Monday, November 14, 2011

If I had to rebuild society, and could only have as a helper a sportswriter or a Kardashian, I'd choose... (SNAP! Judgment)


When we last left SNAP! Judgment, our hero was dangling from a tree branch just below the edge of a cliff that somehow stood on the edge of a sea filled with sharp rocks and rock-climbing sharks, and also there was somehow a railroad track that our hero was tied to...

Just thought I'd inject a little bit of excitement into this post. Who doesn't like to simply create a storyline or two for readers to latch onto and talk about for a while? Not me. I don't not... wait. I'm all mixed around.

Time again for my weekly (or so) round-up of NFL games and what I thought of them, in alphabetical order, which is the best possible order, and also time again to decide what team shall be dead to me this week!

Prior to this, I've decided that the Atlanta Falcons and Tennessee Titans aren't worth talking about on a weekly basis; nothing they do is exciting or interesting enough to warrant spending time in this recap on, and so those teams are dead to me.

This week's newly-deceased team is Tampa Bay. The Buccaneers, as I noted last week, are perenially mentioned as a team that might do something. They might make a run. They might win this game. They might do that or the other thing.

You know what? Everyone might do something. We all know that guy who sits around talking about how he's going to go back to school or go start jogging or write that novel or run for President or whatever it is.

That guy's not going to do it.

People who are going to do something do that thing. They don't make resolutions, they don't rebuild, they don't plan to make plans.

If the Buccaneers were ever going to be interesting, they'd be interesting. They're not. So long to them for this year.

On to the recaps!

Arizona Cardinals: The single funniest thing I read about sports all week long came from Deadspin, which wrote:

Arizona at Philadelphia (FOX): At one point in time, this was going to be a much more exciting game. Now it's just two teams with a combined 5 wins hoping to sucker their fans into thinking they've got a run in them. The story line of the day: Kevin Kolb returns to where he built his reputation: the Philadelphia sideline.

Note that I did not write that. Deadspin wrote that. I did not. That's what the indentation means. I don't want to end up like "renowned" (?) blogger Jim Romanesko, who recently was forced into retirement for not properly attributing language he aggregated from other sources.

(Aggregating being okay if you attribute it, I suppose. That is: I'm allowed to post what you post if I post that I'm posting what you post. Viva La Internet!)

Romanesko was so beloved at his job that he had to quit twice:


According to her post, Romenesko offered to resign and she refused to accept his resignation at the time.

At 8:15 p.m. on Thursday night, Moos published a second post, announcing Romenesko's departure

(Source.) Of course, I don't have to worry about getting fired. I run this blog myself. But with world-renowned journalists occasionally checking in, I'm trying to be on my best behavior.

Then again, aren't we all just plagiarists? Consider this: The world recently gave all kinds of props to a guy who claimed he'd proven that an Infinite Number Of Monkeys would type Shakespeare when given the chance, even though he'd not proven that at all but instead had proven simply that people don't understand what random is and can be suckered in by "science" all too easily.

If that guy proved that aggregating random syllables and matching them to texts constitutes "writing Shakespeare's plays" then everyone is just plagiarizing everybody else and nobody's got a copyright on anything.

Consider, for example, Herman Cain's statement regarding the first sexual harassment victim to come forward and identify herself. Cain declared:

I saw [Gloria] Allred and her client [Bialek] yesterday in that news conference for the very first time.... My first response … was, ‘I don't even know who this woman is.... I didn't recognize the face. I didn't recognize the name, nor the voice.
I have already used many of those words in this post. Did I copy from Herman Cain? Probably. Why wouldn't I?

The point I'm trying to make is: The Arizona Cardinals overpaid for Kevin Kolb.

Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens almost were my team to kill off this week, but then they went and lost to the Owned-By-A-Horrible-Person-Seahawks, which allows me to say this: We will never see Joe Flacco hoisting a Super Bowl trophy unless he steals it from a quarterback who won it for another team.

