It could be stupid ownership blowing money on a never-will-be, paying about $1,200 per dropped-errant-Kolb-pass, and I was about to blame them, but then I got the information, straighthand, from someone who knows: Chris Johnson, holdout running back, who tweeted:

god is good.

You know Chris Johnson has the inside scoop, because we all have to call God by his formal name, God with a capital G. But Chris is on an informal basis.

And Larry himself appears to also be on speaking terms with God**
**or god, because I can't rule out the possibility that Chris Johnson just spilled the beans and we actually live in a multitheistic world; for all I know, Johnson was speaking of just one god out of many. So it may be Thor that did this.

because he Tweeted back

thanks CJ you up next my guy

and if you want to determine the relative positions of "NFL Players" vis a vis "God" in the average footballer's mind, just note that they don't capitalize God but do capitalize each other.

That's not all God was up to this week, though: As shown by people giving credit where credit is due -- i.e., thanking God on Twitter, God also made sure Kim Karsdashian's made-for-tv wedding went through, and it's probably because He was so busy doing that that Tim Tebow got relegated to third string and hasn't yet been shipped off to Buffalo -- God being too busy to strike down Kyle Orton (that's for next week) and still too mad at Buffalo, which is apparently modern-day Gomorrah, to send a real quarterback there.

Speaking of which, everyone knows what Sodom did to make God mad, (they raped angels, according to some people) but what did Gomorrah do? Are college students going around gomorrahizing each other? Shouldn't they be? Isn't that what college is all about?

Aaaaaannnnd... there's the NSFW filter kicking in on your computer.


Previously, on Updates On God:

God likes Ochocinco.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I bet Favre set this up just to make Aaron Rodgers lose sleep. (Brett Favre Legacy Update!)


I keep thinking I should have a little jingle for this feature. I've never had a jingle.

Anyway, Brett Favre hasn't yet signed with Miami (or, hopefully, the Toronto Bills) but he is still out there getting publicity, via his drink-cadging Doppleganger:

A man who resembles Brett Favre has been impersonating the former Packers quarterback around Green Bay. He's even been spotted wearing a No. 4 jersey. ...the man impersonating Favre reportedly attended the Packers practice Thursday and posed for pictures with several fans. He also showed up at two local sports bars.

(Source.) Despite previously hating Favre so much that they burned him in effigy, short-memoried, easily-duped, not-yet-sold-on-The-Anointed-One-Even-With-The-Super-Bowl-Ring Packer fans asked Not-Favre to sign autographs, which he apparently did still posing as Brett. Some fans weren't fooled:

"The guy is a phony...But he keeps his head down so you can't get that good of a look at him,"

Said the owner of a sports bar where Bizarro Favre held court for fifteen minutes or so. (Same source.).

Judge for yourself: Here's Fake Favre sitting in the stands watching a Packers practice:



Just to make sure they weren't (or were?) being Punk'd, the Green Bay Press Gazette tracked down Favre's travel coordinator, who confirmed that Favre hasn't been in the Green Bay area since the last time the Vikings played the Packers, which raised the obvious question:

Why does Brett Favre need a travel coordinator?

The only possible answer, to those in the know (guilty!) is that Favre needs a travel coordinator because he is clearly planning on signing with the Toronto Bills, and travel between Mississippi and Canada is tricky. probably as soon as tomorrow. Don't hesitate to draft him in your Fantasy Football league.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

The NFL is doing what it can to make sure you never see quality football again.



A while back, when the NFL strike settled, I remember hearing on commentator say "Will the fans forgive the NFL?"

He meant "Will the fans forgive the NFL for the lockout because they missed football news over the spring and early summer?" which is a silly question because those months are full of stupid NFL news, anyway, and abbreviating the free agent period to about 72 hours made no difference in the fan's lives, and left nothing to forgive.

What he should have meant was this: "Will the fans forgive the NFL for making the NFL season have even fewer games with teams that are ready to play at a high level, and also will the fans forgive the owners for setting it up so that even more players can get injured early on?"

Both of those things are what the lockout did, and they will have a huge impact on the NFL season.

I've mentioned in the past that NFL teams don't really start playing until Week 4, a figure I arrived at by noting that:

A. All NFL teams figure it takes about 4 weeks of preseason games to get up to speed on their offenses, and

B. No NFL teams run the "full package" of their plays, sticking with vanilla offenses and not really practicing their plays, to avoid giving the other teams films of their "real" plays to look at.

All of which means that:

C. NFL coaches are stupid and think that other coaches are, too, as if they've been on the job for more than a year, then the other teams have more than enough film of their plays -- unless NFL coaches every year introduce entirely new plays they've never run before, which would be even more stupid than just not practicing.

Plus, at best, not running your "real" plays in the preseason would only help for the first 2-3 teams you play -- by week 3, everyone's got film of your "real" plays, and

D. NFL teams, by not really practicing their plays with their first string during the preseason go into weeks 1-3 not totally prepared to play football for realz, as the kids don't say.

So this year, you're going to have teams be even more unprepared (less prepared?) going into the season, because they didn't get that extra few weeks of training camp before the exhibition games began, so by my estimate, it'll be about week six before teams really know what they're doing out there.

By which time, they'll have to get the backups ready to play, if The Dorsey Levens Effect is real, which it is.

The Dorsey Levens Effect is what I call the tendency of players who don't get a full preseason to be injured early on in the season. Back when the Packers were coming off their Brett Favre Super Bowls, Dorsey Levens was their starting running back, and felt like he should be paid more money than he'd agreed to be paid -- so he held out for a while in training camp, got a raise to $25 million, and then broke his leg the second week of the season. His holdout lasted 44 days -- 44 days of training camp he missed, only to come in and play the first two games.

My theory -- (and it's a theory like evolution is a theory, meaning that it's a fact unless you live in Texas, in which case you're more or less an Iranian when it comes to intelligence, treating people fairly, and actually being good for America) -- is that players who hold out tend to be injured at a higher rate than other players, and my reasoning is that even players who are as well-conditioned and work-out-year-round-y as NFL players are today need to bring their bodies slowly up to the even higher level of performance that's demanded on game day, when people move full-speed and they don't have that tendency to not actually hit the other guy that hard that their own teammates do.

(I assume that even though they hit hard in practice, players on the same team aren't really as motivated to knock down their own teammates as players on another team might be.)

