Alice Cooper, Khloe Kardashian,and a host of celebrities bring you: Analyzing the Playoffs the NC! Way! (National League)

Click here for the AL Preview.

Has it really been another 5,184 baseball games since we had a World Series that some team or other won? (Was it the Phillies? The Rangers? I honestly can't remember.) It seems so -- and that means that another baseball regular season has come and gone, although come and gone makes it seem like the baseball season actually moves quickly, like football does, when in fact it crawls by in tedious fashion, enlivened only by selfish, overweight players deciding to cause a minor distraction in a team's all-too-rare playoff pursuits by arrogantly telling local reporters that come Hell or high water, they're moving on from Milwaukee and going to cash in next year...

But, yes, we have witnessed another lengthy season filled with such highlights as... um...
Okay. I didn't watch a single baseball game this year. And I didn't even try. And I can't really tell you the names of all the baseball teams. And I bet I couldn't name more than 10 baseball players if every major leaguer in the world were sitting in my house, because the only ones I can think of off the top of my head are:

1. Evan Longoria, because I always wonder if he's related to Eva Longoria or if their names are just an example of convergent evolution, and

2. Curt Schilling, who I'm kind of sure doesn't play anymore, and

3. Derek Jeter, because he's the guy I use as an example of an athlete that gets to date around a lot and people don't care, because he's not married, so, athletes, if you don't want people to judge you harshly, you have two options: You could, if you want people to like you and think you're a good guy, not be married and date whoever you want, or, you could, if you want people to like you and think you're a good guy, kill a bunch of dogs but then go play in Philadelphia.

Anyway, the fact that I'm not "up" on "current baseball facts" and can't "say exactly who's in the playoffs" or even whether "there is still a baseball team in San Diego" should not in any way keep you from listening to my opinions, because my opinions, like all Americans' opinions, are Constitutionally protected by the Bible and ought to be taught in school just like everyone else's opinions; The American Rule is: "if I think it, it's entitled to never be questioned and must be treated as though it was handed down on Holy Scripture by angels who looked nothing like Rick Perry."

And that goes double for opinions about Netflix.

My opinions might even be entitled to a little extra credit -- the kind of credit that gets you mentioned in a Texas schoolbook alongside such easily proveable opinions as "intelligent design" and "states rights except when I'm running for President" -- in that it is not just based on "stuff I thought up while watching Designing Women" reruns" as most people's opinions are; it's also based on a system.

The


Nonsportsmanlike Conduct
100% Accurate,
Never-Fail,
Always-Right,
Sure-Fire System
For Picking The Playoff Winner
System.


(Or, "NC100%ANF,AR,SFSFPTPW" for short.)


This system has, in the past, never failed (it's right in the name! You can't lie in a name!) and serves every year, going back at least 1 year, and maybe more, I don't know because the search function on Blogger has been increasingly letting me down, to pick the World Series winner without ever missing once.

Who could ever forget, after all, how last year's System accurately predicted that the Rays and the Reds would end up tying in the World Series? Or, how the year before, I was the only sports blogger in the world who correctly prediced that artist Christian Faur would surprise everyone and beat the Yankees in the Series?

With that kind of track record, it can only be a matter of time until Bill Simmons rips me off and reposts this all on Grantland, so let's get right into it. As usual, the NC100%ANF, AR, SFSFPTPW doesn't mess around with "statistics" and "records" and other meaningless math. I leave that stuff Billy Beane and the mancrush Gregg Easterbrook has on him. No, I get into the stuff that really counts: I rate the Mascot/Logo/Team name, the Craziest Fan On Youtube, the Strangest Fact About The Team's City, and and the Weirdest Thing For Sale In Their Pro Shop, awarding points to each team in each category based on a strict, scientific system known as "whatever pops into my head"*

*Also the scientific principle behind such leading made-up science-y things as "dark matter," and "velociraptors."

At the end of each preview, the NL and AL, the team with the most points will be that league's entrant in the Series, with the entrant having the most overall points being the team the System predicts (with 100% accuracy!) will win.

Let's keep one step ahead of Bill Simmons and dive right in:

1. Mascot/Logo/Name: The four teams in the National League playoffs, according to MLB.Com, which ought to know, are the Milwaukee Brewers, the Arizona Diamondbacks, the St. Louis Cardinals, and the Philadelphia Phillies.

Traditionally, I look first at mascots and logos, but I, unlike baseball, am not in love with tradition, so I am free to forego tradition and look instead at the First part of the team's name: The city or state the team claims as its geographic location.

Geographic location is, after all, how people choose what team to root for. I've had this debate lots of times with lots of people who continue to insist that I'm insane, because I say that choosing your team based on artificial boundaries is nonsense.

Here's what I mean: I live in Wisconsin, which by the rules that dictate sports-fandom, says that I am a Milwaukee Brewers fan (if I root for baseball, which I don't) and a Green Bay Packers' fan.

Those teams are geographically located in Wisconsin, where I, too, am geographically located. And so everyone assumes that I must want them to win, and must be pulling for them to win, and that if I do not pull for them to win, there's something wrong with me.

When I say things like "But I only live in Wisconsin by accident, because my parents chose to live here, and in fact the boundaries for Wisconsin were chosen a century-and-a-half ago when nobody knew what a "packer" was, and also, in fact, the Green Bay Packers didn't opt to play in Wisconsin because they loved us; they were just formed by a company that happened to have its business in Green Bay," people get all bent out of shape and say that makes no sense.

Then, when I tell them "Actually, I'm a fan of the Buffalo Bills," they inevitably follow with "Are you from Buffalo? New York? Out East?" all of which means, more or less "Did you at some point live in such geographical proximity that it makes sense for you to root for the Bills?"

That's all nonsense-- basing our sports fandom on where we live is ridiculous, especially when you consider that it means that people who live in St. Louis, for example, must now root for the St. Louis Rams, who were originally the Los Angeles Rams and then were the Anaheim Rams but now are the St. Louis Rams, and St. Louis fans cannot root for the Cardinals, because they moved. And it means that Baltimore residents must root for the Ravens, because they moved there, even if they hated the Ravens when the Ravens were the old Browns living in Cleveland.

And even if you justify that by saying "Well, sure, but the Cardinals moved from St. Louis and the Rams moved to there, so St. Louis residents should like the Cardinals," ask yourself if it makes more sense to be loyal to a geographic location than to a corporation or particular player.

Anyway, that's how I justify rooting for the Bills, and how I justified rooting for the Jets when Brett Favre played there and how I justified rooting for the Vikings when Favre played there, because I only live in Wisconsin because this is where my job is, and if I could move, I would, in second, and I would move to Hawaii, where I would be (presumably) free to pick whatever team I liked to root for, because there are no professional sports teams in Hawaii, which is yet another reason that Hawaii is the closest thing we'll ever have to paradise: If you live in Hawaii, you spend all your time in beautiful weather, with beautiful people, and beautiful surroundings, and you also get to say "I like the Buccaneers" without people acting like you're some sort of traitor.