The Ravens won their last/only Super Bowl via a combination of getting to play a bad team and having a defense that I think actually strangled a guy. They would not have been in that position in the first place had Minnesota actually played in that 41-0 loss to the New York Giants that inexplicably put Kerry Collins into a Super Bowl in a game that was marked, actually, by being the single most average matchup ever -- as the Giants were just below average in points scored in the regular season that year and the Ravens were just above average in that same category.

Which is all to say: The Ravens are not a good team. And Joe Flacco is not a good quarterback. Flacco is 26th in quarterback rating, so he's less efficient than Kyle Orton (who's 25th); Flacco is less efficient than a guy who got benched in favor of Tebow. Flacco's 20 sacks put him just behind such luminaries as Blaine Gabbert (which is not a real name). He's 12th in yards thrown, total, but 26th in average yards, worse than John Beck. He's thrown 7 interceptions to 10 touchdowns.

Oh, and he completes only about 54% of his passes. So even though I'd suspect, based on those numbers, that every single pass he throws is a screen pass to his running back, Flacco's only completing half of those, and he's just about as likely to toss an interception as he is a touchdown.

So why does Flacco get so much credit and the Ravens get so much press?

Beats me.

The Ravens have beaten, in order, Pittsburgh, the Rams, the Jets, the Texans, the Cardinals, and Pittsburgh again. There's three suspect wins right in that list. And they've lost to Seattle, Jacksonville, and the Titans -- three terrible teams. They've been outscored 284-225 this season, and while their defense is third-best in the NFL in terms of total points, big whoop: Jacksonville's is fourth.

Here
is an interesting stat, too: The Ravens' offense is 19th in the league in time of possession, behind the Bills, Dolphins, Jaguars, and Panthers, to name a few. But they're sixth in plays from scrimmage. So they get lots of chances to do something with the ball, but don't do anything with it.

The quarterback matters more than ever in the NFL. Joe Flacco is not a good quarterback. The Ravens aren't good, either.

Buffalo Bills: Two weeks ago, I finally bought into the Bills this year, figuring that even an NFL owner hellbent on moving the team to Toronto in the next year or two must have some reason for handing a quarterback a $24,000,000 guaranteed check as a raise when that quarterback had exactly 9 wins at the time.

Turns out I was wrong.

I don't place a lot of stock in sportswriters, who are less useful to society than any single Kardashian, but they do watch a lot of sports and see things that I don't because I watch the opposite (i.e., "not a lot of sports"). So this week, I was watching to see if what Grantland said last week about Obi-Wan Fitzpatrick was true.

Here's what Grantland said:

The newly extended Bills quarterback was placed into a bad spot by the Jets defense, which took away all of his underneath throws and forced Fitzpatrick into the weak part of his game, throwing downfield. He doesn't have an accurate deep ball or the receivers to get significant separation from cornerbacks.... Other teams will see the Jets defense on film and try to emulate it against Fitzpatrick and this Bills offense over the rest of the season, and it will be up to Donald Jones and Stevie Johnson to make plays downfield. For that to happen, Fitzpatrick needs to get the ball to them.

That brings up many points:

1. Isn't throwing the ball downfield really what separates a quarterback from every other player on the team? What football player can't dump a ball 10 feet away, or toss a lob to the back of the end zone from thirty feet? The Bills replaced Trent "Captain Checkdown" Edwards, a player who wouldn't throw downfield, with Fitzpatrick, a player who can't.

2. Were the Bills unaware that they'd given a God-guaranteed (according to Jim Kelly, getting paid $24,000,000 is a right) ghastly amount of money to a guy who can't throw the ball downfield?

3. Why is it that the Bills don't have a receiver who can separate from a cornerback? Oh, yeah.

4. Also, here's why sportswriters are dumb: Other teams didn't emulate the Jets. As Jim Nantz and Phil Simms pointed out during Sunday's Bills-Cowboys game, the Cowboys don't have cover guys like the Jets.

Didn't matter: I watched, until the 3rd quarter when CBS cut to a more interesting game, as Obi Wan heaved pass after pass downfield, terribly over- or under-throwing any receiver who happened to be in the same ZIP code as the $24,000,000 Man. Sportwriters, you blew it even though you tried: Teams that watch the Bills on film will realize that Ryan Fitzpatrick has all the accuracy of a man being shot out of a cannon, or one of those cool Pumpkin Catapults.