Which means that a player who holds out doesn't have as much time to get his body back into real playing form before the hits start counting, and is that much more likely to be injured.

I'd like to tell you that a scientist somewhere or other has backed me up on this -- but googling "do holdout players get injured more frequently" led to nothing from science.

But, googling "missing training camp more likely to cause serious injury" led to this site, which said:

Also, by holding out,players become much more susceptible to serious injury because they have not had the benefit of the conditioning and preparation they would have received in training camp.

And that was written by a lawyer, so you know it's accurate.

But it makes sense, doesn't it? Not just the conditioning -- but the expectations a player has. A receiver who doesn't know the route to run, a running back who can't remember blocking assignments, and so on, are players who aren't expecting something -- so a block gets missed, a cut gets made late, and a player gets hit when he's not expecting it and gets injured.

Me and that other lawyer aren't the only ones who think this is true, either. Former Rams coach Jim Haslett blamed Steven Jackson's injury a few years back on his holdout. Darrelle Revis held out last year and then hurt his hamstring, with some people blaming the injury on the holdouts.

Which is interesting, because ordinarily, a holdout player has only himself to blame -- he didn't want to honor his contract, and got himself injured as a result. But this year, it's the NFL's fault if players start suffering injuries at a higher-than-usual rate because the NFL locked them out and then refused to move back or shorten the regular season. And with the NFL already being sued by former players who allege the league didn't do enough to protect them from injury, you'd think someone in the front office would have thought of this.

Essentially, the 2011-2012 season is a massive test of The Dorsey Levens Effect: This year, the NFL has essentially had nothing but holdouts, as the strike meant no mini-camps and no offseason visits to the team trainer, and as a result, I'm betting we'll see a higher-than-usual injury rate

But I'm hedging that bet by also betting that not a single commentator will call out the NFL for locking out its players and making them more likely to suffer serious injuries.


National Benefit Authority helps make Canada the Paradise Of The North.

Here in America, it's easy to imagine that Canada is a paradise (weather notwithstanding) -- we're always told that Canada has this or that or the other thing benefit.

What we don't hear is how confusing that can be for the average person, who may have to navigate complicated government programs without help. That's where the The National Benefit Authority comes in.

The National Benefit Authority was set up with the simple goal of helping Canadians who suffer from disabilities get the money they are owed by the Canadian government. The man who set it up did so because he helped some relatives apply for a disability claim, and learned first-hand how confusing the Canadian system can be, and found nobody really able to help him.

So he set up the National Benefit Authority to help people who might find themselves in that situation, and the NBA will now do the work for you. They've worked through almost every kind of claim, so they've got familiarity with a variety of the different processes you'll have to go through, and they'll supply a dedicated Benefit Specialist to help make sure your claim gets processed quickly and correctly.

If you're Canadian, don't miss out on the benefits you deserve -- call the National Benefit Authority.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Kobe Bryant thinks you should think he's a good guy. (He's not.)



The NBA lockout is of concern to NBA fans and sports casters, even though it shouldn't be because there is zero percent*

*that's the fewest percents as you can have!


chance they'll miss any of the regular season, and even if the regular NBA season was canceled in its entirety, would that be so bad? It's meaningless, anyhow, and just allows people to think that LeBron James might actually be good at basketball.

What the NBA fans and sports casters aren't talking about, at least prior to today, are the people who actually are affected by the NBA lockout -- the people who work for the teams and who now are starting to be laid off. You may have heard of them: They're the team employees who don't get signing bonuses starting in the millions, and so they can't afford to take three months off without pay.

Luckily for them -- or at least two of them-- the Heroic Lifesaving Angelic Probably-Would-Be-Elected-God-But-He's-Still-Pretty-Humble Kobe Bryant**,

**why is there no emoticon for sarcasm?

and other LA Lakers have leaped to the rescue. Or, at least, "dropped their pocket change and decided not to pick it up" to the rescue:

Kobe Bryant insisted on giving some of the team’s playoff bonus to two members of the Lakers’ video department whose contracts were not renewed after the season.

Chris Bodaken and Patrick O’Keefe split about $65,000 of the Lakers’ playoff bonus.
Bodaken started with the Lakers as a ball boy in 1986 and spent the last 10 seasons as their director of video services. O’Keefe was the Lakers’ video coordinator for six seasons. They both hope to be re-hired by the team when the NBA lockout ends. For now, they are thankful for Bryant’s financial gesture.


My source for that quote is "The Hoop Doctors," which called the move a "nice gesture" by the Lakers. (I heard similar sentiments on CNN, home of the staged walkout.)

And gesture it is. In that a gesture helps out not at all. Imagine a starving Ethiopian. This'll help you:


Now gesture at those kids. Give them a wave. Or a thumbs up. Feel better about yourself?

Neither should Kobe and the Lakers.

The NBA pools playoff money and gives it to teams based on how far they advance in the playoffs, and the teams vote on what to do with it. The Lakers last year got $604,000 in playoff money, and voted to give 10% of their bonus to two guys who are out of work.

10%.

"They're a huge part of our team," said one player.
(Source.) No, they're not. They're at best less than 10% of the extra money your team makes.

Let's put this gesture in perspective.

The LA Lakers were valued at $584 million by Forbes in 2008, the latest year I could find. That was more than double the value just 9 years before. Their revenue that year was $191,000,000. Even with the recession, they're rolling in money.

Oh, and they're going to pay Kobe Bryant $25,000,000 THIS YEAR ALONE. That's on top of the $24,000,000 they paid this spoiled jerk last year, and in advance of the $27,000,000 he's supposed to make next year.

In 2010, all but two of the players on the Lakers' roster earned over $1,000,000; of the three who didn't earn that, two earned $474,000.

And they voted to give $65,000 to two guys who are unemployed.

Now knowing all that, I think we can see exactly what gesture it is the players made to these two guys -- it involves the middle finger, and the players showing exactly what they think of the lower-level employees who work for their company.

Well, F$#*(# them, I say. Why are they being given any credit? Why is this story being reported as something good? This is no more good than Kobe high-fiving those guys on the way out the door.

Kobe Bryant could pay their entire salaries and not notice the money missing from his account. But he's a hero because he voted to give a miniscule portion of some of the extra money he was offered last year to a few unemployed guys? He takes a helicopter to work, and I'm supposed to applaud him for leaving a small amount of money on the table.