Yes, the ability to root for the team of one's choice is
truly what makes Hawaii special.

This geographic proximity thing doesn't just mean people act all weird when I say to someone living in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, which is literally just across the Mississippi River from Minnesota "Why don't you root for the Vikings?" because they're closer to Minneapolis than Green Bay, meaning they let an arbitrary line, not even proximity, decide who they should like; it also affects what games I get to watch on TV, as network executives assume that because I live in Madison, Wisconsin, I would, on football weekends, prefer to watch the Detroit Lions beat up on Kansas City than to watch a close nailbiter of a game between Oakland and Buffalo: Detroit, you see, is in the NFC North, and they're closer to me than either Buffalo or Oakland, and since I must root for Green Bay because 148 years ago some old guys drew some boundaries around where my grandparents would eventually settle, I must also be more concerned with what happens in the NFC North than I am with what happens in Buffalo or Oakland.

Out of curiosity, I decided to check and see what games Hawaiians are allowed to watch on TV -- how networks would decide what Hawaiian NFL fans would want to see. I assumed, going in**

**My hypothesis, to use scientific terms, because I am a scientist as well as the Gandhi of sports bloggers

that they would get California teams, largely -- California being the state closest to Hawaii.

But I was wrong. The TV listings for Hawaii show that KGMB Hawaii, the CBS affiliate, is showing two games, one Pittsburgh at Houston, the other the Patriots at Raiders, which appear to be games picked out based on the time of day they're being played, as Hawaii is five hours (currently; they don't use daylight savings time) behind my schedule, so my noon games would air at 7 a.m. their time. Which would be a bit of a damper, having to get up early on Sunday to watch football.

I'm sure I'd find a way to adapt, though. I'm hardy like that.

Where were we? Oh, yeah: City names. I've about run out of time on this one, so let's give Milwaukee 1 point for being mentioned by Alice Cooper in Wayne's World,





Let's give Philadelphia 1 point for being the birthplace of freedom (Alice Cooper = freedom), let's give Arizona -1 for not being gutsy enough to pick a city in Arizona but having to hedge their bets by picking a whole state, and take away another point for being from Arizona in the first place.

And St. Louis? Ever wonder why we don't spell out the name of the city when we talk about it? St. Louis. It's an abbreviation. Is that the actual way the city's founders wanted it-- abbreviating the title of the city's namesake, and in such a way that we might sometimes think "Street Louis?" The official "Explore St. Louis" site calls it St. Louis, so apparently so. Apparently, the city is actually called "St.", not "Saint" Louis.

I don't like that. Zero points.





Score so far:

Milwaukee: 1
Philadelphia: 1
St. Louis: 0
Arizona: -2.


2. Craziest Fan on Youtube: As always, I choose these by going to Youtube, and putting in "Craziest _________ Fan" and seeing what comes up.

Milwaukee's in the the lead, so we'll begin with "Crazy Milwaukee Brewers Fan," where we get this:




That's a video, apparently, of some guy planking. I saw it was 3 minutes long and decided that I didn't have 3 minutes to spare to watch someone planking, since planking is over as a thing now that Republicans do it. Plus, the guy labeled the video "Greatest Plank Ever" and what little I did watch showed a serious inability to focus and/or hold the camera steady. I gave up 19 seconds in, once I saw the caption "Video Recording Via My Back Pocket."

-1, Milwaukee.

Then Crazy Philadelphia Phillies Fan: Where we find a fan being interviewed by someone who sounds like he's doing a bad version of an Australian accent.




And the stoked fan sounds even worse. Is that how Philadelphians sound? Do you imagine Ben Franklin sounded like that? And, for that matter, did the Founding Fathers who were from Boston have that stupid-sounding Boston accent? I'd hate to think that all our Constitutional debates actually sounded like they were being held exclusively by Cliff from Cheers.





But, while that guy was stoked, he was not crazy. 0 points, Phillies.

Crazy St. Louis Cardinals Fan gets us this as the top result as of my search -- I don't examine these, I just take whatever's number one on the list, trusting Youtube or Google or whoever determines that. Gandhi, maybe:





You know, again, that goes on for three and a half minutes. The longest any video on Youtube should be, period, is one minute. Unless you are Steven Spielberg, you cannot hold our attention for more than 1 minute on the Internet.

AND, I watched for 1:27, beyond the threshold that can be expected of any ordinary human being, and saw nothing crazy.

Also, why is threshold spelled threshold, and not thresh-hold? Ever wonder? Me, too.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, which should know, the word literally means a hold to the thresh, thresh being a "tread" or "trample":

O.E. þrescold, þærscwold, þerxold "doorsill, point of entering," first element related to O.E. þrescan (see thresh), with its original sense of "tread, trample." Second element of unknown origin and much transformed in all the Germanic languages; in English it probably has been altered to conform to hold, but the oft-repeated story that the threshold was a barrier placed at the doorway to hold the chaff flooring in the room is mere folk etymology. Cognates include O.N. þreskjoldr, Swed. tröskel, O.H.G. driscufli, Ger. dial. drischaufel.

So either way, the threshold was to hold back the thresh, and it doesn't make sense that we eliminated one of the hs in that word.

For not having a crazy fan at all but filming him for 3 1/2 minutes, -1. But for leading me to learn where we get the word threshold from, +2, St. Louis.

And, finally, Crazy Arizona Diamondbacks Fan gets us this guy:




who apparently is counterprotesting people protesting the Diamondbacks' game, doing so in classic Arizonan style: by attacking a minority. I'd say that's pretty crazy, but I think that's pretty emblematic of where Arizonans are at. -2 for being racist, Arizona.

Score so far:

Milwaukee: 0
Philadelphia: 1
St. Louis: 1
Arizona: -4.

3. The Strangest Fact About The Team's City: While Alice Cooper did a wonderful job of providing some background information about Milwaukee, it wouldn't be fair to make him do all my work for me, would it?

Maybe it would. Who knows? I'm not the arbiter of what's fair and what's not fair. That's for God to decide, when he's done making sure Kim Kardashian's marriage goes off without a hitch and Chynna Philips doesn't get eliminated on the first round of Dancing With The Stars. (In God's absence, fair is determined by Anderson Cooper

He looks like he'd be fair, doesn't he? Way more fair than Michael Keaton. I wonder if he's related to Alice Cooper? I should ask Alice. I should go ask Alice. Ha! Nothing like a Jefferson Airplane reference to bring in the kids.

The folks over at Milwacky.com (get it? I don't. Help me out, here.) lead off with the Alice Cooper quote from Wayne's World, though, so maybe I should've just let him do this post, after all, the way he's always bugging me to.