In fact, I'm so disappointed in Obi Wan that I'm revoking his Rogue-Mutt-given nickname, and from now on, he's Trebuchet Fitzpatrick.

Oh, and here's another thing, both for Bills' Coach Chan Gailey and Nantz/Simms: For it to be a screen play, you need blockers. Blockers are the screen after which the play is named. The Bills ran many, many purported screen plays, but with no blockers in front of the player getting the ball, those weren't actual screen plays. They were tackling drills for the Cowboys, who handled them fine.

Oh, and one other another thing: REALLY? A ##*#&$#^% SACK ON THE FIRST OFFENSIVE PLAY? From an unblocked defensive lineman? Who was a first-round pick? And who was the subject of an interview with your team just prior to the game?

I don't mind if teams I root for lose. I really don't. I mind when they don't even bother trying. Ralph Wilson, you could've done some good with that $24,000,000, but apparently you have money to burn, and why people are mad about Kim Kardashian's wedding ripping them out of $20,000,000 when it didn't really because you got the entertainment you wanted and that's what she's there for, but they're not mad that Trebuchet Fitzpatrick earned more to suck it up onfield for a couple of weeks.

I'd rather Kim Kardashian was quarterbacking the Bills, and if her mom wanted to run the team, well, at least it would be entertaining. CBS never cut away from a Kardashian to show actual entertainment.

I was actually relieved to see that the Bills' game next week will not be on TV.

Carolina Panthers: Hey, whatever happened to The Cam Newton Experience? Aren't we still supposed to be thrilled at how easily a guy who's actually been getting paid to play football for several years became a "real" pro? Cam's throwing a lot, he's got a decent quarterback rating (7th in the league), but the team is still losing, as they did this week, scoring only 3 points.

The Panthers were 2-14 last year. This year, with a new coach and a new hotshot quarterback but largely the same team otherwise, they're 2-7 with 7 games left. I pointed out that a free agent only helps a team a little -- I estimate a good free agent adds 2 wins to a team's schedule -- and a rookie is a free agent, only a little worse because they aren't as experienced as a regular free agent.

Expect the Panthers to be 4-12 this year.

Chicago Bears: The rematch! Or something, with Detroit coming to town still all burned up over the Calvin Johnson catch last year. I didn't pay much attention to this game because these teams are playing for a wild card at best, but I see Chicago scored 37 points. They're 6-3, and I didn't hear much this week about having all those coaches around is messing up Jay Cutler, or whatever it was sportswriters liked to talk about in the first couple weeks of the season.

What'd be nice is if sportswriters just sat around and watched the Kardashians and wrote about them. That recursion would let the rest of society be extra-productive.

Oh, wait. They already do that. Quite a bit. In fact, ESPN has a whole Kardashian archive. (It's not ESKN, is it, now?)

Cincinnati Bengals: One of those NFL guys on that NFL show -- you know the one, that guy with the suit -- said Andy Dalton is the most underrated player in the NFL right now.

I have this ongoing discussion with The Boy in which we try to decide what it means to be underrated, really. To me, it seems simple: You are underrated if everyone's estimation of you is less than what you really are worth. For example, Colin Hanks recently went on NPR and explained his Twitter tagline to host Peter Sagal:


SAGAL: And your twitter bio describes you as, quote, "that guy from that one thing you think is way underrated," unquote.

HANKS: Yes.

SAGAL: What is that thing?

HANKS: That thing apparently is everything on my resume.

SAGAL: There you are.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

HANKS: No, there's always someone who just says, you know, hey man that thing - the blank, movie blank, that's way underrated.

....

SAGAL: That thing that you did does not suck nearly as much as everybody else says it does.

That, I think, is a far better way of looking at what it means to say someone is underrated: It means "I don't think you suck nearly as much as everyone else thinks you suck."

So to be underrated, the general populace must mostly agree that you suck, but you must then not suck.