I like sports as much as the next guy. But I think it's time we started actually thinking about what it is we're idolizing, and stopped pretending that every single thing some genetic-lottery winner does is worth kissing his a$# over. You want to cheer for someone when they put forth effort in 40% of their playoff games, that's your prerogative. But the lead on this story should've been "Selfish athletes vote to screw over little people."

Why not have a professional do what they're trained to do?

I'm always pointing out the various professional things that people think they can do by themselves. People do their own taxes, defend themselves in lawsuits, pull out their own teeth...

...well, they probably WOULD, if they could stand the pain.

And people insist on acting as their own real estate agent, even though that's a dumb thing to do, given that there are professional real estate agents who can save you lots of time and winnow out the houses you don't want to see -- narrowing the choices by price and options, and also helping you out by knowing stuff about the community you might live in.

Take Hansen & McCoy, a firm that helps sell Canyon Lake real estate and other real estate, or Lake Elsinore real estate, and around there.

Hansen & McCoy focus on purchasing properties in short sales -- so they can help you whether you're buying or selling, and they know their stuff. They can ease the transition from the current house (which may be unaffordable to you) to a new house, letting you stay in the residence until it sells.

Or they can find you Menifee real estate or Temecula real estate or
Murrieta real estate
.

So many people are trying to sell their own house, or spending their weekends trying to find a house to buy - -when they could call Hansen & McCoy and let someone else (someone who knows) do the work.

I'll just say it: The video made me cry (Autism Works)




This time around:

-- Project Lifesaver may be having problems,

-- the Autism Society of Greater Madison golfs,

-- college for people on the spectrum,

-- and a review of a semi-autism-friendly business,

but first this:





That's from "Lou's Land," and I had to stop watching it halfway through and then watch it in pieces because it hit home, especially the part about "discovering a new normal." I won't take away from Lou's story by telling my own here; I'll just say that I understand exactly what he means and I've bookmarked his blog. You should, too. You can't help someone unless you try to understand what they've going through, and blogs like Lou's can assist you in knowing what it's like to live with autism.

On to happier, more hopeful things, like college for autistic people. The Autism Speaks official blog has a post on helping students on the spectrum achieve in college, pointing out something that I didn't know -- Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act requires that colleges make reasonable accommodations to people with learning disabilities, including (but not limited t0) autism spectrum disorders. The protections and services aren't as aggressive as those for kids in high school and lower (provided under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act [IDEA]) but they're there and may help kids on the spectrum get into and through college. Autism Speaks has some pointers and links for more information, but the school counselors can provide information, as well.

Update on Project Lifesaver: On August 7, I mentioned elopement and wandering and recommended "Project Lifesaver," a program that fits wanderers with GPS-enabled bracelets.

On August 16, we got a letter from the Dane County Sheriff's Office that raised concerns about this program. The letter says the office "has been experiencing significant equipment failures with many of our Project Lifesaver clients" including the "lack of any transmitted signal," which, of course is the whole point of the bracelet. The letter concluded that:

Without reliable and operating equipment in addition to the lack of support from Project Lifesaver International, the program does not meet the standards of the Dane County Sheriff's Office... the Dane County Sheriff's Office will not longer implement the program.
The Dane County Sheriff's Office will try to find a substitute program; if you have a friend or relative on Project Lifesaver, please pass this on to him or her, and don't trust the equipment. (We haven't; Mr F still doesn't get to go outside alone and we keep all our windows and doors double-locked.)

Business Review: We took our kids to get their annual photos -- Sweetie starts planning her Christmas cards around June, and the annual Christmas card photo is usually taken in August. We don't go anywhere fancy -- just to the Sears Photo Studio at the West Towne Mall in Madison, Wisconsin, and they're generally pretty good there.

It's hard to get some kids on the spectrum to sit still for anything, let alone pictures taken by a strange person. When we took the twins for haircuts last spring, for a week before their teachers played "hair cut" with them, telling them social stories about getting hair cut (social stories are stories designed to teach autistic kids social skills) and pretending to cut their hair, and it worked great; the boys sat still during their hair cuts and Mr Bunches actually enjoyed it. (Mr F still cried, but quietly and sitting, instead of hollering and trying to escape like he used to.)

We tried the same thing with pictures -- for two weeks before, each therapy session ended with the therapists posing the boys and taking their picture with our camera, just like a photo studio, and those sessions went well. The actual day of the photos, we had a bit more trouble.

We arrived about 10 minutes early, and had to wait about 15 minutes later than our appointment, which was problematic. While no business can entirely control their schedule, waiting with autistic kids is trouble, because we'd taken the time to have the boys tired out a bit by playing (another strategy the therapists had recommended), but that doesn't work so well if they then rest up.

Mr F was also upset because -- something you never think about until you're with an autistic kid -- we'd walked through the store to get to the studio, and the store was full of clothing hangers, which Mr F likes. I try to discourage him from simply taking a hanger as we walk through the store, so by the time we reached the pictures, he was disgruntled and getting upset.

(The worker didn't mind that we then borrowed a hanger from a nearby department, which helped calm him down.)

Once we actually got the pictures going, the photographer was great -- she followed our instructions on what order to take the pictures in (get the little ones done first) and followed our instructions to just start snapping pictures, not worrying about whether kids were sitting correctly or facing the camera or smiling.

About 10 minutes of photos later, we had some of the best ones yet. So other than making us wait (even though we'd reminded the woman when we made the appointment that the boys were autistic) the trip went reasonably well.

Golf Outing: If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I began volunteering with the Autism Society of Greater Madison (ASGM) last night; my first volunteer effort was helping out at their annual golf outing, "Golf FORE Autism" at the George Vitense Golfland:



I was there from 6-8:30 p.m., helping people navigate the mini-golf course and then helping move tables around. Several area businesses including NBC 15 sent teams out to play in the par-3 midnight golf outing, and while I had to leave before the night was over, it seemed like everyone was having a great time.

ASGM is the oldest autism chapter in the country, and chaired by David George of NBC 15; if you are interested in the many events they sponsor or are looking for help beginning to navigate the world of autism, go to their site.


Autism Works is an across-all-my-blogs post that attempts to spread information about resources, businesses, apps, and other things of interest to people who have autism or have a relative who is autistic. If you have information to share, leave a comment or Email me ; please put "autism works" in the subject line.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

All of these dogs' teams will do better than mine.

