Sunday, January 1, 2012

The only statue worse than that "Jesus Stealing The Ball From Little Kids" thing. (Babies In Sports Gear)(Football)

Nothing's cuter than a little baby or kid in sports gear, right?

RIGHT! Unless the saying should be nothing is scarier than a supposedly-lifelike-but-actually-souless homonculus that manages to mock the existence of babies and sports in one terrifying creation, as Badger Game Day Baby does:


That (which I learned about thanks to Brian Stearns on Twitter) is the Wisconsin Badger version of the Is It Game Day Yet? series of terrifying babies-on-blankets statues produced by a company known as "The Ashton Drake Galleries." You can get them in other teams, too, such as Green Bay Packers' Baby, so when your child-less life gets even more miserable because college football has ended, you can continue to silently grieve as the NFL season trudges on by switching out your Demon College Football Voodoo Baby for an NFL version, which will sit in judgment on your table, alternating between sadly contemplating the void which is its life between football games, and the void which is your life all the time.

"The Ashton Drake Galleries," which I imagine without researching or caring at all about the accuracy of that imagination is something like The Franklin Mint only aimed more squarely at trailer parks, promises that Is It [ ] Yet baby is only the start of a nightmare vision of the future in which we are all surrounded, all the time, by tiny mockeries of what might have been crossed with sports:

Soon to come are more baby Packers fans with "attitude", as your collection continues with Issue Two, Touchdown Packers, Issue Three, Halftime Snacktime, and additional baby-doll Green Bay Packers memorabilia, each a separate issue to follow.

Says the copy on Amazon, and the quotes around attitude are the least annoying/nauseating thing about that sentence. Even now, my mind is -- reluctantly but unstoppably-- envisioning as "Halftime Snacktime" a chubby baby-golem in Packer gear next to a plate loaded down with semi-realistic depictions of food, raising the prospect that you can eat your sadness away next to a baby statue that, caught in purgatory between life and the sweet, sweet release of death, is trying to do the same thing.














Santa, Godzilla and Jesus Walk Into A Bar...


Nick, a nearly-failed UFO maker, finds a tiny brass trumpet lying in a gutter – moments before a dead body drops from the sky and he’s chased down the street and into a major adventure by Sexy Cop. Before he knows it, Nick is doing battle with Wenceslas’ Xmas Machine, helped by Angels, the Secret Army Under The Bed, and a man in a robe, as attempts at world domination mix in with Nick’s attempts to convince Sexy Cop that they are soulmates.


Santa, etc… is a hilariously offbeat, thrill-a-minute otherworldly adventure that attempts to answer the question “What is the most ridiculous possible explanation for Christmas as we know it.” Said one person: “If Douglas Adams had teamed up with Robert Heinlein to come up with a story to make everyone forget A Christmas Carol, they’d have simply ended up copying this story.” (That person was the author of this story, but still… he said it.)


Go buy the book on your Kindle
.

Available on Amazon as a paperback; click here for that version.

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