Tuesday, December 20, 2011

There's only one solution that fixes every problem. (Updates On God)(Baseball)

God has no offseason, and apparently dislikes baseball as much as the rest of us, judging by how He decided to punish Albert Pujols, who I'm told is a baseball player.

God, remember, is famous for His punishments. Like when he turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at Sodom and Gomorrah, or when he cast Adam and Steve out of the Garden of Eden for learning about sex, or when he drowned the whole world except for Noah and his family for being sinners and also drowned all but two of every animal because... well, let's assume that all the animals Noah didn't rescue were also sinners because we know that every word in one version of the Bible or other is absolute truth and we also don't want to muck up that belief-- I mean FACT -- by considering whether a God of Love would drown billions of animals to make a point when he could have simply struck dead all of the sinners of the world while leaving the animals untouched.

But still: God is good at punishing, is the moral here, and look how he punished Albert Pujols: by having teams offer him more millions of dollars.

Ouch! Lesson learned, God. But not gracefully, not in the case of Albert Pujols' wife, who (rightly?) called God on the unfairness of that punishment, saying:

The offers that people have seen on television, I’m going to tell you what, had that offer been the one that was given us, with guarantees, we would have the (Cardinals) bird on our back...

Adding that the Cardinals had "only" (my quotes) offered a five-year deal, Mrs. Pujols went on:

We got over that insult and felt like Albert had given so much of himself to baseball and the community that he at least deserved the opportunity to have real lifelong … I tell you what: We didn’t want to go through this again. Free agency, it’s stressful.

Yes! That's what it is! Stressful! I remember this one time I became a millionaire from playing a game that required me to be at work less than half the days in a year, and then there came this time that I had to choose between continuing to be a millionaire in this city, or be a bigger millionaire in that other city over there, and I. Could. Not. Sleep. The STRESS! It was making me cuckoo!

It's a wonder Pujols could manage to get it together long enough to sign the ten year, $254,000,000 offer the Anaheim Angels made him. But even that small sop to their delicate sensibilities didn't stop Deidre Pujols from calling the Almighty on His stupid little mind games:

When it all came down, I was mad... I was mad at God because I felt like all the signs that had been played out through the baseball field, our foundation, our restaurant, the Down Syndrome Center, my relationships, my home, my family close. I mean, we had no reason, not one reason, to want to leave. People were deceived by the numbers.

I'm with her. Screw you, God. This man goes and plays baseball and earns as little as $11,000,000 paltry dollars per years and the best You can do is have a bunch of teams get in a bidding war over him and almost double his salary from 2011? I mean, paying a man $25,000,000 per year on average to play a game is identical, if you think about it, to striking him down with the pox. So what's not to be mad about, here?

I think you owe Albert Pujols and his wife one, God. You blew this one. You'd better make this right, because Pujols is like a saint wrapped up in a martyr full of holy water.

Might I make a suggestion on how to fix things?


Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

Are you wanting that for Pujols's wife or for Pujols? The latter would be funnier.

The Angels are going to regret this contract in a couple of years when his knees are shot and he can only DH. Without the help of steroids there aren't many players in their 30s who improve.

And really except for that one game where he got like 6 RBIs, Pujols wasn't much of a factor in the rest of the World Series. I mean the MVP was Mr. Freeze or something like that. And in 2006 when they beat my beloved Tigers the MVP was David Eckstein, so again, Pujols wasn't a huge factor.

But at least the Angels aren't as dumb as the Rangers, who just spent $51 million just to negotiate with a Japanese pitcher. I mean $51 MILLION just to talk to a guy's agents? How ridiculous is baseball?

Tim Morrissey said...

So, you mean, like, you don't think that loaves and fishes story was accurate?

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