Probably because they don't reflexively pick nothing but Toronto Bills' players and Brett Favre:




Image courtesy of The Chive.

Merrill Hoge, Restaurant Critic? "It wouldn't surprise me if this restaurant had the best chicken ever." (Quotent Quotables)


"Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus."

-- Daniel Tosh.

I'm not sure I get that. But with Tebow in the news for saying that Jesus is going to strike down Kyle Orton or something, I thought it was topical.

Actually what happened was that Merrill Hoge, whose job it is to say controversial things in order to keep ratings up, regardless of whether he's right or not (Colin Cowherd frequently tells listeners to his show that he views being entertaining as being more important than being right, so keep that in mind, ESPN fans), insulted Tim Tebow's mechanics, resulting in LeBron James leaping to Tebow's defense (LeBron knows a little bit about success, after all, and has vowed to only get within shouting distance of it) and somehow a guy wearing a Jesus jersey got mixed up in it, and then Tebow got criticized for saying he felt like he'd had the starting job and then got it taken away, making people like me wonder why it is that Tebow is such a lightning rod for controversy.

Heck, one guy even requested a restraining order against Tebow -- lumping Tebow in with Obama and Jesus as the people he needed protection from:

John D. Gilliand explained in Alachua County court records that he felt threatened by Tebow, Obama and Jesus. "I was trespassed from the Kangaroo Gas Station on University for saying T-Bo sucks," Gilliand wrote in the petition for injunction for protection against repeat violence against Tebow. "I personally hate any type of exercise although I feel Billy Blanks has a wonderful video."

Gilliand makes reference to Tebow, Obama and Jesus as part of gangs or making gang symbols at him. He states in all three that he is not a Gator and never went to Florida.

Let's make this clear: Tebow is controversial because he's upfront about his religion, instead of just thinking things quietly the way deeply religious footballers like Kurt Warner did in the past, and that's why he's attracting extra attention - -not because he's unorthodox in his play, but because in America, we have separation of church and football, except when we don't. It's okay for the Giants to pray for Norwood's kick to go wide right even though at the time we were in a war in Iraq and maybe they should've had a sense of priorities, it's okay for the Toronto Sleeping Pills' receiver to blame God for making him drop a pass, but when a guy on the Broncos says he thinks believing in Jesus makes him a better person and better player, people go all nuts, because it's one thing to believe in Jesus when you really need that field goal, but it's another thing entirely to, you know, believe in Jesus.

Believing in Jesus for reals is incredibly controversial in America, where most people express some vague religion but we're uncomfortable with people whose religion moves beyond fortune-cookie platitudes. And Tebow is upfront about his religious beliefs. Not in an in-your-face way; just in a polite, "Hey, I believe what I believe" way that even Jim Gaffigan and the Pope might find acceptable:



...but which most people in America are still bothered by, because religion bothers most people when it's done in a sincere way. And that makes Tim Tebow attract all that attention, which makes it obvious why Merrill Hoge chose to talk about Tebow as opposed to say, Joe Flacco, another overrated quarterback whose play is far below what people expect of him: Tebow attracts controversy, and Hoge (and other ESPN personalities) are attracted to controversy like GOP presidential candidates are attracted to corn dogs.

Hoge wasn't doing sports reporting; he was doing sports paparazzi-ing, and you should take him, and every other ESPN commentator, with the same level of seriousness that you do those "reporters" on TMZ: they're there to stir up controversy (in a player-friendly way) and not to do real analysis.

Which is fine, because sports don't need real analysis. They're sports, one of the lowest rungs of entertainment. Restaurant critics have the exact same societal value as sports analysts, and I'd rather get my sports views from Tosh. He's got the same chance of being right as Hoge, but he doesn't just pick out people to be controversial.

(And, while I'm at it, I'd rather have Tebow than Sanchez; either one's going to miss on the important throws, but Tebow's less likely to embroil your team in a statutory rape controversy at playoff time. Why isn't that controversial? and why isn't Hoge writing about that? Because picking on the Jets and Sanchez isn't allowed at ESPN, which'll down Jesus but finds sleeping with 17-year-olds perfectly acceptable.)

Tosh on other sports:

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The (Mostly Hypothetical) NFL Preview: San Diego Chargers.


The Team: San Diego Chargers.

Quick Recap: So they've got Norv Turner, and Philip Rivers, which means they're not going to win any games of consequence. I also saw that they got rid of Shawne Merriman, something I only realized because I saw that Shawne Merriman now plays for the Toronto Bills.

Beyond that, I know really nothing about the San Diego Chargers, and that's more or less the way it should be. They're the backwaters of the NFL now, aren't they, ever since they dumped Marty Schottenheimer all because he couldn't win a big game, in favor of Norv Turner, who can't even win a medium-sized game. In fact, if there's one thing the Chargers should be known for beyond being the West Coast Bills -- like the Toronto Bills, they are simply there, neither terrible nor great, but they have a better record than Toronto because they benefit from a weak division -- it's giving up on great to get well, I guess so: Eli Manning was traded for Shawne Merriman, Nate Kaeding and Philip Rivers, and Drew Brees was sent packing for Philip Rivers, too, so they've invested a lot of effort in a quarterback who ranks, if you ask me, 32nd in the NFL.

But apparently, that's okay with San Diegans, who probably assume that since they're living in paradise already, they don't need to get much from their football team. It's different for people who live up North; we've got nothing but 9 months of freezing temperatures and sleet and snow, and having a team in the playoffs is often the only thing we've got to look forward to in January.

If you live in a warm climate, your team should start out with two losses on their record to even things out.

If you're not careful, you might confuse them with:


The Chargers -- the band. You don't have to be all that careful -- googling Chargers will get you mostly the San Diego Chargers, and even if you know the band The Chargers it may not help -- go to Youtube and search for The Chargers band and you'll get page upon page of marching bands.

Go to Youtube and search by name for a song by The Chargers, say, "That Night" which is the leadoff song on their Myspace page, and you still don't find them.

But you do find a link to the "Pearl City Lady Chargers." Pearl City is a city in Hawaii, so it seems that Chargers is the name of choice for cities that have so much else going for them, they don't even need a good sports team.

