Sunday, August 12, 2012

(The "I Guess It's Time I Try To Do An NFL Preview" NFL Preview: The Minnesota Vikings)

Want to have some fun? Say this to someone from Minneapolis or St. Paul (the "Twin Cities"):

"Hey, when will they just admit that's all one big city and cut out the nonsense?"

I say that to everyone I meet from either Minneapolis or St. Paul, and the response is always amazing as the person defends the existence of two cities that are so close to being one city that they're named twin cities.  PLUS, people get really worked up over the issue, almost as worked up as they get over which sports team they like.

I've mentioned before how silly it is that we like a sports team based on where we are born and arbitrary geographical boundaries drawn in 1787 or some such, and I finally found a kindred spirit in Simon Amstell, a comedian who appeared on NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" and who, when asked about whether he was proud to be British, had this to say:

“I think it’s stupid. To be proud of where you come from, it’s just where you fall out…’oh I’m so  proud to be British or American’ you might as well be proud to be Caesarean..” 
 Simon Amstell is my new hero.  And if it's silly to be proud of being born on a specific piece of soil, how much sillier is it to get worked up about a team that is temporarily located in the same general geographic region as the one you are currently residing in?

On to the Minnesota Vikings' NFL preview:

What I Know About Them Without ResearchingI'm pretty sure the Vikings have a guy named Christian Ponder at quarterback.  I'm also about 95% sure that they still have Adrian Peterson at running back.  Adrian Peterson is, if you ask me, the most overrated running back in the NFL.  If you want to know what Adrian Peterson brings to an NFL team, try this:

Stand in your backyard, holding a football.

Drop that football.

Congratulations! You have just imitated Adrian Peterson's contributions to his team, those being (A) fumbling, and (B) not being a visible part of the team when it really matters, i.e., crunch time.

Everyone blames Brett Favre for the Vikings not going to the Super Bowl that year when the Saints had a license to kill because the NFL turned a blind eye to the bounty system it had already warned the Saints about, the NFL wanting the Saints in the Super Bowl to avoid having two teams vying to move to Los Angeles (it's a conspiracy!)(But not the kind Drew Brees keeps prattling on about), but nobody blames the three fumbles -- 60% of the Vikings total! -- and people still think Adrian Peterson is worth the paper he's printed on, or some saying like that.

What Somebody Else Said About Them: Here's ESPN's fantasy football preview of Adrian Peterson, nicely working in a reference to the Mars lander that nobody at ESPN actually understood or cared about because the Mars Lander doesn't say "booyah!"

You don't have to be one of those really amazing NASA scientists who aided in the historic landing on Mars to know that drafting Adrian Peterson this season comes with risk. However, it's not necessary to actually calculate just what level of risk Peterson presents, it's more important to understand how that risk can be parlayed into a championship season.
Let's start with this simple fact: Nobody knows what Peterson will deliver this season. 

But they go on:

Our team of experts is projecting a season of 1,321 total yards and eight scores from Peterson.  

Did you get that? There's a lot to mull over there. 

 First, remember: nobody knows what Peterson will deliver this season.  That's what they said -- but that didn't stop them from hiring a team of experts to tell you what Peterson will deliver this season, predictions made on a guy who is recovering from a terrible injury, as a team nobody knows anything about gets ready to play a bunch of games that can't be predicted, either.

I'm sorry I wasted my time reading it -- but not as sorry as the sadness I feel in my soul for people who spend so much time thinking about their fantasy football teams that they want to know that Adrian Peterson is projected, by a shadowy Star Chamber of ESPN experts, to finish 7th in running backs with a hypothetical 177 points on the year.

Or,  rather, not want to know, but need to know, need with a desperate wrenching rending desperation and I know I used desperate twice there but how else could I sum it up?  There are people out there to whom Fantasy Football is the girl in Wuthering Heights, I want to say Jane Eyre but I know that's not right, and in return they are Heathcliff, whose name I remember because he was named after a cat and I thought that was funny when I read Wuthering Heights, so let's begin again with The Chronicles of Desperate Desperation Analogy:

There are people who are Heathcliff to Fantasy Football's Jane Eyre or Whoever, and they need to know how Adrian Peterson will finish this year or they will hurl their weakened, need-ravaged bodies off the cliffs of Wuthering Heights into the sea below, never to love again (because they are dead).

And I am sad for those people, whose half-lives I cannot even imagine beyond poorly-remembered Bronte analogies.