Does anyone think Andy Dalton sucks? He was on a team that vied for the national championship and he outplayed Wisconsin, didn't he? Is he the TCU quarterback that won the Rose Bowl last year in a game for which The Boy still owes me a TCU shirt? I'm pretty sure he is, and I'm pretty sure he was drafted in the second round, and was promoted to starter and has been getting accolades. So many accolades, in fact, that Bleacher Report already (in a story I didn't bother reading) looked at the 2012 draft and found seven quarterbacks who could be the next Andy Dalton.

When someone is talking about there being a next you, you are not underrated. Nobody who doesn't get an adequate amount of credit has people thinking "Who might be the next guy to match this current guy?"

So really what's going on is that the NFL guy, whoever he was, had nothing much useful to add to the analysis, so he decided to create a storyline: "Andy Dalton! Everyone thinks he sucks! But he doesn't, really! So let's talk about that!"

You know who else simply creates storylines to get people talking?





Cleveland Browns: I honestly don't know anything about this team. Is Mike Holmgren still the GM? There was always talk of a feud between him and Ron Wolf back in the good days of the Brett Favre era before all of Wisconsin was hypnotized into hating him and then he gave them a reason by sexting young women from his Crocs-lounge. If there was a feud, Ron Wolf is whistling all the way past the graveyard*

*never really understood that expression
as he watches Holmgren build a team that can't compete with the Rams.

The recap of the game at NFL.com says that the fans booed the Browns, with booing being limited mostly to sporting events, according to the Freakonomics podcast I listened to while scrubbing my kitchen floor Sunday night, during which I learned that even a Thomas Paine impersonator can make me feel as though he's apologizing for Philadelphia fans being so awful that they'll root for a Dog Killer.

I know this part is about Cleveland, but what's to say about them other than the vigor with which Peyton Hillis once denied, on The Dan Patrick Show, that he was faking injury to get more money, convinced me that he's holding out to get more money. That, or God hates him: Hillis has missed five weeks with a hamstring injury (?) while Reggie White, who we know God loved, had his hamstring injury healed in a week.(Actually 9 days, which says something about how bad that injury was. God created the world in 7 days, but it took 9 to heal Reggie. God might have been taking some time off, though. He was 1,996 years old at the time and maybe was starting to wind things down at God, Inc. and let Jesus take on more of the day-to-day operations.)

(We know God loved Reggie, because he told Reggie to go to Green Bay as the first-ever Big Name Free Agent, even though Reggie proclaimed he wasn't looking for money or glory, but for a chance to work with inner-city youth. Green Bay isn't large enough to have an Inner City. It's not, technically, large enough, to have a city. But back then, Green Bay also didn't ticket people just for being black, so they had that, plus $17,000,000, going for them in the Reggie Race.)

(Also: Reggie White and Brett Favre help prove my point about free agents. Although they improved the Packers, it wasn't until the Packers got Keith Jackson midway through their Super Bowl season that they actually beat Dallas in the playoffs and won the Super Bowl under Holmgren, so they went from 4-12 before hiring Holmgren to 13-3 the year they won the Super Bowl, but had added, during that time, Reggie White, Brett Favre, Keith Jackson, Desmond Howard, Don Beebe, Santana Dotson, Eugene Robinson, and, of course, Jim McMahon, who would prove absolutely uninstrumental in securing the first Packer Super Bowl victory of the Modern Era (a/k/a "The Only Football Era Anyone But Your Grandpa Cares About. Talking about olden days football is like talking about 1930s "super" heroes, who were anything but. They were just guys who had boring day jobs and so they carried around date-rape drugs but needed to justify it:



So, adding free agents doesn't really matter until you create an entire team out of them. And Peyton Hillis is lying. And, finally, that Thomas Paine impersonator, quickly:

Freakonomics tried to justify Philadelphia fans booing Santa, and cheering Michael Irvin's near-paralysis and other actions that would justify us voting Philadelphia off the island by noting that Philadelphia was the birthplace of the intellectual side of the American revolution, and talking to a Thomas Paine impersonator about that (the Paine impersonator being one of those annoying guys who stays in character: "Starbucks? I'm not familiar with...") but there's a big difference, if you ask me, which you did, between "Deciding to stand up for individual liberty and a representative form of government" and "throwing batteries at players." Whatever Philadelphia's lofty goals at one time, it now cheers for a guy who electrocuted puppies.