I then wondered if that last fact was a scientific fact, or merely a "scientific" fact, so I went and tried to find a list of all the teams that were nicknamed the Chargers, and found this page, labeled "Charger Fans' Nicknames."

That's a list of nicknames Chargers Fans have, right? Grammatically, that's what it looks like. But Chargers fans do not care about grammar any more than they care about meaningful wins, and so it's actually a page of nicknames Chargers fans give other teams.

They call the Toronto Bills the "Jills," or the "Sleeping Pills," which is actually pretty good: The Toronto Sleeping Pills. I like that.

They also nicknamed one Chargers player "Tony "Orlando and Dawn" Martin". I like that, too. Charger fans, you're okay.

Oh, and that band, The Chargers? They're only okay, too -- just like the San Diego Chargers, nobody pays much attention to them, it seems.

What's A-Twitter With This Team?
Tweeting Athletes lists 27 Chargers players posting to Twitter -- but it was taking forever to load, so I moved on. That Chargers Fans attitude (eh, who cares?) is infectious.

Which Romantic Comedy character will the Chargers most resemble this year?

Pregnant Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan. Don't bother worrying about whether this character had a name; sometimes, with vanity projects like this and Mission Impossible: 3, the point isn't so much to have a character as it is to make a point about the person starring in the movie.

That's why MI:3 should have been subtitled Isn't Tom Cruise a fantastic husband? The entire point of the movie is Tom Cruise rescuing an actress who looks exactly like Katie Holmes, after all.

Similarly, The Back-Up Plan (which Sweetie and I actually stopped watching just before Lopez seemed about to eat goat food soup in the movie) had as it's point proving that Jennifer Lopez could have it all -- twins and a hot guy and some sort of micro-farm that generated enough from sales of cheese at a farmer's market to make it obvious that the farm was a front for insider trading or a drug operation.

Overall, though, nobody cared -- just as I don't care enough to look up her character's name, and didn't care enough to watch the rest of the movie, nobody cared what happened to Lopez's character in that movie because the so-called "problems" of the ridiculously overprivileged are not problems at all, and they don't drive a plot forward. They just exist, waiting for money to solve them. So Jennifer Lopez's problem -- she's insanely well-off and able to simply get pregnant the first time around with in vitro treatment, and only then meets a hot guy -- isn't a problem at all. She'll be able to (as in real life) afford nannies and go back to work, and there are plenty of guys out there who won't mind that they're not the biological father of the first two kids, especially if they get to sleep with Jennifer Lopez.

That's your Chargers: not really a problem at all, and not really worth caring about this year. They'll just exist.



Don't you love that ad! Men! They just can't handle babies! And women are so competent! and Beautiful! Now you know where talentless hack Rachel In The OC gets her material, when she's not recycling old According to Jim episodes.

That spot actually aired during the Super Bowl, which makes it fitting, as that's the closest the Jennifer Lopez of the NFL will get to that game, ever.

Oh, and I got around to looking at that Twitter page. Here's what Takeo Spikes has on his mind:


TakeoSpikes51 This dude is crazy sitting in a bathtub w/over 100 snakes. If it was me, you would think that tub was a chocolate Latté machine. Lol #scared

Charming.

************************************************************************
Previously on (Mostly Hypothetical) Previews:

Washington Redskins
Tennessee Titans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seattle Seahawks
San Francisco 49ers

Detroit Lions.
Got a team you want to preview? Got a book or movie or other thing you want to hype? I love guest-posters, and I'll print your post if it's good and give you free hype. Email me and include NC! in the subject line.

Zoloft lawsuit asks whether you've been harmed by medication.

A new zoloft lawsuit is raising some serious questions about the use of the drug.

Zoloft, typically used for depression, OCD, panic and anxiety disorders, and even PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) has had more than $1 billion in sales in the United States. But as far back as 1996, the FDA warned Pfizer, Zoloft's maker, about selling Zoloft outside of approved uses. By 2004, more lawsuits were filed arguing that Pfizer had failed to properly disclose potential side effects.

There are people who suggest that Zoloft's side effects can be extremely harmful; the website that link goes to above notes that Zoloft may result in "Akathisia," or extreme moodiness, which might rise to violent behavior.

If you or someone you know has taken or is taking Zoloft, you should contact a medical professional to discuss potential side effects. And if you think you've been negatively affected, you should contact qualified legal counsel.



Monday, August 15, 2011

We need fewer photos of golfers, and more of golfers' (potentially hot?) girlfriends. (Quotent Quotables)



If you know me*

*You don't, and you shouldn't. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie, a rebel.**
Then you know that I have long railed against the Kerriganization of our sports world -- the celebration of not-quite-winning, i.e., losing, that is represented by the Silver Medal, or worse. I'm not sure when it started -- probably when everyone began treating beating the Soviet Union en route to the Gold Medal as, somehow, bigger than actually winning the Gold Medal that year -- but it's in full force in America (where we previously said we didn't deserve to beat even France,) and getting worse, as represented by Jason Dufner's near-win in the PGA Championship this past weekend -- and as further demonstrated by Dufner's explanation of why he didn't win and didn't care:

I love playing golf, love competition and I want to be as good as I can be. If that's 20th in the world with no majors, or first in the world with 10 majors or never winning a tour event, I'll be fine with it. Coming from where I came from to being in this position, it's a dream come true.


(Source, but don't go there unless you want to see an article beginning with an annoying Dr Seuss reference and follow through with a terribly boring recap of actual golf holes. Turns out the only thing worse than watching golf is reading about someone else watching golf.)

So Jason Dufner is okay with never winning a tour event, which may be news to his sponsors, who were probably hoping he'd at least try, once, in a while.

Look, I'm no fan of the win-at-all-costs school of thought, but we need to balance things out here. We already decided that second-best in economics/sanity is good enough for our House of Representatives and our Republican candidates for president; do we have to have professional athletes who just don't care, too?

The other great quote in that article comes from Dufner's girlfriend (does it seem fair that golfers get girlfriends? I agree: No.), Amanda Boyd, who agreed that Dufner never seems to get excited about golf but does get excited about Auburn football, but said:

That's true... But I can get him worked up, too.
I wasn't able to find a shot of Amanda Boyd. That picture on the post is not her -- it's Miranda Cooper, who was sitting and minding her own business watching golf when Dufner's shot at the Quail Hollow Championship landed in her lap.