The site then notes that:

The Allen Bradley Clocktower

is one of Milwaukee’s most recognizable landmarks. The Guinness Book of World Records lists the Allen Bradley Clock as the largest four-faced clock in the world. It is actually four separate clocks, each with an octagonal face nearly twice the size of the clocks on London’s Big Ben Tower. The clock serves as an official navigation aid and is so designated on the maps of the United States Coast Guard.Plans to install chimes were canceled to allow Big Ben in London, England to remain the largest CHIMING four-faced clock in the world.

Which is to say: Milwaukee, you could have had the undisputed largest chiming four-faced clock tower in the U.S., thereby continuing the general supremacy the U.S. has enjoyed over the U.K. since 1776, and you let it slip out of your fingers like Stevie Johnson handling a touchdown pass? Did you forget that the Brits once tried to tax our TEA? And you then let them keep Big Ben as a record? You're worse than Benedict Arnold. -2.

Philadelphia fares a lot better: Not only do they not crib from me/Mike Myers, but they lead off the "Philadelphia Fun Facts" page with this exact quote:

In January, 1855 the principal attraction of a show at 13th Street and Market Streets, a grizzly bear, escaped from his cage and rampaged the streets for several hours. His victims included a horse, a mule, and finally a side of beef hanging in a butcher's shop. The bear was held at bay by local businessman with pitchforks until his owner was able to calm him down and lead him back to the theater by a rope.

I'd wondered how Philadelphia could so easily embrace Dog Killer McWhinypants as their quarterback, but the fact that they see a grizzly bear attack as a fun fact answers a lot of my questions. Still, there's no denying that's a pretty awesome fact. +2.

St. Louis, meanwhile, claims to be the birthplace of the ice cream cone, but people say that paper and metal cones were in use in Europe before that, making the euro only the second dumbest thing ever invented in Europe. There were about 50 ice cream cone vendors at the St. Louis World's Fair, which raises to mind two questions:

1. What ever happened to world's fairs? Do they still have them?
and

3. Did someone ever invent an edible ice cream cone with handles?

The answers, in reverse order, are: Yes: According to this site, while edible cones were reported in the late 1800s in Germany, most people did not use edible cones. Instead, they used paper cones called "hokey pokeys," which seems like it should lead me down an entirely new area of research and believe me it is taking all of my willpower to not go google that and see if that's where the dance comes from, but all that changed in part due to Italo Marchiony, who, in true American fashion, had a brilliant idea and profited from it handsomely, building a dynasty of generosity and wealth for his family and community.

Just kidding! According to that same site, Marchiony invented the waffle cone but never saw a dime of profit from it:

1903 - On September 20, 1903, Italo Marchiony (1868-1954), an Italian immigrant living in New York, NY, filed a patent application for a "molding apparatus for forming ice-cream cups and the like." U.S. Patent No. 746,971 was issued to him on December 15, 1903. His patent drawings show a mold for shaping small cups, complete with tiny handles - not a cone. His invention in his patent application is described as:

"This invention relates to molding apparatus, and particularly such molding apparatus as is used in the manufacture of ice-cream cups and the like."

Marchiony always insisted that he had been making cones since 1896 where he sold his homemade ice cream (lemon ice) from a pushcart (hokey-pokey) on Wall Street in New York. He originally used liquor glasses to serve his ice cream in.

To reduce his overhead, caused by customers breaking or wandering off with his serving glasses, he baked edible waffle. While the waffles were still warm, he folded them into the shape of a cup (with sloping sides and a flat bottom). His waffle cups made him the most popular vendor on Wall Street and soon afterward, he had a chain of 45 carts operated by men he hired.

When cones became popular after the 1904 St. Louis Fair, Marchiony tried to protect his patent through legal channels but failed. Since Marchiony's patent was for only the specific mold construction and there were lots of other ways to mold cones, his patent was not much good. Marchiony's ice cream and wafer company thrived at in Hoboken, New Jersey until his plant was destroyed by fire in 1934.

He retired from his business in 1938. It wasn't until Marchhiony's obituary was printed in the New York Times on October 29, 1954, that this story was made public.

So Marchiony was the first patent troll. Also, I heard later on that the Winklevoss twins sued him, too.

The other question(s), about the World's Fair, are answered thusly: Yes. Worldsfairs.com, which should know, says that there are expos planned for 2012 and 2015, and apparently one just finished in Shanghai. Although it's equally possible that WorldsFair.com is simply claiming credit for the China Olympics. Didn't they just happen, too?

I'm pretty sure something about
China has been in the news in the
past few years. Beyond how they own
the United States, that is.

That's all of a lot of credit to give St. Louis, but credit where credit is due: for inventing the ice cream cone, and hosting the Shanghai Olympic World Fair, +5. But for bankrupting poor Italo, -2.

And, finally, Arizona. (*sighs.*). Do we really care? Fine. Here's the number 2 fact on "Arizona Fast Facts and Trivia":

The Arizona trout is found only in the Arizona.

Great. Are you happy? Number one on that site was the politically-charged "fact" about Arizona hating unions, which, if you're keeping track of "things Arizonans hate" you've probably used up all your computer memory by now. 0 points.

Updated Scores:
Milwaukee: -2
Philadelphia: 3
St. Louis: 4
Arizona: -4.

And, finally, it's 4. Weirdest Thing For Sale In Their Pro Shop, my favorite part of this System.

Over at the Milwaukee Brewers' shop, I was tempted to go with the cookbook from baseball's biggest stars, but I couldn't stop staring at this:




That's "Jews and Baseball: An American Love Story." And it's presumably required viewing for the discriminating Milwaukee Brewers fan, not least because the blurb for the film seems to allow Jewish people to take credit for Jackie Robinson making it into the game. Plus, anything deemed "Classy!" by Sports Illustrated ought to be an automatic purchase. +1 for including Larry King. He needs the work.

The Phillies class things up a bit: No DVDs narrated by only a two-time Oscar winner for them. No, over in Philadelphia, the discerning fan will not be without one of these:




The $289.99 24KT gold baseball (in glass case.). You may ask "Why is this gold baseball so unique?" And if you did, you'd see the Phillies have anticipated that very question:

Why is this gold baseball so unique? Its all in the leather...literally. 24-karat gold is artfully infused into the leather, which is then used to build the baseball to precise Major League® standards. This patented process of infusing gold into leather is the unique technology mastered by the Italian company, Mi Piaci S.r.L. an exclusive affiliate of Gold Sport Collectibles. The proprietary and 100% environmentally-friendly process known as Precious Surface™, fills the leather with 24-karat gold yet leaves the leather feeling soft and untreated. Using this 24-karat leather, each ball is then built to official Major League® specifications, stamped with an official team logo and placed into a vivid display case.

You know what that made me think? That it will not be long before one of the Kardashians is wearing Gold Leather Pants with real gold, and at that point my brain will simply stop caring about humanity altogether. +3 for the image of Khloe Kardashian wearing gold-infused leather, though.

