Tuesday, July 9, 2013

To pat the round bottom of bottles with zest (Friday's Sunday's Poem)

Hot actress: Leslie Bibb.
(I've been watching The League lately)
Your Father Puts Ketchup On So Many Inappropriate Things

Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!
What kind of things?
Inappropriate things –
Things that can sing, maybe things that can think?
Things that can stand up and order a drink!
Things that can run and things that can not,
Things that say NASA once faked the moon shot!

Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!
He must have a boundless supply, I suppose,
Ketchup in closets behind all his clothes,
Ketchup in steamer trunks, red bottles in rows
Down at the end of the bed by his toes.
Ketchup as far as the seeing eye goes!
Ketchup in boxes and cupboards with lockses!

Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!
I wonder from whence springs this impulse, this quest,
To ketchupcoat everything sans any rest,
To pour it and squeeze it and pump it and best:
To pat the round bottom of bottles with zest,
With glee and with vigor, to spank out a mess
Of ketchuping glory – still, nevertheless,

Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!
It cannot be healthy, this constantly topping
Of items with ketchup; he should think of stopping
Or at least curbing back, considering swapping
This hobby of his for one needing less mopping
(For it must be considered that he makes quite a whopping
Mess out of things, with his ketchup nonstopping.)

Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!
Where does he get it, how much does he spend?
When will his ketchup-y ways ever end?
Or will they go on for an infinite time,
A ketchup-y spree on galactic-ish time,
Not in fire or ice but in condiment: Yes!
That’s how the universe comes to its death!

I’ve heard that the universe might be dark matter
But I think it’s something quite different: the spatter
Of ketchup from salads, from burgers, from platters
Of food on which ketchup ought not to have lain,
Not to mention the things that aren’t food! It’s insane!
The ketchup now binds us with theoretical strings.
Your father puts ketchup on so many inappropriate things!


You may wonder where the subject of this poem comes from, but better you should wonder how it is that I can in the span of about 45 minutes, write a poem that posits that the end of the universe will come because ketchup weighs us down and destroys the strings that make up all the dimensions according to my hazy (mis)understanding of theoretical string theory.

Wonder no longer!  In my continuing quest to become the commenter of the week on Josh Fruhlinger's "Comics Curmudgeon" (a quest I first discussed when I realized, thanks to Fruhlinger, that I was less significant than a 'moo box',  here), I read his site today and saw this comic:

And now you see the opening line -- but you didn't not see where Fruhlinger challenged his readers to come up with poems using that closing dialogue as the first line of a poem.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  This is by far the greatest ketchup poem I have ever read, let alone written.


Pat Dilloway said...

That is truly the great condiments related poem I've ever read.

Andrew Leon said...

I have a cousin that used to put ketchup on everything. He even tried it on cereal once.

Great poem.

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