Sunday, August 28, 2011

Update On God: He likes Larry Fitzgerald, still hates Buffalo (but watches Keeping up with the Kardashians.)

Larry Fitzgerald, whose total NFL career, as far as I'm concerned, can be encapsulated in the phrase "not living up to potential that may not exist" got paid this week -- $50,000,000. And you may think that Larry Fitzgerald got paid because of his talent, but that talent appears dubious, at best, given that when you think NFL wide receivers over the last few years, where does Larry Fitzgerald appear on that list? I'll give you the list of NFL Wide Receivers over the last three years, off the top of my head:

1. Ochocinco.
2. Terrell Owens
3. Sidney Rice
4. Donald Driver
5. Greg Jennings.
6. Hines Ward.

Now, granted, that list is Packer-heavy because I live in Wisconsin, and it includes Hines Ward mostly because he managed to fend of crowd favorite Kirstie Alley on Dancing with the Stars, but still: Nobody knows Larry Fitzgerald.

Except God, and He's really the only person who counts, right? After Fitzgerald parlayed being "the most attractive woman in the royal family"*

*this is a saying that I use when the competition is not really all that strong. Fitzgerald may be the best receiver on the Cardinals, but saying that is like saying "she's the most attractive woman in the royal family," or "he's the smartest Palin." There's not really any yardstick to measure by, is there?

into $50,000,000 -- or one thousand times the annual median income in Arizona, although to be fair all those illegal aliens are keeping wages down for people, right? -- people like me were left wondering who was responsible for this. It can't be Fitzgerald, right? For obvious reasons (he's not that good, is my point.) It could be stupid ownership blowing money on a never-will-be, paying about $1,200 per dropped-errant-Kolb-pass, and I was about to blame them, but then I got the information, straighthand, from someone who knows: Chris Johnson, holdout running back, who tweeted:

god is good.

You know Chris Johnson has the inside scoop, because we all have to call God by his formal name, God with a capital G. But Chris is on an informal basis.

And Larry himself appears to also be on speaking terms with God**
**or god, because I can't rule out the possibility that Chris Johnson just spilled the beans and we actually live in a multitheistic world; for all I know, Johnson was speaking of just one god out of many. So it may be Thor that did this.

because he Tweeted back

thanks CJ you up next my guy

and if you want to determine the relative positions of "NFL Players" vis a vis "God" in the average footballer's mind, just note that they don't capitalize God but do capitalize each other.

That's not all God was up to this week, though: As shown by people giving credit where credit is due -- i.e., thanking God on Twitter, God also made sure Kim Karsdashian's made-for-tv wedding went through, and it's probably because He was so busy doing that that Tim Tebow got relegated to third string and hasn't yet been shipped off to Buffalo -- God being too busy to strike down Kyle Orton (that's for next week) and still too mad at Buffalo, which is apparently modern-day Gomorrah, to send a real quarterback there.

Speaking of which, everyone knows what Sodom did to make God mad, (they raped angels, according to some people) but what did Gomorrah do? Are college students going around gomorrahizing each other? Shouldn't they be? Isn't that what college is all about?

Aaaaaannnnd... there's the NSFW filter kicking in on your computer.

Previously, on Updates On God:

God likes Ochocinco.


Rogue Mutt said...

I don't see much sense giving $120 million to a receiver and then having Kevin Kolb as your quarterback. That's as bad as these people who get these awesome stereos and then put them in rusty 1992 Grand Ams.

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