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo, don't get comfortable. It's easy to look good when the team you're playing against is more concerned about whether they'll soon get overpaid (as is their God-given right?) in weird plastic Canadian money. If there was a bright spot in the 3/4 of the game CBS bothered airing Sunday, it's that the game likely served as the highlight for the Cowboys' season, something for fans to remember when they sit around in January watching other teams in the playoffs and realizing that they're going to be stuck with Rick Perry treating their state like he's Jesse James and Texas is a series of tattooed slutty girls.

I know that analogy doesn't really work, given that Jesse James cheated on America's New Sweetheart while Rick Perry just allowed campaign contributors to build toxic waste dumps at the expense of local schools, but if I can get America to associate the Republican Party with Kat Von D,

then the battle is halfway won.

Dallas, meanwhile, is halfway to when Tony Romo starts thinking about vacation and blows their season for him. Romo once won 13 straight November games, but that was back in 2009, and that stat comes from Bleacher Report, which about a year before had questioned whether Romo could ever win the "big game."

If you're reading Bleacher Report, then you know that in 2008, they said Romo was headed in the "wrong direction," then gave him an "A" in their 2009 review of the Cowboys, before this year asking whether Tony Romo is the most overrated quarterback in the NFL. Bleacher Report's conclusion?

They don't know.

Seriously. Each panel of the slideshow asks a question, and the final answer is "Tony Romo is rated exactly where he should be."

If America took every penny earned by sportswriters/casters/etc-ers from here on out and stuffed it directly into Kim Kardashian's g-string, this country would be a better place.

Denver Broncos: Meanwhile, 3/4 of the way across the country from South Canada, New York, there's a quarterback everyone can't say enough bad about, but who is 3-1 in his starts and has the entire world in almost as much of an uproar as the Kardashivorce. The only way Tim Tebow could be more controversial is if he gay married Jesus, which, if he'd gone to the Bills like I wanted him to, he could do once the Bills move to Canada.

Let's give sports analysts a break and see what a sports player has to say about stuff and junk: Darelle Revis, who used to be someone, says that the Broncos "read-option" offense can only work with Dog Killer Michael Vick and Chris Johnson, not Tim Tebow and whoever the Broncos have lining up at RB. Darelle Revis not only isn't anyone anymore, but also is unfamiliar with the records posted by those two guys this season.

What's amazing about the Tebow haters is that Denver ran on 55 of 63 plays last week; Tebow threw 8 passes and completed 2. Why don't traditionalists love him? All we ever hear from anyone associated with football "analysis" is "you've got to run the ball to win" and other versions of that mantra. Now, Denver is running the ball and winning, and people hate Tebow.

I wore my Denver Broncos jersey on Sunday, by the way -- the one I got when the Broncos beat the Packers in the Super Bowl as a result of a bet with my brother. It's not Tebow, but it'll do.

Detroit Lions: In the Mostly Hypothetical Guest Preview, Rogue Mutt said of the Lions:

I’m supposed to compare them to a romantic movie character. I haven’t really watched any ‘80s John Hughes other than “Ferris Bueller” and “Breakfast Club,” so let’s go outside the box a little with my favorite comedy about Star Trek geeks: 1998’s “Free Enterprise.”

In the movie is a character named Schweiger, who’s a nerd working as a low-budget film editor. He laments in the movie that he’s paid $2,000 to Great Encounters to find a woman and still hasn’t got to first base yet.

That pretty much sums up the Lions for the last 20 years. They’ve paid millions (maybe even a billion by now) in free agents and draft picks and haven’t gotten to second base. By the end of the movie Schweiger still hasn’t got any action, and I don’t think the Lions will be getting any this year either.

So now you’re Lions Ready, which is their slogan. Like most things concerning the Lions it makes no sense.

People might not have believed him earlier in the season, but the Lions are 1-3 in their last 4 games, and Matt Stafford and his broken finger on his throwing hand threw four interceptions against the Bears on Sunday. And Detroit has to play the Packers twice more this year, a team they trail by 3 games in their division.

