Thursday, February 2, 2012

Too bad, Eli: The Patriots* got to the best 12th man FIRST. (Update on God)


Boy, if it isn't one thing with the Patriots*, it's another. First, they steal a bunch of Super Bowls from guys like Kurt Warner (a guy who knows just the right amount of holiness to keep Jesus from wanting to smack you one) by cheating, and now that they've finally made it back to the big game, wouldn't you know it, they turn around and decide to get God all on their side.

And what better way to get The Man to root for you than by having a supermodel pray for it? Man, is there nothing Belicheat doesn't think of?

Here's what's going on: Mindful that the last time Not Actually Anywhere Near As Good As Joe Montana and his New England Cheatriots squared off against The Better Manning, Gisele Bundchen has asked everyone to stop praying for insignificant stuff like world peace and/or an end to hunger because if supermodels can get by on just cigarettes then why can't the poor, and instead to pray for something that really matters, like Tom Brady getting a Pinky Super Bowl Ring:

Reports The New York Post:

In a disgustingly sappy e-mail, supermodel Gisele Bundchen implored friends and family yesterday to pray hard for her pretty-boy hubby to win Sunday’s Super Bowl against the Giants.
...
The note, obtained exclusively by The Post, is hardly the stuff of Knute Rockne.
It’s filled with a touchy-feely request for “positive” thinking that one might expect from a Brazilian catwalk stunner — especially one concerned for her loved one’s safety against Big Blue’s fierce pass rush.
“My sweet friends and family,” the e-mail began. “This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl ...So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.
Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)”

In Gisele's defense, she didn't want everyone to know that she felt God had nothing more important to do than making sure Tom Brady didn't continue sucking in important games; contacted about the email, she told the Post it was supposed to be private, so the message she wants to send is: It's okay to ask God to spend His time making sure that your boyfriend wins a game, provided that nobody knows about it.

In Gisele's defense, though:

(A) God is probably pretty good at multitasking. I mean, if I can type this post while I'm supposed to be listening to this Supreme Court justice on the phone drone on and on about ex post facto this and my client going to be executed that... get to the point, already! You'd think we pay you by the hour to geeze up the Court!... then God can probably handle making sure Brady doesn't throw more than, say, two interceptions on Sunday while also keeping the universe from collapsing by continuing to spin out "dark matter," and

(B) She's pretty hot, so I'm 100% certain nobody is going to get mad at her about this. Look at her:



She could have sacrificed a kitten on a Satanic altar and 99% of America wouldn't have noticed it because they'd be willing that top to loosen its grip just a little.

9 comments:

Grumpy Bulldog, Media Mogul said...

Executing people would be a new way to solve the mortgage crisis.

I don't really have a problem with her Email. People invoke God all the time for stupid crap, why not her?

And as much as I know I should hate Tom Brady I always find it hard because I used to watch him play for Michigan and I always felt bad because they were trying to push him aside for Drew Henson. How'd that turn out? Even though he's not the underdog anymore it's still hard to root against him, kind of like in "Rocky III" and "Rocky IV" even though he was rich and married with a kid (whose name he didn't seem to know) it was still hard to root against him. My point I guess being that it's hard to stop seeing someone as the underdog even when clearly they aren't.

But if the Giants win that's OK too. It's Super Apathy!

Tim Morrissey said...

When is the Super Bowl again? I guess I lost track when the Packers fizzled out.

And.....Madonna????

Please.

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