St. Louis goes for a different element altogether: Dirt.
That's the Steiner Sports Map With Game Used Dirt from 30 Parks, and for just $349.99 you can see what the dirt in each of 30 major league baseball fields looks like, hanging on your wall. (The look on your wife's face when you put that over the mantle? Priceless.)

I'm actually surprised, as I think about it, that you cannot pay someone to scatter your ashes over all the Major League Ballparks. Wouldn't that be a money-maker for a funeral home? The Major League Funeral: Send your loved one off in style: We'll pack up the ashes in 32 different collectible containers and provide you with tickets to each of the games, plus a touring bus or airline tickets. Say goodbye to your baseball fan by sprinkling him over the field at every park in the Majors, and keep the collectible urns as a tangible reminder of that thing he loved more than you.

You may chuckle, at first, but you know that at least fifty people just went and googled that to see if they could order that package. In a world where you can already get team-endorsed urns, my idea is a gold mine. (I've got dibs.) The poster is stupid, but it might just help me start a new business that'll let me move to Hawaii, so +3, St. Louis!

Then last, and least, is Arizona, and not just because the state is entirely populated with racists, but also because they want to sell you a canvas replica of the All-Star Game ticket blown up to giant size,



for $89.99. You know, in case you want a faux-art reminder of the time all those awesome baseball players from other teams put on a near-meaningless game in the state where you happen to live! For $89.99! For being racist, -1. For being dumb, -1.

Updated Scores:
Milwaukee: -1
Philadelphia: 6
St. Louis: 7
Arizona: -5

And there you go: The System says the NL entrant in the World Series is St. Louis! You're welcome, and don't forget to pre-order your Major League Cremains Send-Off. Supplies are limited.

Somewhere, in Heaven, the angels are singing the praises of throwing off your back foot. (Brett Favre Legacy Update!)

From Slate:

OK, so I finally watched Redskins-Cowboys, which wasn't a professional football game so much as three hours of grown men writing Tony Romo's name all over their Trapper Keepers. Is Romo now on that Favre-ish plane of existence where everything he does gets accompanied by cherubim and harp music and Ed Werder?

When we last saw Brett's reputation, people were speculating that he might end up doing time in Miami, and he was, in terms of importance, caught between a serial killer and sludge.

But now, in the same span of time that saw Tony Romo go from being "the guy who can't handle a snap in a playoff game" to the "gutsy" "warrior" who inspires other players to get into the game, we've seen Favre elevated beyond the scandals of Croc-Gate to a heavenly plane of existence.

What a difference a little retirement makes. Last year, Romo would likely have snapped your head off if you said his play was Favre-like. (It was, in almost every sense of that word.) This year, saying the same thing makes Romo at the least a virtue to Favre's seraphim.

Also, I didn't know who Ed Werder was until I googled him. Turns out he has very little to do with Heaven at all, but did once get caught in the middle of a "controversy" that shows how little ESPN/sports reporting has to do with "journalism," and also demonstrates how difficult it is for reporters to have to kowtow to the people they report on, lest they be excluded from getting information to report.

(For the record, I didn't create the shirt shown on this post. But I would have.)

Thank god for T.G.I. FRiDAY'S, if you'll pardon the redundancy.

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of T.G.I. FRiDAY'S for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

Because we have 5-year-old twins, Sweetie and I do not often get to go out to eat – at least, not to places that do not have a slide in them and offer “value sized” meals.  Which means that we spend a lot of time eating things that come in paper packets.

Which, honestly, I’m mostly okay with. I’m not fancy.  But I do sometimes want something a little better, and I want Sweetie to have the best in life, so I was actually pretty excited to hear about the new line of T.G.I. FRiDAY’S “Entrées for One”.

I’ve actually eaten at T.G.I. FRiDAY’S a lot – I took Sweetie to one on a date way back when we were young and still went on dates to places, and I’ve always loved their food.  And now I can get it frozen and ready to make – nine kinds of things that I used to have to go to T.G.I. FRiDAY’S and order, but now I can have Sweetie get them while grocery shopping and we can make them at home.

Which is perfect, because we actually do “dates at home” where we’ll put the boys to bed a little early, make dinner, and watch a movie or talk uninterruptedly while we eat dinner that’s not peanut-butter-and-jelly based, and with the T.G.I. FRiDAY’S frozen entrees, we can get delicious food and not have all the mess and time for preparation.

And they’ve got things like their chicken fajitas,

which were always one of my favorites – plus 8 others.

What’s especially cool is that T.G.I. FRiDAY’S is having a Fun Freezer contest to make things more fun for everyone.  They’re asking you (and me, and that other guy)(yeah, even him) to decorate your freezer with a little “flair” and then send them the picture over on Facebook:

www.facebook.com/TGIFridaysFre…

and if you do that, they’ll give you a chance to win some really cool prizes, like a home theater makeover, which would be perfect for date night, so do me a favor. Enter, but don’t really try hard so that I can win.  You’ll do that for me, right?

Musical celebrations of mediocrity and Ivy Leaguers! (So They Made A [Couple of ] Song[s] About Sports)

The Buffalo Bills, just in time for their planned move to Toronto, have released and are eagerly tweeting about a new song celebrating their heritage:

Called "Red, White, and Blue," the song, written by Tom Sartori, celebrates everything good about the Buffalo Bills, while ignoring O.J. Simpson, Rob "Mr Glass" Johnson, and glossing over the four Super Bowl losses.

Sartori won the "Buffalo Solo Artist of the Year" award for 2010, and finances his music career with his prowess at Texas Hold 'Em poker, according to his website.

In case you're wondering, the actual sports-announcer clips in the video are (so far as I can tell?) Joe Ferguson throwing a touchdown to beat the Dolphins 17-7 in the season opener in 1980 -- the fans tore down the goal posts because the Bills hadn't beaten the team in 10 years, apparently (according to these guys, who seem to know.)

The other clip is the week 2 win this year, over the Raiders, which, yeah, nice game and nice to start 2-0, but, really, in all these years, you couldn't find two clips of games that meant something? Nothing from the Greatest Comeback in Playoff History? Not Don Beebe knocking that ball out of Leon Lett's hands? Two touchdown passes in two regular season games are the highlights for all time of Buffalo?

(What's sad is, yeah, they mostly are?)

And, yeah, I know they lost four Super Bowls in a row, but Jim Kelly deserves more than a sentence fragment. And no Flutie at all? I understand leaving out Alex Van Pelt, but no Flutie? He only got you to the playoffs, twice, and might be remembered better had Thrice-Failed Wade Philips not then handed the game over to Mr Glass to lose.

That's not the only Bills song out there. There's also "The Amish Rifle" by The Jambrones:

I like it: "We're believin' in his beard." To which you gave credit for ending the lockout? Okay. I also liked the ranking of Fitzy's beard versus famous Bibilical beards. Those old-time Bible guys knew how to beard it out.

