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This is a serialized story, so you might want to start at part one, which you can get to by clicking here. But if you're not someone who does things the right way, read on!
To recap: Thus, far, these things have happened:
1. Gene's Xmas tree escaped. Remember Chekhov's gun? You should.
2. Sexy Cop is back, and she caused the
3. Nick got arrested for writing poetry.
4. Some guys on an island printed a monster and then were attacked.
...will this all fit together by the end? Almost certainly not.
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Okay,where were we? We're up to part five? Already?
Wait, there are how many parts? Seriously? There is no way this thing is ever going to get finished by Xmas.
No, I'm not wasting time. I was just... what? We're on? Why didn't anyone tell me?
At the police station... oh, wait, I dropped my notes... look, I only just got re-hired and I'm a little drunk...
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The desk sergeant didn't even look up as the front doors to the station slammed open in that special way that they had been made to do back when the station was built.
"We're going to need those doors to slam open authoritatively," said the city manager, looking at the plans. The contractor had nodded and led him off to a side door.
"Through here," he'd said, and indicated that the city manager should go first as he held the door. The city manager walked through the door and promptly disappeared into a nether dimension where he would float for eons in the company of other bureaucrats who had tried to tell the contractor how to do his job.
The contractor certainly knew what was required of a police station door, and as Nick got hustled into the station by the squad of police in riot gear, the door slammed with a satisfying slam!
-- look, I know, onomatopoeia and creativity and what not, but when I said the doors slammed open, I meant it. Had I intended to tell you that they opened with a different,satisfying, sound, like a WHAM! or a BANG!, I'd have said so. Drunk or not, I am a professional narrator. I'm a member of a GUILD. Are you? I didn't think so. Look it up. The Narrators, Footnoters, Appendicizers, and Dental Hygienists Guild.
What? No, I don't know how that last one got in there. Someone was desperate to date someone else, is my guess. Those dental hygienists... you wouldn't necessarily guess it but they are a wild set. W-I-L-D. You ought to come to our St. Brett's Day party sometime.
St. Brett.
You've heard of him.
Patron Saint of Lost Causes, Wild Throws, and Sexting?
What, are you not religious?
Anyway--
The door opened with a satisfying slam! and Nick was dragged in forcefully, with Other Sexy Cop worriedly and sternly yelling at the men to treat him a little better. It went something like this:
"Hey, you don't have to bend his arm all the way to his ear!"
"You have the right to ask for something other than bologna on your sandwich but we have a right to snicker at that and say you're in jail, jerk, what do you want, a five-course meal..."
"Ouch! Did you have to put the ankle cuffs on so electrically?"
"Jenkins! Let him walk or I'll bust you to a private, and then promote you to sergeant just to bust you back again!"
"...you have the right to imagine, in your head, that your lawyer will be competent enough to at least give you a fair shake at trial, even though the lawyers were all banished to a remote island several years ago because honestly, isn't life better without them?..."
"What do you mean, my shirt has busted open and you can see my... oh! LOOK AWAY!"
And then the crowd was through the entrance area and the desk sergeant had never once glanced up from the small computer screen on which he was playing a video game. He was used to this sort of thing, and knew that his role as a desk sergeant was to be bored and make civilians wait an inordinate amount of time before they could meet with someone, while also ensuring that not a single bit of paperwork ever got past his desk and into the offices behind him. He was comfortable with his role, and very near to a high score on [THE SUPERFANTASTIC VIDEO GAME I AM INVENTING THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YET SO I'LL JUST LEAVE THE NAME OUT].
So engrossed in the game was he, because he had just reached the level where [I AM NOT READY TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS YET] plus there were flaming monkeys, that it was easy for the desk sergeant to continue his work when, a moment later, the door opened again with a satisfying slam! and in came a group of police in riot gear, dragging Nick as Other Sexy Cop tried to keep them from roughing him up while also remembering that she was in charge of the police force and not seem like she was coddling Nick.
"Nick," she said, "I'm sorry, but it was poetry and we can't let that slide, and JENKINS! quit twisting his arm like that or I will bust you to private..."
"...You have the right to hum along with any part of the song you can't remember but for not more than one stanza and you have to know the chorus, at least..." said one of the cops.
"If I could just explain," said Nick, but he was interrupted by Other Sexy Cop saying
"What do you mean, my skirt has ridden up and you can see my... oh!"
And they were through the doorway into the interior of the police station.
"...almost..." said the desk sergeant, never looking up. "Stupid flaming monkeys!" And he tapped and clicked furiously, his tongue sticking out of his mouth just a little, so intent that it was not even hard for him to ignore when the station door opened with a satisfying slam! and in came a group of riot police dragging Nick with Other Sexy Cop both worrying and leading them and let's just focus on the part that you want to know about:
"...what do you mean, my uniform has been rendered invisible and you can see... oh!" and with all the rest of the usual jabber they were through the door.
The desk sergeant leaned on his hand and tapped his way into the next level, the one with the [YOU CAN'T GET THIS INFORMATION OUT OF ME.]
Everything grew quiet.
The light shone on the door expectantly, but it did not open a fourth time.
The door itself hung there a bit sadly, because that had been a lot more slamming! than was typical for this time of night, as the door's entire purpose in this and all the other universes was to open with a satisfying slam! it felt like it had been a good night but could have used more.
