Tuesday, January 3, 2012

God played 20 questions with a minister this weekend, which is why your team lost (or won.) (Updates On God!)

When you say "with all due respect," you really mean "with no respect," right? So Terrell Suggs better hope that this life is the only one he's got, because he just burned all his bushes (see what I did there?) with God, while also assuming that Denver will beat Pittsburgh and thus he will be facing the Tebows in the playoffs... with God holding Denver's clipboard. Suggs commented on potential playoff hopes by telling ESPN:

With all due respect we don’t need God on our sidelines...Once again God had to save Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos. Hecouldnt even give them two drives? 7 to 3?

One interesting thing about that quote: Yardbarker.com assumed that He meant "Tebow," and inserted the name of the Broncos' QB in its story about this. But other sites left that ambiguous He in there, and when I first read it, I assumed Suggs was saying God couldn't even give Denver "two drives."

In any event, God may have really dropped the ball this weekend, not only keeping the Tebows from having more than one scoring drive, but also finally letting up on whatever curse He had on the Oregon Ducks; after Oregon was given the Rose Bowl trophy because of Wisconsin's own mistakes killing the Badgers' chances (that being an easily foreseeable end to this Wisconsin season, right?), the Ducks' guard Carson York commented that it was nice to finally win one:

It almost felt like there was some sort of magical force keeping us from getting it done in bowl games...Glad we did it today.

So if God wasn't sitting next to John Elway, and didn't go to Pasadena, where was He? Hanging out with Pat Robertson, who got some kinda important news this weekend: telling Pat Robertson who the next president of the U.S. will be.

God in fact dictated a letter to Robertson, who is pinky-sworn to secrecy about the November, 2012 winner, but who was free to talk about the stuff God forbade him to talk about. Said Robertson:

I spent the better part of a week in prayer and just saying, ‘God show me something,’ some things I’ll share with you. I think he showed me the next me the next president but I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — I think I’ll know who it will be. I’m going to read just as I wrote down as if I’m hearing from the Lord these words. Your country will be torn apart by internal stress, a house divided cannot stand...

NOTE: So God plagiarizes Abraham Lincoln? At least put a cite in the end notes, God.

...Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority, expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view that is at odds with the majority, it’s a radical view of the future of this country, so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer....

NOTE, 2: Whenever someone says something like that, I like to mentally add "and Iron Man." So read that as "which can only be won by overwhelming prayer, and Iron Man."

God stopped talking, then, but Pat didn't stop thinkin', and askin' some questions:

I started thinking, when did we start this place? ... So I’m saying, God, let me give you some suggestions and you tell me if any of them is right, pick one.

I said, is it an EMP blast? No that isn’t it.

Is it a cosmic or solar or radiation blast? No.

Is it Mayan galaxy alignment? No.

Is it Iranian or North Korean nuclear threat? No.

Is it an earthquake or a volcano? No.

Is it a massive power failure? No.

What is it?It’s an economic collapse. And God said, This is not my judgment, they are bringing it upon themselves.

SO: God won't let you know who is going to be the next president, but he will tell you that there's going to be an economic collapse and that's how the world is going to end. With an economic collapse. Which will pretty much lead to the worst Roland Emmerich movie ever, no matter who they get to play the part of President Santorum.

Oops! Did I let the cat out of the bag, there? I only know that because me and Rupert Murdoch hacked Jesus' cell phone. (His password was "Tebow.")

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