** Here's where that's from:




Saturday, August 13, 2011

Way to give your fans hope, Buffalo!


Hot on the heels of the Toronto Bills' decision to blow off the NFL season entirely by trading the most talented person on their roster for a guy they'll cut in week 2 next year comes this disturbing Tweet from the official Bills' Twitter feed:

QBs Brad Smith and Joshua Nesbitt will see action under center tonight. Smith will also return kicks along w/ Da'Norris Searcy

You may wonder, if you are a football fan, what a quarterback -- even one as generically-named as Brad Smith is -- is doing returning kicks -- but that's because you are not privy to the genius mind of Coach?/Arby's Assistant Manager Chan Gailey, who saw in QB Brad Smith lots of potential.

Brad Smith, you see, played quarterback in college, but was then made a wide receiver by the Jets when he was drafted. The Jets know a thing or two about personnel -- or so you'd assume by the fact that they've made it deep into the playoffs two years running.

But Chan knows a thing or two, as well -- or so Buffalo fans are praying, because who wants to get a passport out everytime you go watch your "home" team play? Says Chan:

“I see him being used in a similar role as I used Kordell Stewart in Pittsburgh. He can play some receiver and quarterback. He gives you a lot of versatility. He can play special teams, cover kicks and return kicks.”

As I said: genius. You can't go wrong modeling your team after the Kordell-era Steelers -- the team Chan was an offensive coordinator for, helping them to an 11-5 record and the AFC championship game. Of course, that team had Jerome Bettis at running back and Yancey Thigpen at wide receiver. So, um, there's that.

Overall, though, if Smith plays quarterback, and on special teams, he saves you at least 3, maybe 4 roster spaces. That's that many fewer lockers to pack up and move across the border in the middle of the night. Ralph Wilson is always conscious of the bottom line.

Friday, August 12, 2011

That is the FASTEST anyone has ever given up on a season.


Who's the hot prospect in college football that everyone will want to draft number one next year? I only ask because the Buffalo Bills have set their sights on him by trading away the best player on their roster in exchange for... I don't know. Lunch?

From Buffalo News.com:

The Buffalo Bills traded their highest paid player today by sending receiver Lee Evans to the Baltimore Ravens in exchange for a draft pick.

The move comes after days of speculation that the Bills were fielding offers for Evans. The draft pick is a fourth-rounder, according to ESPN.

Bills' sports writers, not wanting to admit that they'll have to transfer to Toronto in a year or two if they want to live in the same city as the team they cover, are claiming it's a good idea:

Receiver is perhaps the deepest position on the Bills team. ... The deal leaves Stevie Johnson as the Bills' No. 1 wideout. Roscoe Parrish and David Nelson are next on the depth chart and usually play out of the slot positions. Nelson can play on the outside, as well. The Bills added former first-round pick Buster Davis last week. He was signed after being released by San Diego. The Bills have high hopes for big fourth-round pick Marcus Easley, who missed all of his rookie year last season to injury. Second-year man Donald Jones is a lock to make the team. He can play outside as well. The deal helps the bid of Buffalo's Naaman Roosevelt to make the team. Roosevelt was called up to the 53-man roster the latter part of last season and has looked good in camp.

Sounds deep to me. Let's see: guy who was injured before he ever played, guy who was cut by San Diego, guy who couldn't make the team last year. We're set.

Just to put this in perspective: Lee Evans was the best wide receiver on the Bills for a long time, including last year ... and he didn't rank in the top 50 receivers overall... in the AFC, even.

So how bad are the guys behind him?

And the Bills, with Evans, ranked 12th in the AFC in receiving yards last year, and 9th in receiving touchdowns. Do you really think they got better by doling out the best player on their roster?

Apparently, hiring Chan Gailey to work part time as the Bills' coach when he's not supervising at Arby's wasn't enough to sink the team down low enough that the owner can move them to Canada. But don't fret, Ralph Wilson -- if this doesn't do it, you could always just start randomly assaulting the fans who still bother to show up hoping the Bills will win a game.

Here's what Buffalo will no longer be seeing, and what Ravens fans would see if Joe Flacco hadn't gotten his job by default:





And here, for good measure, is a guy named Lee Evans who apparently is a comedian. I'm not 100% sure but he kind of looks like the pizza delivery guy from There's Something About Mary:







Thursday, August 11, 2011

Aaron Rodgers still doesn't like Mike McCarthy

It's no secret that The Anointed One in Green Bay doesn't like Mike McCarthy -- but he also doesn't like practice, or being told that he has to actually do that.

After Coach McCarthy -- who won my grudging respect by actually coaching well in the playoffs and Super Bowl -- took his Green & Gold Defending Champs to task for sloppy practice, A-Rodg had this to say:







The media, because they love The Anointed (but Disappointingly Mediocre In The Second Halves Of Big Games) One, is playing this off as an homage to famed troublemaker Allen Iverson's rant. Which just goes to show: if they like you, what you do is great/funny. If they don't like you -- as when Brett Favre hated practice, what you do is selfish and prima donna.


Other things Aaron Rodgers doesn't like:

Christina Aguilera


Jessica Szohr

Justin Timberlake


Cancer survivors


The truth


Injured reserve players

His special teams players


All his other teammates

Brett Favre, Mike McCarthy, and Clay Matthews

The Packers uniforms, (and their throwback uniforms).

Forget Kevin Bacon; you're never more than FIVE steps from Darth Vader. (Thursday's Sporting List)



Earlier this week, I watched in semi-fascination ('cause that's a real emotion) as Nick Barnett, the Buffalo Bills' new all-pro linebacker (and a man who managed to go from the whitest city in the NFL to the second-whitest, helping further Packers' fans' dreams of someday fielding an all-white team, so that they won't have to see any more articles like this one be written) started himself a little controversy by deciding his nickname this year would be "50 Cal":
Ok I came up with my name there will be shirts soon!!! Nick "50 Cal" Barnett like!?

Many people didn't like!? and said so in responses ranging from philosophical:
: dude, a nickname should be given not made up. just my thoughts.”---define yourself don't let others define you!!
Which, philosophically speaking, is inconsistent: if you define yourself, you should give yourself a nickname; letting others nickname you is letting them define you. (Take that, Sartre!)