"By the end of the movie, Schweiger still hasn't got any action."

Green Bay Packers: I have started asking people in Wisconsin this question: "Forget whether the Packers will go undefeated this season. Do you think they'll ever lose a game again, EVER?" What's amazing is that Packer fans (I'm only a lukewarm supporter of the team) pause to consider that question seriously. They don't laugh and say "That's funny." They actually stop to think "Hmmm... I wonder if there will ever come a time when the Packers lose another game?"

At the start of the Monday night game, the announcers (whoever they are; MNF isn't a big deal anymore since it went to basic cable) wondered why Packers Coach Mike "Mike" McCarthy traditionally defers when his team wins the toss. I think it's because he's messing with the league. He knows the Packers are better than pretty much every team out there, and just wants to screw with their heads. That's why he goes for it on 4th-and-5 when he's up 17-0, that's why he defers, that's why he does crazy onside kicks. I originally disliked Coach Mike. But since last year's playoff run, I'm a wholehearted supporter of him. He's a better coach, I think, than Holmgren was.

Houston Texans: Doesn't matter. They're not going to win the Super Bowl.

Indianapolis Colts: If you adopt my idea for the Fan Vote Wild Card, the Colts have a reason to play the rest of the season. Under the current system, Colts fans have no reason to care, and the fact that the Colts aren't even trying will skew the rest of the NFL season. Playoffs solve everything! There's no way a playoff system ever results in anything being wrong with a sports league! USA USA USA! Luckily, the Colts' remaining schedule includes no teams that will actually have a shot at winning the Super Bowl, either. Which means there are seven games on the schedule that mean nothing and aren't even interesting. USA USA USA!

Jacksonville Jaguars: Beat the Colts, but still ended up being the team voted "Most Likely To Have only 25 words written about them by me this week."

Kansas City Chiefs: You say: "That preseason prediction that the Chiefs would edge out the Packers in the Super Bowl is looking pretty remote." I say: "The Chiefs are only 1 game out of first in their division and a team quarterbacked by football legend Tyler Palko is a team poised to make a run." Palko's a four-year veteran who is averaging 2.2 completions per season. Those are Tebow-like numbers.

Miami Dolphins: Don't care. And neither do you. Admit it. You were peeking ahead to see if there's finally a team whose name starts with Q. But you'll have to wait until Quebec gets the Jaguars; the Bills are going to Toronto.

Minnesota Vikings: According to those "MNF" guys, Vikings DE Jared Allen "practically invented the sack." But the term sack was actually attributed to Deacon Jones, who said a sack hurt a team the way being sacked hurt a city. And he did it for the best of reasons: publicity. Jones wanted a term that was short enough to fit into a headline so that more could be written about him. Deacon also wasn't his real name. His real name was David. He changed it so that people would remember his name.

Deacon Jones: Fame Whore.

New England Patriots*: God, how I hate them. I understand they beat the Jets in the game that was going on while I was watching the Bills not bother mentally going to Dallas. That's enough about them.

New Orleans Saints: Unfortunately, I can't talk about them without talking about a deceased team, so let me resurrect Zombie Atlanta Falcons for a moment and say this: If a team is inches away from the end zone and kicks a field goal, fans get upset and "analysts" say "If you can't gain a few inches, you don't belong in the NFL." If a team is inches away from hanging on to the ball and keeping the Saints' offense off the field in sudden-death overtime, and goes for it, fans get upset and say "you've got to punt it away."

If you can't gain a few inches, you don't belong in the NFL.

The problem was not with Zombie Atlanta Falcons' decision to go for it, it was with the playcalling. Call something creative. Call a quick sneak. Or a fake sneak -- have your quarterback go up to the line and do a quick snap to the running back while the quarterback dives to his left. Or something.

Twice this year, a football coach has gone for the win rather than playing it safe. Twice, the coach has been criticized (once for the wrong reason entirely). Enjoy your season of safe punts next year, NFL fans.

To the Saints: "Not losing" isn't the same as "winning."

New York Giants: Something something Eli Manning something something. I'll get the details later; you get the gist.