But this, too:  a team of experts.  I find it remarkable to think that we are somehow in a recession in a country where we not only employ people to work as Hot Wheels' Track Designers (you know that has to be an occupation because those things aren't just dreaming themselves up) but also where people can find employment as a team of experts on a fantasy football preview, an "expert" on a subject that is thrice, if not quadrice, removed from any real meaning in the world.

Or, to put another way: USA! USA! USA!  Forget tearing apart Medicare, Not-Going-To-Be-VP Paul "Candy Man" Ryan.  We will fully fund it by having people voluntarily contribute $5 per fantasy football tip.

What 1980s One-Hit Wonder Song Accurately Exemplifies The Vikings This Year?  I'm going to say the Vikings will go 8-8: comfortably mediocre, giving their fans something to cling to until Christmas takes over, but not anything worth caring about if you live outside of MinneapolSaintPaulis.  (Send whining emails about the differences between the cities to paulryanbenefittedfromgovernmentlargesshiswholelife@hypocrite.com)


 The song, anyway, is Sugar Don't Bite by Sam Harris, a guy you've never heard of, either, but if you go by his obviously-self-written Wikipedia entry, Sam Harris is a force of music the likes of which you can only imagine, and then, after imagining the Greatness That Is Sam Harris, you can be thankful to the Gods of Music for letting him bestow his glory on us via songs like Sugar Don't Bite

If you did not watch the video, you are doing yourself a disservice, because the video made me say to Sweetie, as I watched it, "I can't believe the 80s existed," but they did, and Sam Harris' video captures exactly what it was like to live in the 1980s, as shown by:

A.  The ability to look up a woman's dress in a bar after dropping one's sunglasses without getting sued for sexual harassment,

B.  White suits featuring glittery vests underneath, worn sans shirt,

C.  Fight-dancing in a club filled with people who are inexplicably dressed as extras from Olivia Newton John's Physical, and

D.  Glittery Chuck Taylor Converse shoes which we all wore in the 1980s, even Caspar Weinberger.

Sam Harris won Star Search singing Over the Rainbow and then went on to dominate the music industry for decades -- it's not his fault you haven't heard of him -- and more recently began changing the world directly with his music, as shown by this actual quote from that Wikipedia page:

On February 12, 2008, he released a new single entitled "War on War" that became an internet phenom with music videos made by the general public. The song became a part of his album, "Free," which was released that summer. The single "Change Is On The Way" was written to support the Obama campaign and was heard on numerous television shows and behind internet videos around the time of the election. In 2010, Sam wrote and released "My Reclamation" - which has become the anthem for marriage equality.

You remember that internet phenomenon, don't you?  And why do you think Chick-Fil-A had to up its war on gay this year? Because Sam Harris had practically won the war with his song, that's why.

Don't mess with Sam Harris, is the point, I guess.  Lest you be fight-danced into submitting to his awesome charisma, which is so powerful it can end war and bring marriage equality to all, and also so powerful that Sugar did not, in the end, bite.

Previously:

St. Louis Rams

Indianapolis Colts.
 


8 comments:

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

The reason I stopped playing fantasy football is no one has any idea what any player will really do in a season. They could be great or they could break their leg in the first preseason series and be out for most of the year. It's pointless to sit there in your "man cave" with all these stats and figures like Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind" as if you can glean some hidden messages.

lina123 Chen said...

chenlina20150702
mont blanc
oakley sunglasses
fitflops clearance
louis vuitton outlet
timberlands
prada sunglasses
ray ban outlet
michael kors uk
hollister clothing
cheap nfl jerseys
christian louboutin shoes
gucci handbags
oakley sunglasses
abercrombie fitch
oakley vault
jordan 4 toro
ray ban sunglasses
jordan retro 13
ray ban wayfarer
fendi outlet
coach outlet online
ray ban wayfarer
coach outlet
abercrombie
oakley sunglasses sale
louboutin shoes
abercrombie and fitch
kobe 9
coach factorty outlet
pandora charms
cheap toms
ray bans
jordan 3 powder blue
michael kors outlet online
fitflops sale
coach outlet store online
louis vuitton handbags
mulberry uk
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton handbags

Qing Cai said...

canada goose outlet
canada goose jackets
designer handbags
jordan shoes
cheap nfl jerseys
louis vuitton outlet
tiffany and co jewelry
chanel outlet
ray ban sunglasses
ugg boots
lululemon outlet
wedding dresses
the north face jackets
herve leger outlet
oakley sunglasses
cheap jordans
canada goose outlet
ugg boots
ugg australia
nike air max shoes
cheap nhl jerseys
air max 2015
oakley
ralph lauren uk
pandora jewelry
calvin klein underwear
air jordan shoes
coach outlet
louis vuitton outlet
the north face outlet
cai20151031

Đào Tạo Vua Bếp said...

