Monday, January 2, 2012

The Oregon Ducks' Uniforms Were Designed By Tony Stark (Football)

The Oregon Ducks are the latest actually good team to get paired up in a major game against the Wisconsin Badgers, who aren't actually good, they're just Big 10 good, and really they're just Big 10 Mediocre, aren't leaving anything to chance.

Despite the likelihood that the Badgers will in the second quarter give the entire game away, leaving nothing for their fans to do but ponder how they wasted a beautiful morning in Southern California watching a meaningless Packer game, Oregon isn't leaving anything to chance: they've got some superuniforms to wear that guarantee either a win, or at least a fighting chance against Mickey Rourke:

That's the "Black Swan" version of the Oregon Ducks' uniform, meaning that right at the end of 2011 we got our second confusing Black Swan of the year:

I think she was dead all along! Just like Qui Gon!

Black Swan: The Uniform may just look like a uniform, but don't be fooled; it comes from the same type of lab that Red Skull's Hydra team worked in (yep: I'm still on Captain America metaphors). From the official Nike Statement, issued over a video monitor broadcast directly into the Joint Chiefs Of Staff's underground meeting room while the President and his advisers gaped in awe:

This fully integrated uniform system, debuted in its first iteration by the University of Oregon during last years’ BCS National Championship Game, incorporates the pinnacle in performance innovation and design from the world’s most renowned athletic outfitter. The new uniform provides enhanced thermoregulation and more durability with the inclusion of Nike Chain Maille Mesh – a lightweight ultra-breathable material – used in both the jersey and pant.

That Maille is in the original. Oregon may be worried that the Badgers are carrying crossbows. But Nike didn't stop with an "innovation" that's existed since the 16th century (when everything was invented); it went on to make sure that this suit will live on even if the Duck inside dies during the game:

Eleven different materials in the Nike Pro Combat uniform (jersey and pant), and 16 different materials in the complete system of dress – each to address the specific needs of the athlete in game situations.

Got that? There's different materials for each play, now. "Got your third and long socks on, boys? Then go get 'em!" The 11 different systems include:

• ...Nike Chain Maille Mesh integration ...emphasizes improved thermoregulation, including the Nike Pro Combat Deflex padding layer, which is constructed with fabric selected for its ability to help keep the body cool and wick away sweat – making the uniform, and player, lighter and dryer.
• Increased air flow with large open-hole woven construction for more ventilation

Well, they've got to breath, right? There's more, though:

• A redesigned base layer that facilitates ...maximum speed. The base layer in the pant also features customizable protection that incorporates a thin, incredibly strong carbon fiber plate that can be placed on the thigh padding where needed.

• Strategically placed seams, pads and cooling zones that help minimize distraction and optimize protective coverage. Robust padding, without the bulk, has also been added to offer optimal low-profile impact protection specifically throughout the crucial “hit zone” between the knees and shoulders.

• A Flywire collar eliminating two layers of fabric for improved breathability, providing a more stable anchor to keep the jersey in place

There's no word on where they put the rocket launchers, but there's got to be rocket launchers, right? This is Nike, after all.

Here's a shot of a player wearing one of the suits in a walk-through yesterday:

Looks like it'll really test Russell Wilson's mobility!

Wisconsin's not taking this lying down, of course. They've responded with their own ultra-high-tech uniforms, Wisconsin style:

...Wisconsin will have a new look in the Rose Bowl, too. OK, so the Badgers don't have nearly the radical streak with their duds as the Ducks, who will wear this space-age suit in Pasadena. From a distance, you might not even be able to tell much difference in the Wisconsin uniforms. But the numbers feature an interwoven rose display, and the jerseys are sleeker.
An "interwoven rose display"? Watch out, Oregon!

Here's a look at the Badgers' new duds:

In closing, hot girls from each school:


Because isn't that what it's all about?

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Tim Morrissey said...

As a father, I am bouyed by the appearance that the hot Wisconsin girl is more suitably garbed to do battle with the Oregonians on the gridiron.

Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

The Yahoo! article (or maybe it was AOL) I read on this described these as looking like Darth Vader. How could you miss the obvious Star Wars reference? I feel so disillusioned now.

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