While we're on the subject, he's lost the beard, hasn't he? I think he has. Or at least trimmed it down, based on his profile picture here. Too bad; you didn't see Obi Wan shaving his beard.

Also, want to hear the absolute worst rap ever?

All you drunk guys who try rapping? That is what you sound like. Not Eminem. That. Stop it.

You beat Miami. Big Deal. (SNAP! Judgment!)

Welcome to the first installment of Snap! Judgment -- my review of the NFL weekend based on the roughly 7% of my time/intellect/devastating good looks that I devoted to football over the weekend.

Snap! Judgment is going to be a (hopefully?) weekly feature during the NFL season in which I give you a one-sentence review of how each team in the NFL is doing, based on what I know about them at that time. We'll see how it works as time goes on.

This week, of course, my Snap! Judgment was made all the harder by the fact that I didn't actually watch any NFL games yesterday; I, and hopefully you and everyone else remembered to Walk Out On Week Three! to help protest the fact that half of our society lives on less than $46,000 per year while the NFL pays out $2 billion in salaries each year. It's okay if you didn't do that, this year; I intend to make it a regular thing for my whole life, and every movement, even Gandhi's, had to start somewhere, so, you heard it here first: I am the Gandhi of sports bloggers.

On with Snap! Judgment, which I'll do in alphabetical order so that you can easily find "your" team.

Arizona Cardinals: I saw where they lost to Seattle. Big surprise; they start a quarterback who couldn't beat out Now Failing At The Vikings McNabb or Whiny McDogKiller, then paid $120 million to a receiver nobody'd ever heard of and who sucks. Get used to more losing.

Atlanta Falcons: The league's most boring team lost to Tampa Bay. Good. The less we hear about the Falcons, the less likely I am to nod off while driving.

Baltimore Ravens: Big deal. You beat up on the Rams.

Buffalo Bills: How bad are things in Buffalo? A 3-0 start and snapping a 15-game losing streak to Belicheat's Patriots* had radio announcer Brian Baldinger declaring the Bills' win yesterday as "the greatest moment since the Jim Kelly era ended" for Buffalo. He's probably right. As a Bills fan for the past 21 years, I've got this to say: Started 5-0 in 2004 and missed the playoffs. They started 4-0 in 2008, and missed the playoffs. I wear my Bills' jersey and dutifully keep my fingers crossed, but I'm not holding my breath.

Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton got his first win; that ought to keep those Heisman Trophy repo guys at bay for at least another week.

Chicago Bears: Way to go, Packers! Your game plan to have Chicago receivers repeatedly drop passes that were right on the money, and it worked brilliantly.

Cincinnati Bengals: Apparently exist?

Cleveland Browns: You beat Miami. Barely. And Miami's not even trying. Can you blame them? If you lived in Miami, would you spend your time playing football? Me, neither.

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo, following up on the courageous performance last week that saw him winning the game and critics' hearts, has plans to this week wrestle an alligator in the second quarter, and will then donate all his stem cells to fight cancer at halftime, making the fact that he's terrible but sometimes lucks into a win completely irrelevant.




Denver Broncos: They lost, right? Bring on Tebow! You might still lose, but at least Denver fans would have a chance at being Raptured.

Detroit Lions: They won, right? I understand they keep Matt Stafford bubble-wrapped in a special shipping crate in between games.

Green Bay Packers: I'm not worried about the Packers' defense. Then again, I'm not a Green Bay Packer. I'm just a football fan, and so I lose zero sleep over things like "team defenses." I spend no more time worrying about whether "my" team's defense is any good than I do worrying about whether those Nazis in Saving Private Ryan might shoot Tom Hanks. It's entertainment.

If I were a Packer, though, I'd probably be up nights, either studying film or praying that God continues to let opposing receivers simply not pay attention when the ball is thrown to them.

But if I were a Packer, I also might be even more worried about what The Anointed One does at halftime; whatever's going on, A-Rodg has terrible second halves more often than not. Yesterday, Green Bay's first half possessions went TD, Punt, Punt, TD, Field goal. Their second-half efforts were Punt, FG, Punt, TD, Int, Punt, Punt. They put up 232 net yards on their first-half drives, and 148 on second-half work.

Just a thought.

Houston Texans: Remember, the Immutable Rules Of Football, as I once pointed out and will someday re-post, say that Houston will not be very good. That rule is Immutable.

Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning is a saint for not having taken more money than any other NFL player ever, instead settling for just the same amount of money the other players get paid. Of course, Peyton Manning also knew that his neck was giving him trouble and tied up all that salary cap money anyway... so, bring on Tebow!

Jacksonville Jaguars: Defended against Cam Newton better than the Green Bay Packers. Sure, they had the rain helping them, but still...

Kansas City Chiefs: I'm going to stubbornly stick by my pick for the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl this year, but for God's sake, losing to San Diego makes it tough to do that, Chiefs.

Miami Dolphins: Reggie Bush sure is funny in those Pizza Hut commercials, isn't he? Oh, he isn't? Never mind.

Minnesota Vikings: Vikings: You thought you couldn't do worse than an injured, scandal-ridden Brett Favre. You thought wrong. Donovan McNabb: You thought you couldn't do worse than the Eagles. Ditto.

New England Patriots: The Bills picked off Tom Brady* four times yesterday, in less than three quarters of play. Brady* had only four picks all last year. Looks like someone didn't take his DVDs home to study this week.

New Orleans Saints: You had to get into the third quarter before taking the lead against the Texans. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home.

New York Giants: I saw something on the NFL show I blearily watched at 2:00 a.m. after Mr Bunches woke me up to make me re-start the movie Monster House which he wanted to watch... at 2:00 a.m. ... that made me think you did good, and you won, so there you go.

New York Jets: You lost to Oakland, which almost makes it look as though the Bills earned that first-place spot. But let's blame this on Sanchez, anyway.

Oakland Raiders: I just realized, I don't know anything about the Raiders: not who their coach is, their quarterback, a single player on their roster, nothing. If I hadn't looked to see if they won yesterday, I wouldn't even know that.

Philadelphia Eagles: Oh, Poor Michael Vick! You want more protection from the refs! Because you made your reputation (football-wise) as a scrambling quarterback, but would rather not be treated as such! You know, saying "I'm not going to complain about it" while complaining about it seems hypocritical. But, then, so does you complaining about how easy it is to get hurt in your chosen profession. At least you have a choice and can quit if you don't like it -- and at least nobody electrocutes you if you lose a game.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Insert standard commentary: Something, something, Roethlisberger sexual harassment, something else.

San Diego Chargers: Congratulations! You won a game! Put together 9 more of those and you'll be all set to lose in your first-round playoff game. But at least you'll be at home when you do it.

San Francisco 49ers: As a fan of a team, do you feel better, or worse, knowing that you only need seven wins to make the playoffs in your division? I go with worse.

