Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The (Mostly Hypothetical) NFL Preview: San Diego Chargers.

The Team: San Diego Chargers.

Quick Recap: So they've got Norv Turner, and Philip Rivers, which means they're not going to win any games of consequence. I also saw that they got rid of Shawne Merriman, something I only realized because I saw that Shawne Merriman now plays for the Toronto Bills.

Beyond that, I know really nothing about the San Diego Chargers, and that's more or less the way it should be. They're the backwaters of the NFL now, aren't they, ever since they dumped Marty Schottenheimer all because he couldn't win a big game, in favor of Norv Turner, who can't even win a medium-sized game. In fact, if there's one thing the Chargers should be known for beyond being the West Coast Bills -- like the Toronto Bills, they are simply there, neither terrible nor great, but they have a better record than Toronto because they benefit from a weak division -- it's giving up on great to get well, I guess so: Eli Manning was traded for Shawne Merriman, Nate Kaeding and Philip Rivers, and Drew Brees was sent packing for Philip Rivers, too, so they've invested a lot of effort in a quarterback who ranks, if you ask me, 32nd in the NFL.

But apparently, that's okay with San Diegans, who probably assume that since they're living in paradise already, they don't need to get much from their football team. It's different for people who live up North; we've got nothing but 9 months of freezing temperatures and sleet and snow, and having a team in the playoffs is often the only thing we've got to look forward to in January.

If you live in a warm climate, your team should start out with two losses on their record to even things out.

If you're not careful, you might confuse them with:

The Chargers -- the band. You don't have to be all that careful -- googling Chargers will get you mostly the San Diego Chargers, and even if you know the band The Chargers it may not help -- go to Youtube and search for The Chargers band and you'll get page upon page of marching bands.

Go to Youtube and search by name for a song by The Chargers, say, "That Night" which is the leadoff song on their Myspace page, and you still don't find them.

But you do find a link to the "Pearl City Lady Chargers." Pearl City is a city in Hawaii, so it seems that Chargers is the name of choice for cities that have so much else going for them, they don't even need a good sports team.

I then wondered if that last fact was a scientific fact, or merely a "scientific" fact, so I went and tried to find a list of all the teams that were nicknamed the Chargers, and found this page, labeled "Charger Fans' Nicknames."

That's a list of nicknames Chargers Fans have, right? Grammatically, that's what it looks like. But Chargers fans do not care about grammar any more than they care about meaningful wins, and so it's actually a page of nicknames Chargers fans give other teams.

They call the Toronto Bills the "Jills," or the "Sleeping Pills," which is actually pretty good: The Toronto Sleeping Pills. I like that.

They also nicknamed one Chargers player "Tony "Orlando and Dawn" Martin". I like that, too. Charger fans, you're okay.

Oh, and that band, The Chargers? They're only okay, too -- just like the San Diego Chargers, nobody pays much attention to them, it seems.

What's A-Twitter With This Team?
Tweeting Athletes lists 27 Chargers players posting to Twitter -- but it was taking forever to load, so I moved on. That Chargers Fans attitude (eh, who cares?) is infectious.

Which Romantic Comedy character will the Chargers most resemble this year?

Pregnant Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan. Don't bother worrying about whether this character had a name; sometimes, with vanity projects like this and Mission Impossible: 3, the point isn't so much to have a character as it is to make a point about the person starring in the movie.

That's why MI:3 should have been subtitled Isn't Tom Cruise a fantastic husband? The entire point of the movie is Tom Cruise rescuing an actress who looks exactly like Katie Holmes, after all.

Similarly, The Back-Up Plan (which Sweetie and I actually stopped watching just before Lopez seemed about to eat goat food soup in the movie) had as it's point proving that Jennifer Lopez could have it all -- twins and a hot guy and some sort of micro-farm that generated enough from sales of cheese at a farmer's market to make it obvious that the farm was a front for insider trading or a drug operation.

Overall, though, nobody cared -- just as I don't care enough to look up her character's name, and didn't care enough to watch the rest of the movie, nobody cared what happened to Lopez's character in that movie because the so-called "problems" of the ridiculously overprivileged are not problems at all, and they don't drive a plot forward. They just exist, waiting for money to solve them. So Jennifer Lopez's problem -- she's insanely well-off and able to simply get pregnant the first time around with in vitro treatment, and only then meets a hot guy -- isn't a problem at all. She'll be able to (as in real life) afford nannies and go back to work, and there are plenty of guys out there who won't mind that they're not the biological father of the first two kids, especially if they get to sleep with Jennifer Lopez.

That's your Chargers: not really a problem at all, and not really worth caring about this year. They'll just exist.

Don't you love that ad! Men! They just can't handle babies! And women are so competent! and Beautiful! Now you know where talentless hack Rachel In The OC gets her material, when she's not recycling old According to Jim episodes.

That spot actually aired during the Super Bowl, which makes it fitting, as that's the closest the Jennifer Lopez of the NFL will get to that game, ever.

Oh, and I got around to looking at that Twitter page. Here's what Takeo Spikes has on his mind:

TakeoSpikes51 This dude is crazy sitting in a bathtub w/over 100 snakes. If it was me, you would think that tub was a chocolate Latté machine. Lol #scared


Previously on (Mostly Hypothetical) Previews:

Washington Redskins
Tennessee Titans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seattle Seahawks
San Francisco 49ers

Detroit Lions.
Got a team you want to preview? Got a book or movie or other thing you want to hype? I love guest-posters, and I'll print your post if it's good and give you free hype. Email me and include NC! in the subject line.

1 comment:

Will_Parky said...

your saying rivers should be ranked 32nd QB in the league? yeah thats why he's rated one of the top 5 ? ? ?


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