Part One: All Things Considered, I Might Have Been Better Off Sleeping In Or Just Cleaning The Gutters.
One day when I woke up I had a great thought,
And I said to myself well I really had ought
to follow that thought or that thought was for naught...
And so I went outside and sang to the Heavens*:
*To the tune of the one part of Beethoven's 9th symphony that everyone knows
because everybody knows Angels only speak symphonese:
Come now angels gather 'round me
Harken to the words I say.
I am composing one great ode
to the humble cheeseburger
I ate yesterday.
I want to make a poem about McDonald's Cheeseburgers
An epic rhyming feat about my lunch.
And I want it to be the greatest thing in history.
If you'll help me that's what it'll be.
And the skies they split open with such a great noise
That I trembled lest all the tumult wake the boys!
For the boys, woke by noise, would want to play toys.
And so I said to the Heavens keep it down.
Then the first Angel reached me and said with stern tone
For this task you call to our Heavenly home?
The home where we roam in our robes and coron'*
*Sometimes apparently angels speak in regular verse and also they are not good with rhyming. Corona is a synonym for halo. Don't feel bad. I had to look it up, too.
And so I said: Well, yeah. And then added*
*this time to the tune of Habanera from Carmen
Who else was I
Supposed to call on
For this great task I
The angels on high
Are aptly suited
To help this guy
Achieve his masterpiece
In fact, if you think
About what I ask
You'll come to see it is
the perfect task.
The more you ponder
My humble request
It seems a wonder
You don't think you're best.
By now other Angels had reached our tableau
And they looked at each other and shrugged just like so*
*picture an Angel shrugging. It's magnificent!
Just so did they shrug and they turned then to go.
And so I grabbed the first one by the arm.
And that Angel he spun his face angry and twisted
You dare so to touch me? You should have desisted!
Now desist your resisting or face painful dismissing!
And so I said: No. I need you.
His wrath, as I watched him, grew greater than great
He swelled up, he did -- with a venomous hate
'Twas then that I saw I had made a mistake,
I saw these were not angels.
But now, in the face of this peril fast-growing
This demon in front of me burning and glowing
I felt I must act, and so did, without knowing
What the results would be.
I punched the demon.*
*Some might say this was foolhardy but then again, how many of those people have ever thought they were calling angels to help them only to have unleashed a pack of demons on the world? I thought so.
It didn't do nothing, that punch with my fist,
And so I decided I might as well hist*
*hist is an onomatopoetic word describing a sound used to attract attention: 'hsst!'
Something more powerful yet, to assist.
Like maybe some sort of friendly dragon.
Now those who this report are beginning to doubt,
And who wonder aloud "What's he talking about?"
Who ask "How can he call these creatures? Well how?"
To them I say: shut up.
It's an epic poem.
I called for a mighty fierce beast-thing, just right then,
A dragon who'd stand by my side, fight as my friend:
An ally of flame-breathing, high soaring ken.
Something fierce, you know?
And this is how I did it
(To the tune of Liszt's "Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2"):
Please heed my call.
Please come help me out.
Help cast demons out
Only you can assist me right now.
(Then I really got into it)
With your scales so sharp, and stro-ooo-ong
With your teeth and wings and fire-so-oo-ong
Won't you please come right alo-ooo-ng.
I cast my pleas skyward; they went not unanswered.
As something fierce grew in the distance, my chances
Were looking much brighter, with this new enhancer:
The dragon, still a tiny speck, was on his way.*
*(SPOILER ALERT: THINGS TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE. IN FACT, THEY DO THAT IN THE VERY NEXT VERSE!)
But the demons around me then seized me and bound me!
My hands to my side as I lay on the ground, the
Demons surrounded me, glaring sneeringly down to see
My helpless form, struggling.
And the head demon said:
(To the tune of Beethoven's Rage Over A Lost Penny)
So you thought you could escape?
well you just cannot
well you just cannot
You cannot avoid your fate
No you just cannot
You will be a witness to our rule of fear
Reign of tears!
For many years!
You have unleashed powers that will now stay here
Reshaping this world in our visages!
You are merely our first prize
There will be others
There will be others
All will fall before your eyes
See the price of pride!
And with that, the lead demon raised his arms.
A mighty crescendo sounded.
The dragon landed, not far away.
And a volcano arose, beneath the head demon, erupting lava:
The world corrupting,
The people disrupting,
The demons stood amidst the fire, laughing with a manic glee.
Our timeline elapsing
The demons, perhaps
Forgetting in their triumph for a moment about me
Turned eyes up to Heaven
And said "Now, our brethren,
We start our accession
And so I took that one brief opportunity
(*With the help of the dragon. I'm no idiot!)
CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT: HELL ON EARTH MEANS THAT PURGATORY IS NO PICNIC, EITHER.