Seattle Seahawks: I'm sure the fact that his team stinks only in part because it has Tarvaris Jackson at QB is made easier to bear by the fact that horrible human being Paul Allen has the kind of money that allows him to spend $160,000,000 on a boat. Don't think about how many children starved last year for lack of money while Paul Allen, horrible human being, drove around on his $160,000,000 boat. Just keep on buying those Seahawk jerseys.

St. Louis Rams: Nice garbage-time touchdown, Sam Bradford. Really earning that guaranteed $50 million. Say, I wonder how much of that money could've been used to buy some defensive players? Other Rams players -- maybe start whispering that in the locker room.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The NFC South is yours for the taking, because nobody has paid Cam Newton's dad enough money to make Cam actually win the division yet.

Tennessee Titans: New coach, new QB, lost their number 1 receiver to injury yesterday, and they're 2-1. "We're gonna take this division, and we're gonna win it..."

Washington Redskins: Rex Grossman is one of my all-time favorite quarterbacks ever -- because he admitted, a few years back, that he doesn't take games that don't matter all that seriously. Anyone who thinks he was wrong to say that ought to look at just how much time they spent at work looking at stuff on the Internet.

Your Monday Night Football Matchup:

Cowboys:

vs.

Redskins:

50 foot woman spotted over Mississippi!

If you like science fiction, you'll definitely want to know about "Pressure Suite," the new e-anthology of science fiction books. Featuring ten all-new stories, ranging in length from 3500 to 7500 words, this is like getting a collection of science fiction books all in one shot.

Pressure Suite is the third release in the Digital Science Fiction Anthology Series and this installment features stories like the instant classic "50-Foot Woman Over Redgunk, Mississippi" by William R. Eakin, among other known and up-and-coming authors. Plus it's priced at just $3.99 on your Kindle or from Smashwords.

These stories aren't run-of-the-mill sci-fi stories -- the collection is getting rave reviews and you won't be sorry you bought them.

... (The I Should Have A Catchy Title For Posts Like This Post)

Time again to clear out my notes -- all the little things I jotted down as potentially being post-worthy only to not be post-worthy at all.

As usual, I'll be giving you what I wrote down, then an explanation of what it means:

Dancing: God helped Chynna: The other day, as I was waking up and getting ready for work, the local ABC affiliate morning news covered Dancing With The Stars, and Chynna Philips (if that's how her name is spelled. I don't care to look it up and see if that's right. There should only be one way of spelling Philips, if only because it would make things easier for me.) Chynna said something to the effect of God was helping her dance the night before, and even though ballroom dancing is more of a sport than fishing, it's still not really a sport (or maybe it is; I've never weighed in on that officially on this blog, which determines what is and isn't a sport), but I like to make note of who it is God likes and what sports God bothers to weigh in on, so I was going to post about it...

... but I couldn't find a clip or the quote anywhere the other day when I was looking for it, and without being able to verify it, I eventually gave up.

Even her Twitter feed was no help -- she didn't seem to thank God on there or note for her 5,656 followers that God had supported her in the pas de deux [that's a dancing term, right? Again - -don't care to look it up.] But she did share a Tweet with Danny Masterson, saying she wanted to see his new studio because she "bet[s] it's sick."

In case you're wondering what Danny Masterson is up to, he seems to spend his time saying the word "penis" to his mom, making fun of people in Winnipeg who go to Red Lobster, and telling people to vote for Chynna Philips on DWTS.

GIFSoup

Bills Best Looking: The Boy mentioned to me a while back that the Buffalo Bills, currently 2-0 and looking to have a bigger collapse than the time they started the season 5-0 and missed the playoffs, were voted the "best looking" team in football. And it seems to be true: The Wall Street Journal commissioned a study to determine what the best-looking football team in America is, based upon facial symmetry.

And the Bills won... statistically speaking:

At the Journal's request, researchers at Ursinus College in Pennsylvania analyzed the facial structure of a sampling of 320 NFL starters (five offensive and five defensive players from each team). They also threw in two of the most photographed personalities on any team, the owner and the head coach.

To measure each subject's attractiveness, the researchers analyzed their photograph with a computer program that measures facial symmetry, or how closely the two halves of a person's face match up. Research suggests this is a reliable measure of how attractive a person is perceived to be. It also suggests that looks are a fair predictor of a person's career success. A 1994 study found that more-attractive "symmetrical" people are paid about 5% more than the average person while more homely "asymmetrical" people earn up to 10% less.

GIFSoup

In other words, if your face a misshapen lump, you'll make less money, and be less likely to play for the Buffalo Bills, whose 10 randomly chosen starters won out -- while the Kansas City Chiefs (still my pick to win the Super Bowl this year) were deemed the NFL's ugliest.

The poll also found that NFL players are 10% more attractive -- assuming that symmetry = attractive, which isn't always the case -- than the general population and the most attractive of athletes in general.

I assume that they didn't factor the Swedish Bikini Team into that mix.

What sport did they play again? Doesn't matter.

The most attractive players in the survey? Not quarterbacks -- kickers. But who wants to date a kicker? Nobody, that's who.

Especially not the Swedish Bikini team.

By the way: The Wall Street Journal is hopelessly behind the times. Everyone knows that facial symmetry is nothing; smell symmetry is where it's at, now.

Bethany College Men's Golf Team: Speaking of nudity -- okay, I wasn't, really, but aren't we all only ever about 3 seconds away from speaking of nudity?-- I was listening to Dan Savage's Savage Love podcast (where do you get your sports news?) when he mentioned that the Bethany College men's golf team had been suspended for having nude photos taken of them.

Only that's not nude, is it? Didn't matter to Bethany College. The team's coach ended up suspending all the players for 1 game, and they had to write letters of apology.

That's what every website reported, anyway -- but I dig deeper, even on those posts that I didn't actually care enough about to post until it made it into "...". Because I and only I ask the hard questions about sports, questions like "Why did that one baseball player actually have a Yoda backpack?" and now questions like:

Who did the Bethany College golf team have to apologize to?

Seriously? Their coach? Their fans? Their moms? Who? Inquiring minds want to know.

And inquiring minds have settled on the most likely answer: Either themselves, or student government. According to the Bethany College Manual, violations of the rules by a club may result in a hearing, with sanctions including a letter of apology to the club or the Student Government Association.

So now I want to know if the coach held a hearing -- he'd be the complainant, according to the policy book as I read it. If there was no hearing, I think forcing the nearly-nudes to write a letter of apology might well violate their due process rights. Bethany College Men's Team -- call your lawyers!

Chargers Wine: No, that's not a misspelling, although it could easily be mistaken for one the way Chargers fans pout everytime you point out to them that their quarterback is actually worse than Mark Sanchez.

