Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The (Mostly Hypothetical) NFL Preview: San Francisco 49ers. (Now with 25% more information!)



The Team: San Francisco 49ers.

Quick Recap: I'm not sure why I know anything about the 49ers, but I feel like I do, so here goes. I'm pretty sure they're QB is Alex Smith, but I'm also pretty sure they have that former Ohio State QB on their roster too -- I can't think of his name, but he's not the one who left in mock disgrace; I'm talking about the one who got laryngitis and lost the starting position for the Ravens -- so you Baltimore fans who think Joe Flacco will take the Ravens to the Super Bowl? He only has his job because Troy Smith -- that's his name! -- didn't know about gargling lemon tea.

Beyond that, I also know that San Francisco was in contention for a playoff spot last year, and that they have a workmanlike running back who I think everyone considers to be a little underrated in Frank Gore, and that they've followed in the footsteps of teams like the Jets, who assume that NFL coaching is somehow transmitted genetically, and so they signed a Harbaugh as a coach. Unless they're following the new pattern in the NFC West of hiring Pac-10 coaches. Or they're following both - -because not only is the Harbaugh clan sort of a small-time dynasty in the NFL (the Clintons to the Ryans' Bushes) but Harbaugh also came directly from Stanford, the way Bill Walsh did, all those years ago.

Legend has it, in fact, that this season, Jim Harbaugh as the One True Heir of the Stanford Blood Line is going to cause the Sword of Anduril, whose shards Bill Walsh had buried under the 50-yard-line at Is It Named Anything Anymore? Park, and have it reforged in the fires of Vernon Davis' temper, and lead the 49ers to victory this year.

Legend is probably wrong, though. As we'll see below.

What's a-Twitter with this team? This is the 25% more information you were promised at that headline. There's a website called "Tweeting Athletes" which, suprise! is a directory of Tweeting Athletes! And not just that -- but you can follow them by team!

The 49ers Twitter feed there has these highlights: (all quotes sic'ed.)

CJSpillman27, while being "Up and ready to get going today in the meeting room!" and also being "Focused" -- don't doubt him because he noted "and I mean focused!" is also wondering whether the team still has any fans: "#ninernation where ya at!"?

Don't worry, CJSpillman27: I found Niner Nation. It's mostly comprised of Ryan RY1T, who is a fan of the 49ers, and also the Orlando Magic, and who recently tweeted this:

Ayce ayce ayce ayce
I don't know what that means.

Also, thanks to CJSpillman27, I learned this:

SOTL stands for school of the legends go online and check the site out! It's twitter for athletes but more interactive!

So I went there to find out what it is. But I had to sign up to find out more about it, and I'm tired of signing up for things. I have 10,000,000,000 screen names and passwords and IDs and PINS and last night I couldn't remember my password for my cell phone tech support line and had to wait 30 minutes on the phone to reset it -- at which point they asked me my cell phone password, so I'm afraid that if I sign up for SOTL, I'll knock something useful out of my brain and will forget Sweetie's real name or something.



If you're not careful you might accidentally confuse them with:

This guy:


That's a horse named "Forty-niner" and he's something of the Nancy Kerrigan of the Kentucky Derby -- a horse renowned for being good even though he finished second in the biggest race of his career, the 1988 Kentucky Derby. Raised with high hopes, Forty-Niner got a bad starting position in the Derby, then finished 7th in the Preakness after running earlier that day, didn't compete in the Belmont that year, and things went downhill from there.

Fun (?) Fact: Forty-Niner is the grandfather of a later Kentucky Derby winner, Funny Cide. Which suddenly makes me think this could be a movie -- the story of a horse who wanted to be a winner, but never quite made it -- and then in his old age, sees a chance to get his grandson to complete the job and restore the family name, only he has to convince his slacker grandson to do it.

I'm thinking kind of a cross between The Godfather, Seabiscuit, and The Zookeeper. If we can get Christopher Walken to play the nefarious trainer -- and I'm pretty sure we can - -then this movie is golden.

Which Romantic Comedy Character Will The 49ers be like this year?


Jim Halpert.

Okay, first off, The Office, for the entire duration of the show prior to Jim and Pam's wedding, was simply a romantic comedy in a different hat; yeah, there was awkwardness and all that, but consider The Office's first couple seasons in comparison to a regular rom-com: All the focus was on Jim and Pam and will they/won't they, with the office mates serving primarily as the wacky friends/bosses who populate those movies.

So The Office was mostly a romantic, not a workplace, comedy.

And secondly, the 49ers will again be Jim Halpert this year: a guy with lots of potential and fan interest, but who never really amounts to anything. Jim was once a rising star -- up for management positions, then a co-manager, and possibly in the later years I haven't seen yet up for more promotions, too.

But he's still a salesman. Maybe a good salesman, and maybe interesting, but he's still just... there.



That's your 49ers for you: lots of potential, but in the end, just playing tricks on Dwight and biding time 'til the end of the season.


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