Việc chọn lựa cho mình một không gian sống của riêng mình đến nay không còn quá kho khăn với người VN chúng ta. Nhu cầu cuộc sống càng được nâng cao hơn việc trang tri noi that nhất là nội thất phải đẹp và sang trọng lại càng được quan tâm chú ý nhiều hơn. Những công ty thiet ke noi that mọc ra ngày càng nhiều và mang nhiều sắc thái khác nhau, chứng minh cho thấy sự phát triển không có giời hạn của nó. Việc xây dựng nội thất cho chung cư được các nhà đầu tư đặt biệt chú ý vì nó mang đến cho khách hàng ấn tượng đầu tiên khi tiếp xúc, việc thiet ke noi that chung cu ngày nay không còn là điều quá xa xỉ với nhiều gia đình tại VN mà là điều tất yếu khi lựa chọn cho mình một căn hộ riêng, cho nên một căn hộ có thiet ke noi that can ho tốt là một điểm mạnh đối với một nhà đầu tư thu hút khách hàng. Các ông trình nhà ở thì không thể không nhắc đến dịch vụ thiet ke noi that biet thu vì đây là một dạng kiến trúc đẹp và tốn nhiều thời gian cho việc đầu tư về mặt kỹ thuật cũng như công sức thi công, cho nên việc thi cong noi that dành cho riêng nó không phải đơn giản mà là rất cầu kỳ và có độ mỹ thuật cao, so với việc thiet ke noi that nha ong thì khác nhau hoàn toàn vì cấu trúc đơn giản hơn tuy vậy đơn giản không có nghĩa là sẽ không đẹp mà hướng đến việc hiện đại và năng động. Nói đến môi trường làm việc thì việc thiet ke noi that van phong đúng nghĩa là một công tác khác, mang đến sự gần gủi và liên kế giửa người vs người với nhau. OZ chuyên thiết kế vs trang trí nội thất nha dep 2016 luôn mang đến cho khách hàng sự yên tâm tuyệt đối với các dịch vụ của mình, với giá cả cạnh tranh các công trình nha dep | can ho dep luôn được chú ý và quan tâm vì đây là điểm mạnh của công ty, chúng tôi còn cung cấp các dịch vụ tiên ích khác như: thiet ke noi that spa | thiet ke can ho 60m2 | thiet ke can ho 30m2 | thiet ke nha | trang tri noi that chung cu

Yuanyuan Lin said...

6.04llllllyuanlongchamp pliage
louboutin pas cher
jordan pas cher
nike blazer pas cher
burberry outlet online
toms outlet
coach outlet online
fitflops sale clearance
longchamp outlet online
ray-ban sunglasses
toms outlet store
tiffany and co
michael kors outlet online
true religion jeans outlet
beats by dre
michael kors handbags
michael kors outlet
michael kors wallet sale
tiffany outlet
michael kors handbags outlet
ray-ban sunglasses
mlb jerseys
michael kors factory store
cheap jordan shoes
air jordan shoes for sale
coach outlet store
swarovski outlet
michael kors outlet online
michael kors handbags
michael kors handbags wholesale
michael kors handbags clearance
michael kors outlet sale
michael kors outlet
michael kors online outlet
michael kors handbags sale
6.04

John said...

burberry bags
ecco shoes
ray ban sunglasses
ugg pas cher
canada goose outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
hermes belt
louis vuitton outlet online
polo ralph lauren outlet
michael kors purses
converse
nike trainers
converse all star
adidas superstars
moncler uk
michael kors outlet stores
chaussure louboutin
louis vuitton borse
michael kors outlet clearance
uggs outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet online
nike air max
true religion outlet store
puma shoes
yeezy boost 350
true religion outlet online
yeezy boost 350
ugg boots canada
ugg boots outlet
coach factory outlet online
coach outlet online
tory burch outlet store
timberland shoes
michael kors outlet online
2016827yuanyuan

wesan michael said...

adidas nmd
jordan retro
nike huarache sale
nike roshe one
michael kors outlet
links of london
true religion jeans
yeezy shoes
adidas nmd
cheap nfl jerseys

raybanoutlet001 said...

pandora jewelry
cheap nhl jerseys
michael kors uk
michael kors outlet
abercrombie and fitch kids
michael kors handbags sale
polo ralph lauren
omega watches
yeezy boost 350 black
michael kors outlet clearance

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...