Instead, it's a note that you can now buy "Chargers Legacy," a new "limited-edition" wine that's being offered "for the first time in the team's storied 50-year history." The Executive VP who (probably?) okayed the deal because he wanted to be part of San Diego's Finer Things Club had this to say:

“We think our fans will enjoy having a bottle of Chargers Legacy wine for any occasion as well as on game days,” said Chargers Executive Vice President - CEO A.G. Spanos. “It’s a very versatile wine that we think maintains the integrity and character of our team. “It’s important to us that anything we put our name on is first class."

Those who've read this blog for a while know that I'm something of a connoisseur of pro shops -- so I was ready to take up the gauntlet thrown down by "A.G." Spanos.

And speaking of first class, nothing says "hoi polloi" like your own Chargers Gnome!

Yes, when you think San Diego and classy, you either think whale's vagina:

Or you think gnome wearing a Chargers' visor, which you can get for the clearance price of $16.99. And just look at all these features! From the website -- the Chargers' First-Class website:

They do exist! Place this San Diego Chargers Gnome Bank anywhere to bring luck to your team and a smile to your face. This hand painted gnome features a slot to store your savings.
Rubber stopper on bottom for easy access to your funds
Non-skid rubber pads to keep your gnome from running off

Get it? To keep from running off. Cute!

My favorite part is how the number one selling point on the Charger Gnome is that it "features a slot to store your savings." Your lesser -- second-class and below -- banks don't have any way to get your money into them, but the Chargers, they thought of everything.

(On the other hand, the Clearance Store also features this:

Nothing second-class about that. Look how symmetrical they are!)

Everytime you retweet a joke from Wonderella, an angel gets its wings. (RE: What You Said)

RE: What You Said is my across-my-blog response to comments from the week before.

What a week it was! Eating Twinkies, taking on Senators... that was prett
y much it. Here we go with the best of the comments from the past week:

My Post in the Is This Art? category on The Best Of Everything about the new vid

eogame I

'm strangely addicted to, The Artist Is Present, drew two comments:

Stephen Hayes, writer/illustrator, thought perhaps I might not make it quite all the way to a jillion dollars with my plan to let you smash the things I make:

Yours is an interesting idea, but it might be hard to convert it into a jillion bucks. I remember another great idea, a seventeen hour film by Andy Warhol that, if memory serves, was called "The Fly." In the film, the fly lands on the forehead of a nude woman lying on her back. We watch for hours as the fly inches over her body, which becomes a gigantic landscape through the fly's perspective. The problem with this and many POP Art ideas is that the idea is more interesting than the result. But keep the ideas coming. I have faith that your jillion dollar idea is right around the corner. By the way, I walked out of the theater showing the Warhol film after only two hours.

Stephen despite the fact that you admittedly walked out of a movie featuring a

naked woman and therefore lose 1/2 your credibility hit points, I think you'

re onto something there: What if you and I collaborate on an art project where we sit in a museum and tell people our POP art ideas for money? We'll make a jillion dollars!

Also: Stephen, you really don't own a cell phone? I hope you at least keep a sharp stick near the mouth of the cave to stick in that T. Rex's mouth when it comes around. And

say hi to Will and Holly for me.

Rogue Mutt, meanwhile, ought to be in charge of designing video games, as he gets it

To be a successful video game the object should be to kill everyone in line and then destroy all the paintings.

I tried doing that, but I lost my place in line, and then had to go to Milwaukee for a court hearing and ended the game for the day.

I also drew comments on the culmination of what might be the greatest thing I've ever done in my life*

*Twinkie category only

when I ate a Twinkie that I'd unwrapped and set on a paper plate on my desk at work 100 days ago, and touched the face of God:

Writer Michael Offutt, who did his best to warn me away from this, said:

That's gross. I'm glad you didn't get sick. I like how in the video you described it as having the consistency of a vanilla wafer. Dropping it all those times though was unnecessary. We already knew it was as hard as a brick.

I had to drop it, though, Michael, so that nobody would think I'd switched out the Twinkie; there are people out there who I'm sure would love to manufacture a scandal and bring me down from the heady pinnacle of fame I've achieved as someone who gets upwards of three comments a week sometimes just by blogging pictures of his sons playing with lockers. I know I've got a target on my back. That's why I always sit facing the door.

Except now, I realized; my desk at home has my back to the door. I've been in peril all these years!

Reporter Anna, on the other hand, not only didn't appear to take offense at my calling shenanigans on a Taco Bell robbery story this week (I wasn't blaming WKOW, Anna, but the lying victim), she also supported my decision to give my taste buds, and perhaps my entire consciousness, for SCIENCE:

that was pretty great. glad you didn't die. another victory in the name of science!

I agree, Anna. In the annals of science, it is, so far as I can tell:

1. The guy who invented fire. (Prometheus, I believe.)

2. Marie Curie, who is the only woman scientist ever.

3. Isaac Newton, for inventing the catflap.

4. Me.

5. A bunch of other people including my 11th grade science teacher Mr Hassemer, who taught us, in chemistry class, that the greatest invention mankind ever came up with was the "blood groove" in an arrowhead.

Finally for this week,

Rogue Mutt, blogger/author, commented on my post So You Were Once Third In Line For The Presidency? Here's $4.5 million detailing how former House speakers get $900,000 (or more?) per year to run an office that does nothing by saying

The problem is there's no way to stop them since we're expecting them to police themselves. The same reason there aren't term limits or campaign finance reform.

I disagree, though: there is a way to stop them. We police them, only people get all up in arms over Netflix changing the name for one service it provides while not caring that $1,000,000 per year to a former speaker is about an equivalent tax to what Netflix did when they raised their rates. According to the last Census, there are 112,000,000 households in the U.S. Denny Hastert cost each household $1.

Netflix's rate increase was $4 for my service. A service I choose voluntarily. This week, I used Netflix to watch a past episode of Better Off Ted and my boys watched Follow That Bird and Yo Gabba Gabba. I got something for the $4 I chose to voluntarily continue paying.

I got nothing out of the $1 I paid Dennis Hastert to drive his SUV to look at a painting of himself. And I couldn't opt out of that one.

I'm not talking about policing politicians by voting, either; you only get to vote every so often. But in the last two weeks, I've called Senators and Congressmen and tweeted to their followers and talked to my coworkers and mentioned on my blogs issues ranging from the Autism Funding bill to gay marriage. (I have. It was subtle, but it was there.)

Part of why I hate people -- you'll want this answer, Michael Offutt - -is because so little attention is paid to important stuff. I spent time the past two weeks repeatedly tweeting links to stories which show four Senators apparently trying to allow scientific research grants to be more easily directed to their campaign contributors. And you know what got retweeted the most of all the things I said?

A couple of jokes about the Facebook update.

And the point of my story wasn't just autism research -- it was (as Rogue got) equally about Why are Senators allowed to stop a bill that is wanted and needed just to benefit the Koch Brothers, and why don't people care?

I get it: Things are funny, you pass them on. But it takes a second to retweet an important message, too, and precious few people do that, making me wonder how many clicked the links to even read the story itself. (And, no, I don't read every link in Twitter, either.)

