Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tim Tebow is way better at getting girls than he is at football. (Football)

Pictured at right:

And keep in mind, I think he's pretty good at football.

In Tim Tebow Dating news, The Superficial, where you should get all your sporting news like I do, is reporting that Tim Tebow is definitely not dating Katy Perry:
With all the pain and suffering in the world, God looked down upon humanity and sent us a champion. – A non-singing and dancing champion, I should say. These miracles are starting to run together. – A champion who really wouldn’t help with all that pain and suffering stuff, but holy shit, would he be awesome at football. And that champion is Tim Tebow, a young man whose righteous path is now set lead him to a promised land of sweet-boobage and honey known as Katy Perry‘s breast because apparently there really is a God, and my tears are his food. Via Hollywood Life

The site says, before going on to quote someone claiming that Katy Perry's parents are in favor of making Tebow their daughter's rebound guy:

“[Katy's] mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim,” a source tells OK! magazine.”Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

The Superficial called it correctly:

Keep in mind, absolutely none of this is true,
Because, Christian or not (not), Katy Perry is still just all about getting attention, and mentioning Tim Tebow the week before a divisional playoff is guaranteed to get people to google "Katy Perry and Tim Tebow," as I just did, and that's what Katy Perry and OK! Magazine, which "broke" this "story" want. (As opposed to what Perry's parents want, which is more people for their church; when capitalizing on their daughter's real divorce from her fake marriage didn't do that, they publicly announced that Tebow would be great for their daughter and invited him to speak at their church.)(Is God in favor of publicity stunts and pimping one's daughter out?)

Katy Perry isn't the only gal angling for some Tebow Time: Christian Sorority Girl Britney Salvesen, who attends the generically-named Midwestern State University, posted this video asking Tebow out:

I haven't watched it but it's from a Christian sorority girl, so it's SFW, right?

Britney and Katy probably aren't worried about competition from perennial second-place finisher Lindsey Vonn,

who desperate for publicity that wasn't related to getting silver medals, refused to deny rumors that she was interested in dating Tebow.

If you are keeping track, then, it is no longer necessary to even be good at football in order to become the most popular guy in the Universe.

Or universes: Tebow may not just be a big deal in our world but also in the Marvel Universe, where he's recently been immortalized as a comic book hero:

Lots of people are wondering what powers Tebow will have. Given the half-a**ed job Marvel does on sports-related superheroes, I'm going to guess "Super Handoffs." It doesn't even matter what that means.

On the other hand, if Tebow isn't a walking billboard for proving atheists wrong, I'm missing something: a guy raised in Florida, the weird armpit of America, manages to win college football's highest award, then becomes the starter on an NFL teams despite the fact that the person in charge hates him, advances to the second round of the playoffs against all odds, and now is more or less the next Bachelor despite loudly proclaiming that he's not interested in sex? That has to be Divine Intervention, right?

Oh, before I forget: He's also a Snuggie:


Grumpy Bulldog, Secret Agent said...

I wonder if I'm the only one who sees something mildly racist about all this Tebow love? Do you think if Cam Newton had won that many games people would be so ga-ga over him? They pretty much have the same resume--Heisman, national title, parent involved with religion--and the same general skill set but you think if Newton wins a bunch of games next year and gets the Panthers into the playoffs he'll get a Marvel comic and pop stars fawning over him? Somehow I doubt it.

Tim Morrissey said...

The visual aids you employ complement the text so well.

The video of the Wichita Falls coed is beyond priceless.

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