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Outside, a rocket ship hovered above the street, but you couldn't have seen it even if you had been on the street, in the snow that lay there without much of a glisten at all because the city had blown its budget, that year, putting on a spectacular fireworks display to celebrate The Day Of The Coins, only to later find out that as it turned out every single person who lived in the city had been out of town on the day of the fireworks, so while it was widely believed that the fireworks show had been the best in human history, the only person who had witnessed it was the man who'd been hired to launch them and he hadn't been paying attention.
"It's just my job, you know?" the man was later quoted as saying.
That left the city without the money for glistening and so municipal snow this year was oddly lackluster, which was fine because the cloaked rocket ship, remember that?, was still hovering above the police station.
Sexy Cop inside watched the monitors, which had been designed to glow with a hot pink light even though that was completely unnecessary and anyway monitors don't work like that,because Sexy Cop knew that she looked even more evilly sexy in hot pink glow. Her mouth twisted up at the corner, her eyes glistening in the hot pink glow, and any man within sight of her would have practically burst with erotic impulses brought on by the way her lips were so plump and full and moist.
"Perfect..." she said, as she watched the third set of cops and Nick and Other Sexy Cops going in. "Just perfect."
"I thought," Gene said, behind her, struggling to control his practically-bursting impulses as Sexy Cop bent over the monitor, which had been built at just the right height to have her bend over it at the waist. Her tight skirt shaped her butt as she looked over her shoulder, slightly twisting her waist to do so, listening to Gene "... that the Xmas Machine was destroyed."
"It was."
"So where are these... are they clones? Coming from?"
"They are clones. Of a sort," Sexy Cop said.
"Isn't it a bit early to be recycling plot points and characters? This is, what, the third book?"
"Did people say that to Lucas? Did they say it to Spielberg? Did people tell Spielberg that Saving Private ET from the Temple Of Doom's Jaws was too early to recycle plot points and characters?"
"I ... don't know who those people are."
"Nobody does. In this universe, they are nobodies. But in other universes they are movie directors, except for the one universe where they are sentient cookies. But that's not my point. My point is this..."
Sexy Cop looked back down at the monitor.
"What was that?" she peered at it. "Computer... enhance!"
NOTE TO THE OVERSEERS OF SCI-FI TROPES; THAT IS THE MANDATORY SCENE IN WHICH A CHARACTER LOOKS AT A SCREEN AND SAYS ENHANCE. I AM SORRY FOR LEAVING IT OUT OF EARLIER BOOKS. PLEASE RETURN MY PET TURTLE TO ME AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE, AS HE IS NEEDED AT HOME.
The hot pink screen zoomed in and Sexy Cop saw a slight shadow slip underneath the station door, which did not budge at all.
She pressed some buttons and was looking at the desk sergeant again.
The desk sergeant, who was up to the level where [SERIOUSLY I AM NOT GIVING THIS AWAY] and was therefore blasting away with both boson generators in the game, suddenly looked up. His senses told him it was too quiet.
Up in her cloaked rocket ship, Sexy Cop peered at the monitor, too, as the desk sergeant paused his video game and looked around.
"You fool..." she breathed. "Stop him!"
The desk sergeant on the monitor came out from around the desk, opening the door which had so recently been used to let three different sets of police, Nicks, and Other Sexy Cops in to the station. He looked out the slamming door, into the sky, and sighed as he realized that the snow looked dull and gloomy and he couldn't even see the stars. He did not know that the stars were blocked by Sexy Cop's hovering cloaked rocket ship. He just knew that the night was an extremely unmagical night on which nothing out of the ordinary could possibly happen.
Up in the cloaked rocket ship, Sexy Cop pounded her sexy fist on the hot pink control panel. "YOU IDIOT! IT IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
She could see on the screen, a tiny, nearly-two-dimensional thing, like a paper doll, climbing up the desk as the sergeant stared glumly at the nonglistening snow that wasn't even lit by starlight.
"Going to be a gloomy Xmas this year," the sergeant said, as behind him the paper-doll like figure, which looked like a small man wearing green pants and a bulky blazer but which had a nearly-rectangular head and black hair, plus large googly eyes because those are cute, stood up wobbily on the desk and got its bearings. It was only about five inches tall, and looked like a hand drawn Frankenstein's monster, which was exactly what it was, except that in this case, it was not just a paper doll but an actual living hand-drawn Frankenstein's monster that happened to be made out of paper and living DNA.
The desk sergeant glanced up in the sky, almost imagining that he had heard a voice that was impossibly sexy somehow combine a purr, a growl, and a howl of anger, something like youidiotifhegetsfreetoosoonitwillmesseverythingup but then it was gone, and all he could see was the blank sky.
The desk sergeant turned around and shrugged.
"Another boring night," he said, as behind his desk a tiny living paperdoll Frankenstein ran off to find
Nick.
Click here to go on to the next part.
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NOW DO YOU GET THIS?
Click here to read it from the beginning if you ignored that part of the intro.
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5 comments:
Okay, so you really need a way to follow -this- blog, because I had to read 3 parts today, which there's nothing exactly wrong with that other than that I missed them when you originally posted them.
I'll go check that out. Hang on.
Done.
WooHoo!
Did you get your book from me?
I did. Some holiday reading.
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