The point is, people have to pay attention to the real stuff. It's okay to be upset about Ewoks blinking, I suppose -- but not until after you've gotten upset that House Republicans are playing games with disaster relief funding and tying up the government again, and that they did it quickly in hopes of messing up our economy more... and then taking a vacation.

I have a rule regarding what I think of as frivolous spending: if I spend money on something dumb or unnecessary, like the time we took our cat to the hospital, I give an equal amount to a charity or someone needy.

I think the same thing should apply to tweets, blog posts, and life: Every time you retweet a joke from Wonderella, retweet a link to a story you consider important, too.

And, thanks to all those people who DID retweet my stuff about the important things; I hope you've downloaded your Smilin' Mr F Badge:

Also, by all means, retweet Wonderella's jokes. She's hilarious.

I like to think I don't pay attention to all that slick Madison Avenue stuff...

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Straight Talk for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.

I ordinarily do not put much stock in customer testimonials like this:

Any more than I do funny commercials like this:

Or videos like this, either:

Or videos like this, either:

But in this case, I fell for them Hook, line and sinker because what they’re talking about is Straight Talk, and I know a little something about that already.

Straight Talk is a no contract/no surprise bill/no termination fee/ no activation fee/ no credit check nationwide cell phone plan. You get a great cell phones from a name brand providers like Nokia or Samsung or Motorola and they give you unlimited talk/text/data, everything you … for as low as $45 a month.

Yep: Phones starting at $10, plans for as little as $15, or you can get unlimited everything for less than $500 a year for a smart phone or video phone or Android on Straight Talk, or whatever it is you want. Plus free 411 and long-distance and rollover minutes, and you can switch plans every month if you want.

But best of all is that price: It’s $45 a month for everything you want. And that’s WAY cheaper than I’m paying now. I could save, I bet, $100 a month on my cell phones, easy, by going with Straight Talk, and that’s why I listened to those commercials – because $100 a month is like having a whole extra week’s pay. It’s a vacation for my family, almost -- $1200 will get you pretty far, and I’ll be able to use my phone wherever it is I go.

So if you didn’t look at those videos, go back and look at them again. Then go get yourself a Straight Talk phone and first thing you do, use it to Call a friend and tell HER to get one, too.

Aaron Rodgers Doesn't Like Mark Sanchez (but lots of sports people like my blog.)

The list of people Packers QB A-Rodg doesn't like continues to grow. Rodgers, who doesn't like almost anything, now doesn't like Jets QB Mark Sanchez:

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was shown a copy of the [Issue of GQ where Mark Sanchez posed in a fashion spread] during an interview with ESPN Milwaukee, and he didn’t try to conceal his contempt.

“Look at this,” Rodgers said. “That’s embarrassing. Page 94 of the GQ thing here. That’s terrible.”

This is the picture Rodgers was commenting on:

What's interesting to note, actually, is that Rodgers is just the latest of people to jump on my bandwagon and pile on Sanchez: After I rated Sanchez as the second-worst starter in the NFL and pointed out that while both he and Tebow are equally likely to miss passes, ESPN never ripped on Sanchez because the Jets are good for business and Christian third-stringers are not, it's now become fashionable to take down Sanchez.

On August 20, ESPN asked "Is Mark Sanchez bad for his receivers?", forums are asking "How bad is Mark Sanchez," and a Daily News writer on September 14 said Mark Sanchez was playing at a lower level than last year.

Is he? Or is everyone just jumping on my bandwagon, as Bill Simmons has done so often that he now has a season pass to my opinions?

Let's look at the evidence:

First, Christopher Harris, the ESPN writer who thought, on August 20, that Sanchez was "bad for his receivers." Turns out Harris likes Sanchez -- On September 11 he wrote:

I've been making a case for Mark Sanchez as at least having the opportunity for a breakout season, though whether he makes good on his promise comes down to improving his accuracy substantially. He'll get a nice first matchup.

Now, granted, Harris is a fantasy football writer, which is one step removed, accountability/intelligence-wise from real sports writer, in terms of impact on the world and need to be correct or consistent, but to say that he's been touting Sanchez's prospects goes completely against what Harris wrote just two weeks earlier in his preview:

It would be foolish for me to dismiss the possibility Sanchez could turn a corner this year. It sometimes happens, though historically the odds are somewhat against him....

So yes, while I do think the Jets will throw it enough for Holmes, Burress and Mason to theoretically have good fantasy seasons, and while I rate Holmes as a top-20 fantasy option, I do think these receivers are at least in part held hostage by Sanchez.

So to be clear: Harris, at ESPN, thought in August that Sanchez was going to be bad, but thought in Week 1 that he'd have a good game against the Cowboys -- and Harris (in a post you can't find anymore) once touted Sanchez as an immediate starter.

How about The Daily News' announcement that after two weeks Sanchez was statistically worse than last year -- which is the storyline that sports "writers" have decided to go with: "Sanchez was terrible his rookie year, but he was a rookie. Last year he improved, and we loved him, but this year we no longer like him because he's taking a step back."

(That's how they try to believe they're not taking their leads from a midwestern lawyer who only blogs about sports in between attempting to eat Immortal Twinkies.)

In 2009, Sanchez ranked 29th by quarterback rating (63.0), 29th by passes attempted per game (24.3), 28th in yards per game (162.9), and 29th in completion percentage (53.8).

In 2010, he was 27th in quarterback rating (75.3), 17th in attempts per game (31.7), 25th in yards per game (205.7), and 29th in completion percentage (54.8). It's important to include the actual stats, to see if a change in rankings is because other quarterbacks got better or worse, affecting his ranking -- and in completion percentage he's almost exactly the same, with only a marginal improvement in efficiency, as measured by rating, even though his coaches trusted him to throw the ball nearly 20% more in 2010.

Now, in 2011, two games in, Sanchez is 17th in quarterback rating -- 87.7 -- and 19th in attempts per game (34), 15th in yards per game (258), and 15th in completion percentage at 63.2% -- which disproves the Daily News' "sports" "writer's" claim that Sanchez is worse. Statistically, he's better than he was last season, and his coaches are trusting him more.

Sanchez still ranks at about the middle, or below, for all quarterbacks -- below Matt Cassel, who's 0-2 in two bad losses, and rookie Andy Dalton at the Bengals, to name two, though -- which means he's still bad.

But if Sanchez has improved every single year and statistically is better this year than the last two years, when he made the playoffs, what can explain why sports casters and writers are turning on him?

You're reading it.

Other things Aaron Rodgers doesn't like:

Christina Aguilera

Jessica Szohr

Justin Timberlake

Cancer survivors

The truth

Injured reserve players

His special teams players

All his other teammates

Brett Favre, Mike McCarthy, and Clay Matthews

The Packers uniforms, (and their throwback uniforms).