Wednesday, April 11, 2012

God favors cleavage, is the moral of THIS story.

I was going to do an "Update On God" and mention how Tim Tebow had addressed a crowd of 30,000 on Easter Sunday (the "Super Bowl of Christianity," as some people who obviously misunderstand either Christianity, or Super Bowls, or both) said, and probably make a joke about how Tebow was still falling a little short of the mark; when Jesus addressed an unexpectedly large crowd, he managed to feed them, too.

Either Peyton Manning or Mark Sanchez is Jesus in that analogy.  Your choice.

But bigger things than Jesus (?) are afoot, in that the European Chess League has taken a strong stand against anyone ever paying attention to chess again by banning cleavage.

Well, that's the headline on the story, anyway.  The details, unlike cleavage, are not nearly as sexy.  According to the New York Times,  the ban is instituted because the Tournament in question, the European Individual Women's Championship (which was apparently played March 1 through the 14th, and was thus 2/3 over when the Times got hold of this story), was being played in Turkey, resulting in this code:

Players who wear dress shirts can only leave the top and second buttons undone. Headgear, except for religious reasons, is not allowed. Players must be “free of body odor.” Clothing should be free of holes and have “a pulled-together, harmonious, complete look.” And only jewelry “coordinated to the outfit may be worn.” 


The Times duly noted that dress code flaps go back, as all things in chess do, to Bobby Fisher, who embarrassed the United States by wearing flannel shirts, corduroy pants, and sneakers when he won the championship at age 14.

I think, though, the coverage as usual overlooked some other equally-compelling parts of this story, namely there was no ban on how short skirts could be.  From ChessBase.com's interview with the head rule-maker:

What do you think, is it acceptable to wear short skirts or open décolletés in the playing hall?
Décolletés are partly covered in our regulations, which state that in respect to shirts the second from the top button may also be opened, in addition to the very top button. But, nothing is written in our rules about the length of skirts or dresses. There are several special rules in some companies which put restrictions on the length of skirts and dresses – no shorter than 5-10 cm above the knees for example. I can see that there are many players here who wear very short skirts. It's nice to see chess players with short skirts – they are very pretty girls. But I believe there should still be some limit.

That answer was given by the General Secretary of the ECU,  Sava Stoisavljevic,  not pictured below:


And she's right: It is nice to see chess players with short skirts:


Although actually that girl in the brown looks a little young and I feel creepy now. 

Let's make me feel better by making someone else feel worse.  Remember how I said Tebow talked to a crowd of 30,000?  Turns out maybe it wasn't that many: Cardinal Timothy Dolan said it was 25,000, but NY Daily News said it was more like 15,000. However many people Tebow spoke to (let's agree to say it was about 17), he chose to take the moment to praise players like Albert Pujols for "put[ting] Christ first."

Albert Pujols, remember, had his wife call out God for punishing Albert and Mrs. Albert by having Albert make only double his 2011 salary, which I think we can all agree was very unfair of God to do, since everybody else in the entire world got more than a 200% raise in 2011 and also everybody else in the world makes more than $11,000,000 per year to play a game the way Albert Pujols -- who puts Christ first, according to Tebow -- does.  So Albert had every reason to be mad at God and Tebow had every reason to celebrate Albert's now-legendary devotion to Jesus.

Christ.

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