To the not quite as philosophical:
: why is everyone shitting on stop sippin haterade everyone”---tell em homie lol
Nick settled it all with this bit of self-definition:

Mango key-lime cheesecake baby holla!!! Lol

Which I think is what Nick finally settled on for his nickname. So with that, Nick "Mango Key-lime Cheesecake Baby Holla" Barnett got me thinking about what might be other lame nicknames for sports figures, and I've now turned that into this list of

Other Lame Nicknames For Sports Figures:
___________________________________


1. Chester "The Molester" Taylor, running back for the Minnesota Vikings. Seriously, Chester Taylor's nickname as a Vikings RB was "The Molester." He's the only athlete I know to share a nickname with a Hustler comic strip written by an actual child molester. Apparently, the nickname came about because he would "molest" the end zone, but really? There was no better way to say Chester Taylor was good at getting into the end zone?

I'm almost reluctant to go on after that one, because what could be lamer? People had a problem with Nick Barnett being named after a gun, but could openly call someone a molester?

But there are other ones, almost as bad, like:

2. Nate "The Kitchen" Newton, offensive guard for the Cowboys and Panthers. Nate came into the league in 1986, or a year after "The Refrigerator," and I can only assume (because the one article I read didn't explain) that Nate was The Kitchen because (a) he was bigger than William Perry, and (b) sports people are clever like female athletes are hot: only in comparison to others in their sector of life.

3. Peyton "Laser Rocket Arm" Manning. Okay, this one was listed on the Wikipedia page for sports' nicknames, but has anyone ever called Peyton Manning anything other than "Peyton Manning?" (Except for Sweetie, who calls him "Peytie"?) Since I've never heard of this so-called nickname, I went to check it out and so I googled "Laser Rocket Arm" and found this blog, which was moved to Wordpress and deleted, so if you coveted the domain name "laserrocketarm.wordpress.com" it's all yours.

You know what domain name is not available? www.laserrocketarm.com. Click that link. You won't be disappointed.

Did you click it? Weird, right? And yet, I bet you're not disappointed. I wasn't. I'm mystified. But already thinking up a backstory for that site.

None of the backstory, by the way, involves actually believing that anyone anywhere has ever called Peyton Manning "Laser Rocket Arm", no matter how hard Peyton tried to get them to do that. (Don't define yourself, Peytie!) It doesn't even work as a nickname. "Hey, here comes Laser Rocket Arm!" Lame. It's like the kind of superhero I'd have invented. When I was 7. "I get to be Laser Rocket Arm!"

4. Ted "The Mad Stork" Hendricks, defensive end. Got to be a story behind this nickname, right?

Wrong. It's just because Ted was so tall. Like a stork is tall. So he was tall and they nicknamed him The Mad Stork.

I went looking for a chart of the relative heights of animals to see what animals might be both tall and fearsome and could have thus served as better nicknames, but I got distracted by this:



I don't know what that chart is supposed to represent, but it's measuring, on one column, velocity of something, and the other column the height of something, and it specially mentions the "shark head model" and so I decided to assume that somewhere, scientists had the job of testing a robot shark head jumping out of the water to attack people, and now I... want... that... job.

"What'd you do today, honey?" Sweetie would ask.

"Oh, tested some robot shark heads." I'd answer, and life would be good.

(I went and checked out where that chart came from, after the fact, and the truth is almost as good: Scientists wanted to check on how well sharks feed, and the study includes this actual quote:

We constructed two three-dimensional models [including]...a realistic shark head to determine the additional effect of the head morphology. To test these models, we used digital particle velocimetry (DPIV) to record fluid flow around the mouth of bamboo sharks during suction feeding on the substrate and in the water column.

If I'd known, back in school, that paying attention to Mr Hassemer rambling on about blood grooves would have led me to a job where I made shark-head models, I might well have... no, I wouldn't have, I guess. But a man can dream, can't he?*

* He can. It's in the Constitution.
5. Lester "The Molester" Hayes. Cornerback. I just stumbled across this one on that Wikipedia page. (I'd make fun of Wikipedia, but lists of nicknames is exactly the kind of thing that should be searched on Wikipedia, because it doesn't matter if people wrongly believe that someone was called Laser Rocket Arm when he clearly wasn't, but it does matter if potential presidential candidates are dead wrong on history but then get their followers to try to change Wikipedia so that all you stupid voters out there will continue trashing our economic best interests by electing morons.)

Honestly, I don't even know what to say. How did this nickname slip by twice? Is there some cross-section of NFL fans who are also pedophiles? Because I am never going to a sports bar again, now.

Let's wreck something else, too: Lester The Molester was not only known as The Molester, but he also was known as The Judge, for no reason whatsoever. And Lester The Molester was, it now appears, the progenitor of all Western Society's culture.

Longtime readers know that I've come to the irrefutable conclusion that all of Western culture (such as it is) is now based solely on Star Wars. I've often wondered how that came about, that we were reduced to only ever referencing Star Wars, and now I've found the answer:

Lester Hayes referred to himself, prior to the Super Bowl, as "the one true Jedi" in the NFL
. (Clicking the link will take you to an NFL film referencing Hayes' Jedi status, and also showing this "feared bump-and-run" guy blatantly holding receivers.)

There you have it: Take America's most popular pasttime, and combine it with the greatest movie ever made, and in one comment, Lester The Molester destroyed Western civilization. From here on out, when you see something reduced to Star Wars-this-or-that, it's because of Lester The Molester.

And that's the second most disturbing Star Wars reference you'll be subjected to today. The first is this:





Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The (Mostly Hypothetical) NFL Preview: Detroit Lions

Today's preview is a guest post, written by blogger/author Rogue Mutt; Rogue blogs about (mostly) writing at Every Other Writer Has A Blog ... Why Can't I? and has written many books, available on Amazon. He's also a sports fan, although I use "sports" loosely in that phrase, because the sports teams Rogue chooses to root for are from Detroit. Take it away, Rogue!
___________________________________________________

The Team: Detroit Lions.

Quick Recap: Because I have the misfortune of living in the Detroit area and thus watch Lions games, I was asked to write the season preview for them.

You can sum it all up by saying: this is the team that went 0-16 3 years ago. That’s right, ZERO and sixteen. They’re the only non-expansion team to not win a game in NFL history. Which also makes them the most successful failure of all time, so they have that going for them.