New York Jets: Rex Ryan, at his press conference, tried the old reverse psychology bit, saying that when he declared his team out of it before, they went on a winning streak, so he'd declare his team out of it again. Imagine his pre-game speeches:

[SCENE: JETS' LOCKER ROOM. PLAYERS SIT SILENTLY, HEADS DOWN, AS REX RYAN SOBS INTO A HANDKERCHIEF FOR SEVERAL MINUTES BEFORE LOOKING UP]: Look guys, you're probably going to die out there today. I don't mean metaphorically, whatever a metaphor is. I mean that you people are so weak and pathetic you might actually be killed. In fact, I'd be amazed if you can find your way onto the field from this locker room. I'm not going to bother coaching you today. I'm going to sit here and eat these chicken wings. Do what you want to do. Nothing matters, anyway, and ultimately the universe is going to fall into a state of stasis. Do you know what stasis is? Not expanding, not contracting. Just... dead. Like our chances in this game and all others. It's meaningless. If anyone wants me, I'll be hooking my car exhaust up to my office. Bye.

Sounds about right.

Oakland Raiders: Carson Palmer has fewer wins this season than Tim Tebow. Is Carson Palmer the most overrated quarterback in the NFL? A Special Bleacher Report Investigation reveals... maybe! Maybe not!

Philadelphia Eagles: In a turn of events that I can only say makes me sadder than Rex Ryan giving a pep talk, you just know Andy Reid is getting fired and Dog Killer Michael Vick will still be on this team next year. If I were Reid, I'd go out in style. I'd call nothing but passes until Vick got the snot beat out of him, then bench him.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Are old! Last year, they were a savvy veteran team. This year, they're old! Unless they win, in which case they're veterans!

San Diego Chargers:
At the chat portion of the NFL Game Center for this game, one fan has posted a 2012 Mock Draft in which the Jets are taking Andrew Luck #1. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers continues to unimpress.

San Francisco 49ers: They're all set to be this year's team that rolls through the regular season and gets stomped by the first team they face in the playoffs. The 49ers' 8 wins have been against the Seahawks, Bengals, Buccaneers, Eagles, Lions, Cleveland, Washington, and the Giants. One playoff contender among the entire list, and they were outpassed and outrun by the Giants in that game, which they won by 7.

Seattle Seahawks: Beat the Ravens. See what I mean about the Ravens?

St. Louis Rams: Beat the Browns. See what I mean about the Browns? Sam Bradford is guaranteed $50 million, which means he has twice as many rights as Trebuchet Fitzpatrick does, which is unfair because Bradford and Trebuchet have both won about the same number of games. Turns out an Ivy League degree doesn't always result in higher pay.

Washington Redskins:
I missed the return of Sexy Rex Grossman? I wonder how much Mike Shanahan will get to coach the Eagles into oblivion next year?

4 comments:

Grumpy Bulldog said...

I hardly watched any football again this weekend, just a little of the Jets-Patriots on Sunday night and a little of the Lions-Bears, enough to realize they weren't going to win that game. The problem for the Lions is they started drinking their own Kool-Aid and acting like poor sports, like they were the 16-0 Patriots, not the 0-16 Lions. So Fate (or whatever) had to cut them down by hurting the starting running back and when they traded for another running back they couldn't because the guy they wanted to trade had a brain tumor! And now the Glass Quarterback is hurt again, which will mean another crappy Thanksgiving game.

Tim Morrissey said...

World-renowned journalist? Not me. Never claimed to be one. Can't stand the rigid ethics involved. Writer/commentator/curmudgeon, not journalist.
And big fan. Like you, I was on the fence about McCarthy. Not any more.

Rusty Webb said...

Damn. You and I listened to the same podcast last week. Yes, it's okay to boo Santa - he was too skinny. For me, the entire worth of a player is what he can give me in fantasy points - i still love the games, but I think fantasy players are what will make watching crappy teams every week possible.

And I still talk about Reggie White's address to the Wisconsin congress from time to time. That was priceless.

Grumpy Bulldog said...

Hey check it out, this guy on Gather must read your blog!

http://sports.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980779289

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