Now the “experts” who inexplicably make hundreds of thousands to make predictions that rarely ever come true unless they’re blindingly obvious will pick the Lions as their “sleeper” team to go 13-3 or 12-4 or something like that and win their division and get to the playoffs. This is because the “experts” like to sound smart by throwing around words like “parity” and pretend to know things you don’t. In a league where most every team is equally mediocre, the Lions have to have a shot, right? Right?

No, because this is still the team that went 0-16 three years ago. Parity can’t level the playing field that much. Let’s be more realistic and predict 7-9 at best.

But if there is cause for hope it’s because last year they closed the season by winning 4 straight games. That was their longest winning streak since Clinton was soiling Lewinsky’s dresses in the Oval Office, people were hailing James Cameron as a genius for “Titanic,” and we all talked ourselves into not thinking that McGwire and Sosa were doping. (I have no actual idea when was the last time the Lions won 4 in a row but it feels like that long ago, so I’m going with it.)

The most notable thing about that 4 game winning streak is that they won with a combination of something called Shaun Hill and Drew Stanton at quarterback. No one except Shaun Hill’s mom would recognize him and Drew Stanton was so far down the bench people at games thought he was a tailgating fan wearing a customized jersey.

That brings me to the biggest reason why the Lions have won 1 playoff game since 1957. Since their 1 playoff win in 1991, they’ve started this group of Hall of Famers at quarterback:

• Erik Kramer
• Rodney Peete
• Andre Ware
• Scott Mitchell
• Dave Krieg
• Don Majkowski
• Frank Reich
• Harry Woodyard
• Charlie Batch
• Gus Frerotte
• Mike Tomczak
• Tim Cooper
• Mike McMahon
• Joey Harrington
• Ty Detmer
• Jeff Garcia
• Jon Kitna
• Frank Hemsky
• Daunte Culpepper
• JT O’Sullivan
• Dan Orlovsky
• Drew Stanton
• Henry Barton
• Matthew Stafford
• Shaun Hill

Just for fun I inserted the names of four fictional characters in there. Can you pick them out from the names of actual Lions quarterbacks? (Answers at the end of the article!)

The only list more pathetic is to go through the starters for the Cleveland Browns 2.0. It’s especially sad when you think since 1992 the Packers have had what, 3 starters? Four? (Favre, Rodgers, and then did Flynn start one and maybe one other guy?) Since 1998 the Colts have had 1 starter and since 2002 the Patriots have had 2 starters. And they have six Super Bowls between them since 1996.

This year the Lions are turning the ball back over to Stafford, who’s been in and out of the hospital so much he’s probably eligible for a free vasectomy by now. What this really means is that whoever is the “backup” is going to get eight to ten starts, until he gets hurt and then it’s the backup’s backup followed by the backup’s backup’s backup until it becomes an old Three Stooges sketch.

Now the “experts” will point to their defense and say that’s where they’re going to win because “defense wins championships” right? (Also, videotaping the other team’s practices.) The “experts” will point to the defensive line with Rookie of the Year N-whatever Suh and this Fairley guy they drafted in the first round. Except thanks to the lockout Fairley’s probably been sitting around since April eating Twinkies.

After that killer defensive line, what is there? Short answer: nothing. I could go find player names, but that would be a waste of time because you won’t have heard of any of them. If I inserted my mom’s name in that list would you even notice? Heck, if my mom said she was suiting up at linebacker I wouldn’t be a bit surprised because their lineup is that weak. They apparently cut Julian Peterson, who was the only linebacker I remember. For all I know they could be starting Rudy at inside linebacker.

Not to get too deep into football analysis here, but if you want to beat this team, I’d say just screen pass every single play. Dump it off to a running back or fullback before the defensive line can get you because with the troupe of no-names behind that line, you can probably run all day on them.

Perhaps the most serious problem plaguing the Lions is that they still don’t have a cheerleading squad. Come on, Fox Sports Net is using bimbos to advertise Tigers games and you can’t hire a few girls to wear skimpy outfits and jump around with pom-poms? It’s not like it’d even cost much; just go down 8 Mile and pick up a few strippers.

[NOTE: Rogue may want to re-think that advice. Here's the #1 result on an image search for "Detroit Strippers."



Frankly, I'd rather see Drew Stanton in a thong. And I don't even know who he is.]

Also, the Lions have the worst fight song perhaps in football history. I’m not sure there’s a clip of it—I hope not. Hearing it certainly wouldn’t make me want to score a touchdown.

[NOTE: Here is the song:





And Rogue's right.]

Which Romantic Comedy Character Will the Lions most resemble this year?

Now then, I’m supposed to compare them to a romantic movie character. I haven’t really watched any ‘80s John Hughes other than “Ferris Bueller” and “Breakfast Club,” so let’s go outside the box a little with my favorite comedy about Star Trek geeks: 1998’s “Free Enterprise.”

In the movie is a character named Schweiger, who’s a nerd working as a low-budget film editor. He laments in the movie that he’s paid $2,000 to Great Encounters to find a woman and still hasn’t got to first base yet.




That pretty much sums up the Lions for the last 20 years. They’ve paid millions (maybe even a billion by now) in free agents and draft picks and haven’t gotten to second base. By the end of the movie Schweiger still hasn’t got any action, and I don’t think the Lions will be getting any this year either.

So now you’re Lions Ready, which is their slogan. Like most things concerning the Lions it makes no sense.

*The fictional Lions quarterbacks on my list: Harry Woodyard, Tim Cooper, Frank Hemsky, and Henry Barton.
______________________________________________________________

I have nothing to add to that. It was brilliant. Read more of Rogue's work by picking up his books on Amazon. Start with Where You Belong:

Frost Devereaux's odyssey of self-discovery spans three decades and takes him to every corner of America. Guiding him along his journey are the twin loves of his life: Frankie & Frank Maguire. Through his tempestuous relationships with them, he learns who he is and where he belongs.

Rated an average of 4 1/2 stars on Amazon, you'll love this book.



_______________

Previously on (Mostly Hypothetical) Previews:


Washington Redskins
Tennessee Titans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seattle Seahawks
San Francisco 49ers

Got a team you want to preview? Got a book or movie or other thing you want to hype? I love guest-posters, and I'll print your post if it's good and give you free hype. Email me and include NC! in the subject line.

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